Badass of the Week: Amazing Ben and the Argonauts

Once upon a time there was a dude named Aeson, who was the rightful heir to the throne of a city called Iolkos in Thessaly, Greece. One day Aeson got overthrown by his jackass cousin Pelias, who threw Aeson and his wife in a dungeon and murdered all of his children except for one, a young boy named Jason. Jason's mother had snuck out and sent him to be raised by a wise Centaur Warrior, and Jason was brought up with one thing on his mind: Revenge.

Jason got super pumped up and when he reached the right age he returned to Iolkos to start some shit with Pelias. They rapped about life and overthrowing kings and shit, and finally Pelias agreed to turn over the throne and free Aeson if Jason did him one small favor - recover the mythical Golden Fleece. Now the Golden Fleece was the fucking hide of a golden flying ram, and was guarded on a mysterious far-away island by a powerful Dragon, but Jason didn't give a shit. He decided to build a kickass ship, put together the biggest group of badasses this side of N.W.A., and set out to get the Fleece and free his family.

You've probably heard about this epic quest so many times you want to puke your face off, but I gotta tell you that I really dig the idea of having a squad of fifty hardcore motherfuckers sailing around having legendary adventures, because the idea of battling monsters, doing daring feats of swashbuckling, and surviving on strength and skill really gives me a boner. But what if this shit went down today? And happened to me?

Sure my family is pretty far removed from royalty, but I'd like to think that if I had to I could put together a badass group of heroes capable of taking on anything and everything that could possibly come up. I know I suffer from crippling seasickness when I do anything more intense than riding the goddamned "Lazy River" at Six Flags, but I feel like if I sedated myself with enough Dramamine to choke a Hydra I'd be able to handle the challenge. The real pressing question is this - who would I take?

Obviously, first and foremost I would bring along the members of my staff so that I'd be able to post updates to my "Xtreme Argonaut Blog" and all my readers at home would be able to track our progress as we traverse the globe like some sort of wandering circus freak show troupe. It also helps that guys like Matt and The Admiral have nautical experience and dudes like Sergeant Darkfucker could handle special "getting pissed" duties. Above and beyond that, however, this is who I would bring.

Our Intrepid Hero:

Despite being the leader of the Argonauts, Jason's role in the expedition is actually relatively minor. He commands the crew, makes the decisions, and performs the managerial and organizational necessary to keep the journey on-track, but up until the crew reaches the final resting place of the Golden Fleece he doesn't really take a very major role in the adventure. Presumably this is because he's surrounded by a crew of dudes even more badass than himself, which more or less makes sense. I mean, why risk death desperately trying to hack a multi-headed Demon's heads off when your buddy Hercules can just run up and rip it's heart out of it's chest without even breaking a sweat or getting off his cell phone?

My Choice: click here

The Wise Master:

Jason brought along Argus, the old shipbuilder who not only crafted the fastest ship in Greece with his own two hands out of wood carved from the Forest of Athena, but who also performed all the necessary repairs to the ship when it got fucked up by giant squids and icebergs and shit. By all accounts, Argus was reaching up in years, and while he proved to be useful on the front lines he also provided sage words of advice to his fellow Argonauts.

My Choice: click here

The Legendary Hero:

Foremost among the Argonauts was the mighty Hercules, the subject of about ten billion myths and the sort of legendary hero that has been honored and revered for centuries. Born to Zeus and a mortal mother, his strength was unmatched by any man in Greece and his mighty superhuman deeds were chronicled by numerous authors and poets throughout history.

My Choice: click here

The Warrior Woman:

Some Greek writers list the mythical warrior woman Atalanta as being the sole woman aboard the Argo. Atalanta was world-reknowned as a tough-ass huntress and virtually unbeatable in a foot race. She lived in the forest, was the daughter of a god, and was blessed with physical abilities far greater than any man or woman this side of Hercules himself.

My Choice: click here

The Seers:

No Classical expedition worth it's salt would have dared to go out without bringing along a couple of wise seers capable of predicting the future and advising the crew of the proper course of action. On the Argo, this role was filled my Mopsus and Idmon, two sagacious masters who could tell the future. Idmon was a straight-up seer, while Mopsus excelled in some crazy ass science called Bird Augury (whatever the hell that means). Basically these two dudes showed up every time the Argonauts were about to do something retarded and saved their asses from becoming appetizers for giant three-headed shark monsters or from falling face-first off the edge of the Earth onto some tacks.

