-- Amazing Ben and the Argonauts --
Update 4 May 2007 by Amazing Ben
Once upon a time there was a dude named Aeson, who was the rightful heir to the throne of a city called Iolkos in Thessaly, Greece. One day Aeson got overthrown by his jackass cousin Pelias, who threw Aeson and his wife in a dungeon and murdered all of his children except for one, a young boy named Jason. Jason's mother had snuck out and sent him to be raised by a wise Centaur Warrior, and Jason was brought up with one thing on his mind: Revenge.
Jason got super pumped up and when he reached the right age he returned to Iolkos to start some shit with Pelias. They rapped about life and overthrowing kings and shit, and finally Pelias agreed to turn over the throne and free Aeson if Jason did him one small favor - recover the mythical Golden Fleece. Now the Golden Fleece was the fucking hide of a golden flying ram, and was guarded on a mysterious far-away island by a powerful Dragon, but Jason didn't give a shit. He decided to build a kickass ship, put together the biggest group of badasses this side of N.W.A., and set out to get the Fleece and free his family.
You've probably heard about this epic quest so many times you want to puke your face off, but I gotta tell you that I really dig the idea of having a squad of fifty hardcore motherfuckers sailing around having legendary adventures, because the idea of battling monsters, doing daring feats of swashbuckling, and surviving on strength and skill really gives me a boner. But what if this shit went down today? And happened to me?
Sure my family is pretty far removed from royalty, but I'd like to think that if I had to I could put together a badass group of heroes capable of taking on anything and everything that could possibly come up. I know I suffer from crippling seasickness when I do anything more intense than riding the goddamned "Lazy River" at Six Flags, but I feel like if I sedated myself with enough Dramamine to choke a Hydra I'd be able to handle the challenge. The real pressing question is this - who would I take?
I've given it a lot of thought, and here's what I came up with.
- All Argonauts must be contemporary people. All people are considered to be in their current physical condition, so like I can't choose Mr. T. from 1985 or Dirty Harry circa 1971 or some other such nonsense.
- Jason took several folks who were claimed to be descendants of gods or who were actually demi-gods or legendary heroes themselves, but all of them fit mythologically within the time period of his journey. As such, I am not restricting myself from choosing fictional characters as long as they can be considered contemporary to me (i.e. guys like Indiana Jones and Captain James T. Kirk are out, since the time-space continuum prevents them from being placed in Boston in the year 2007.)
- All Argonauts must be currently alive, either in real life or within their mythological/fictional cycle, so for instance guys like Mr. Blonde and Lo Pan are out. In addition to this I'm going to disallow people currently serving time in prison or who are otherwise indisposed, such as Magneto being stuffed into that crazy-ass plexiglass rabbit hutch. I don't have the time or the resources to waste on a high-stakes prison break.
- Jason recruited fifty heroes to join him, so I will do the same.
- The Argonauts consulted with a couple of Seers and Oracles before their journey and had some idea of what they were going to be facing, so I'm going to more or less tailor my crew to face the same challenges Jason faced. Sure, this might be cheating a little, but it's also a good opportunity for me to rap about how fucking awesome the Argonauts were and what sorts of crazy shit they went up against, instead of just trying to find fifty different ways of saying "hurrrrr this guy is awesome hlaughalughalugh".
Obviously, first and foremost I would bring along the members of my staff so that I'd be able to post updates to my "Xtreme Argonaut Blog" and all my readers at home would be able to track our progress as we traverse the globe like some sort of wandering circus freak show troupe. It also helps that guys like Matt and The Admiral have nautical experience and dudes like Sergeant Darkfucker could handle special "getting pissed" duties. Above and beyond that, however, this is who I would bring.
Our Intrepid Hero:
Despite being the leader of the Argonauts, Jason's role in the expedition is actually relatively minor. He commands the crew, makes the decisions, and performs the managerial and organizational necessary to keep the journey on-track, but up until the crew reaches the final resting place of the Golden Fleece he doesn't really take a very major role in the adventure. Presumably this is because he's surrounded by a crew of dudes even more badass than himself, which more or less makes sense. I mean, why risk death desperately trying to hack a multi-headed Demon's heads off when your buddy Hercules can just run up and rip it's heart out of it's chest without even breaking a sweat or getting off his cell phone?