My Choice: click here

The Survivalist:

Aphidamas was known for his ability to hunt and survive off the land, and if any expedition to uncharted hostile territory is going to succeed it's going to need to have one of those dudes around who's basically like an encyclopedia of flora and fauna and like eight hundred Eagle Scouts rolled up into one crazy-ass bastard who lives in the jungle in a little shack or something, eats fried bugs for lunch three times a week, knows which berries are edible and which ones are so poisonous they'll give you a permanent case of paralysis, can use wet dirt and a coconut to treat poison ivy, and can build a wooden raft MacGuyver-style out of tree bark and an anthill.

My Choice: click here

The Healer:

No adventuring party would be complete without someone able to resuscitate dying warriors and tend to various sundry high-trauma wounds, and the Argonauts were certainly no exception. They brought along Eribotes, a famed healer, who was put to the test when Oileus got a goddamned giant metal spike lodged in his shoulder.

My Choice: click here

The Nautical Expert:

Nauplias was the son of Poseidon, God of the Ocean. His skills in shipcraft and navigation were unmatched by anyone in the known world, and he could call on his father to help the crew with favorable sailing conditions if the need arose. He was so goddamned good at running a ship across the open sea, that the fucking word "Nautical" comes from "Nauplias". That's how you know this guy was the shit. No offense to my man Matt (a Navy sailor) or The Admiral (a sailing expert in his own right), but since we're going to be spending the majority of our time traversing the globe in an old-school wooden boat, we'll need someone like Nauplias to help us out.

My Choice: click here

The Isle of Lemnos:

The first place the Argo runs ashore during it's aimless wanderings throughout the Mediterranean is the Isle of Lemnos, a magical, mystical place populated entirely by horny women. You see, it turns out that all the men of this island cheated on their wives, so all the women rose up, beat the shit out of them and threw their headless bodies into the sea. Well that was all well and good until a few years went by and all those chicks weren't getting any. So when one day all of a sudden this boat with like fifty dudes runs ashore they're all about re-populating the island and getting out some of that pent-up sexual frustration.

This isn't actually the Isle of Lemnos, but you get the idea.

My Choice: click here

Battle with the Gegenees:

The next island the Argonauts hit isn't quite as cushy a gig as scoring with hundreds of chicks. They land on the Island of Doliones, which is owned by a peaceful and friendly group of Greeks with a big problem on their hands - the far side of their island is overrun by a tribe of Gegenees. Ok, so the Argonauts decide to go tear the Gegenees some new assholes. Except they show up and find out that the Gegenees are actually a race of ten foot tall warrior giants with six arms, each one holding a different implement of hand-to-hand combat. Oh, and they can throw boulders like a hundred yards through the air and crush people.

My Choice: click here

The Isle of Doliones:

After killing the Gegenees, the Argo set off for new adventures. Unfortunately, they were blown off course by some bad weather and unwittingly ended up sailing around in a circle and returning to the Island to Doliones again. They came ashore in the middle of the night, and the normally-friendly Doliones thought the Argonauts were a pirate raiding party and launched an attack. The Argonauts and the Doliones clashed in a night battle that left many Doliones Warriors (and their King) dead.

My Choice: click here

The Isle of The Bebryces:

The Argonauts land on the Island of the Bebryces, who are led by a total jackass king. The king for some retarded reason decides he's going to challenge one of the Argonauts to a boxing match, so the Argonaut Pollux is all like, "OK fine jackass, if you want an assbeating I'll give it to you". They box, and Pollux beats the crap out of the King so hard he dies Apollo Creed-style. The Bebryces get super ripshit pissed and attack the Argonauts, and shit gets out of hand quicker than a mosh pit at Woodstock '99.

My Choice: click here

The Harpies:

At one point the Argonauts realized they need the help of this wise old seer who held the key to passing a difficult trial. Well unfortunately this seer has been cursed by the Gods, and the Gods of Olympus could be real fucking dicks sometimes. This dude was doomed to be given a giant banquet full of awesome food for dinner every night, but every time he went to take a bite of it these goddamned Harpys (hideous flying half-bird half-woman monsters) would swoop in and steal it right off his fork. So the dude ended up starving nearly to death. When the Argonauts showed up, they rescued him from this fate by chasing away the monsters, and in gratitude for the help he pointed them in the direction of the Fleece. Argonauts Calais and Zetes were sons of the North Wind, and they flew up to the Harpy nest and started kicking asses.

My Choice: click here

The Clashing Rocks:

After freeing the seer, the ship had to pass through the Clashing Rocks - two giant mountains that smashed together at random intervals, turning anything between them into blood-stained sawdust. The Argonauts used a trick they had learned from the seer to help predict when the rocks were going to crash together, but their success ultimately hinged on their ability to row their asses off like motherfuckers and get through the Rocks super-fast without being ground into chili powder.

My Choice: click here

The Stymphalian Birds:

The next island the Argonauts hit was the home of the Stymphalian Birds, giant falcons who's entire bodies were covered with metal plates instead of feathers. They could also shoot the damn feathers out at a high velocity and nail people with them. The Argonauts kind of got their shit fucked up by them, but were eventually able to chase them off.

My Choice: click here

The Undead Hordes:

Finally after all this bullshit the Argonauts reached the Island of the Fleece, which was ruled by a jackass king who (understandably) was pretty reluctant to give up such a priceless artifact and decided he'd only cough up the goods if Jason performed three insanely heroic deeds that were more or less impossible for any mortal human to accomplish. First he had to yoke up a pair of three thousand pound giant fire-breathing oxen, then he had to plant an entire field of dragon's teeth with them. After the teeth were planted, a horde of undead skeleton warriors would pop up out of the ground. Jason would have to kill them. Finally, he'd have to recover the Fleece itself from it's resting place in the lair of a Venerable Fire-Breathing Red Dragon that never slept. No problem, right?

Luckily, the King's daughter Medea was a powerful enchantress who fell in love with Jason and decided to bail his ass out. First she gave him a Potion of Fire Resistance for yolking up the oxen. Now I think I could probably figure out how to hitch a plow up to some livestock and do a little farmwork if I didn't have to worry about being turned into a charcoal briquette in the process. Medea also cast Level 8 Sleep on the Red Dragon, allowing Jason an opportunity to run in there, grab the Fleece, and make a mad dash for it like Pac-Man Jones fleeing the scene of a triple homicide. Now if my ability to leg out ground balls in D-League Softball is any indication of speed then I guess I'm a pretty fast runner, so problem there. No, the only trial I'd be worried about would be facing an army of undead warriors. Now I think I could do some damage (especially if I had a Morningstar of Disruption and a Marine Magnum pump-action shotgun or something like that) Army of Darkness-style on these undead fuckers, but if I were able to bring one other person to help me battle an army of the walking dead who would it be?

My Choice: click here

The Sirens:

I'm sure you dudes probably already heard the story of the Sirens in my overly-wordy BotW article on Odysseus, but just to recap they are hot naked babes who sing a beautiful song whenever a ship comes near their island. Sailors hear their song and are like, "Babes Ho!" and sail to the island only to watch the Sirens morph into giant gross monsters and eat them.

When the Argo passed the island of the Sirens and they started singing "My Humps" by the Black-Eyed Peas to entice the crewmen, resident Argonaut musician Orpheus played a beautiful song on his lute, drowning out the sound of the sirens and captivating the men even more so than the prospect of finding out what the sirens were going to do with all that ass, all that ass inside their jeans.

My Choice: click here

Libya:

You know how some times you're driving somewhere and you get lost and all of a sudden you're in the middle of nowhere and have no clue how to get back? Well that shit happened to the Argonauts BIG TIME. The Gods got pissed off and sent a wind their way so powerful that it carried the fucking ship into Libya. And I'm not talking about like they landed in the port at Tripoli or something - I mean they were fucking carried into the middle of the goddamned Sahara Desert. The crew had to get some ropes and drag the ship for like two days before they even saw the ocean again.

My Choice: click here

The Island of Talos:

The final Island the Argonauts hit on their way home is the Island of Talos, a giant bronze golem that comes to life and hurls huge boulders at the crew. I don't really remember how the Argonauts defeat this guy, but I really seem to remember it involves a lot of running away at high speeds.

My Choice: click here

The Sultry Enchantress Vixen:

Medea is one of the most compelling figures in Greek myth. A princess and an enchantress, she fell in love with Jason and betrayed her own family to help him recover the Golden Fleece. On the couples' triumphant voyage home they were married, and when they arrived back in Iolkos Medea was able to help Jason get revenge on the evil King. They lived happily for ten years and had two children together before shit really went downhill in a hurry, and a sequence of tragic events led Medea to kill her children and go into hiding in Athens.

My Choice: click here

As I mentioned before, Jason took fifty people with him (not including himself and Medea) so here's my final list. I've included everyone in this update as well as a couple of folks who I didn't really feel like writing a paragraph or two about (some of whom are Badasses of the Week I already wrote about at length previously) but who I would also take on our legendary adventure. Noteworthy among the additions to this list that I didn't already mention are The Outsiders Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, notable for being possibly the greatest tag team in the history of professional wrestling, and The Mythbusters Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. I fucking love the Mythbusters, and I feel confident that bringing them along would prove to be a good decision in some capacity or another. I also included resident creative writer Super Tom Fun Guy so he can write an epic poem about our quest.

The sweet taste of victory.
That's me on the left holding the fleece.
Note Saint Michael swooping in to give me a high five.

I feel that this list is pretty solid, but if you have any comments, you can of course feel free to e-mail me. Just please try to keep the insults and the "you suck as writer"s to a minimum, please.