My Choice: click here
I feel relatively confident that I could command a vessel laden with badasses on a legendary journey across the known world. I've got three to five years experience in a people-management role at my job and quite a bit of Dungeon Mastering under my belt, so I'm pretty certain that I could get our crew working like a well-oiled adventuring machine lubed up with greased pigs, Vaseline and KY Jelly. Plus, years and years of reading about war and battle has made me totally deluded into thinking that I could handle myself in a hardcore swordfight against professional warriors and giant radioactive mutant scorpions. Luckily for me, I'll have like fifty hardcore motherfuckers watching my back.
But this shouldn't come as a surprise to you. Anyone who didn't see this selection coming is obviously reading this website for the first time ever. Let's get on to the more interesting choices.
The Wise Master:
Jason brought along Argus, the old shipbuilder who not only crafted the fastest ship in Greece with his own two hands out of wood carved from the Forest of Athena, but who also performed all the necessary repairs to the ship when it got fucked up by giant squids and icebergs and shit. By all accounts, Argus was reaching up in years, and while he proved to be useful on the front lines he also provided sage words of advice to his fellow Argonauts.
My Choice: click here
It's a well-known fact that Chuck Norris can build a giant, waterproof, super-fast fifty-oar Greek Pentekontors vessel simply by staring down a pile of lumber and bellowing "BOAT!" at the top of his lungs. To further prove his competency in the field, I should mention that the figurehead of the Argo was a woman who was capable of speaking and understanding human language. So like if the ship gets fucked up, Chuck can just go "HEY BOAT: SUCK IT UP, BITCH" and the ship will pretty much repair itself.
Though Chuck is getting up in years and will prove invaluable sage wisdom regarding the Tao of facekicks on our quest, it would be a mistake of Faustian proportions for you to underestimate his fighting prowess, because if you fuck with Chuck he will give you a goddamned spin kick that will knock your fucking face halfway across the continent. Then he'll tear the rest of your body limb from limb Chewbacca-style and throw your corpse into the Sun. Shit, the man could probably find the Fleece himself without the aid of forty-nine other dudes just by going from town-to-town interrogating thugs and kung fu-ing the black belts off dozens of Japanese Yakuza mafia bosses, but just for the sake of argument I suppose I'll keep going.
The Legendary Hero:
Foremost among the Argonauts was the mighty Hercules, the subject of about ten billion myths and the sort of legendary hero that has been honored and revered for centuries. Born to Zeus and a mortal mother, his strength was unmatched by any man in Greece and his mighty superhuman deeds were chronicled by numerous authors and poets throughout history.
My Choice: click here
Doug Flutie is the fucking man. I know I've already said pretty much everything there is to say about the College Football Hall of Famer in that article I just linked to, but how could you possibly expect to have any success in your mission if you don't bring along the one man capable of overcoming any obstacle through sheer determination, football smarts, dropkicking ability and the sort of rocket laser cannon arm that makes Roger Clemens look like fucking LaTroy Hawkins. Oh yeah, and not only is Flutie the fucking greatest superhuman figure to ever treat the Earth under his mythical cleats, but he also played football for the motherfucking Toronto ARGONAUTS of the CFL. Coincidence? You wish.
The Warrior Woman:
Some Greek writers list the mythical warrior woman Atalanta as being the sole woman aboard the Argo. Atalanta was world-reknowned as a tough-ass huntress and virtually unbeatable in a foot race. She lived in the forest, was the daughter of a god, and was blessed with physical abilities far greater than any man or woman this side of Hercules himself.
My Choice: click here
Victoria "Jazz" Gay
I've been watching a ton of reruns of the goddamned American Gladiators on ESPN Classic recently, and Jazz is the most fucking kickass chick of any of those PED-pumping ex-bodybuilders. She basically went week in and week out beating the ever-loving shit out of any ho dumb enough to cross her. I mean in this YouTube clip she goes through seven events without losing a single one, and pretty much annihilates anyone she faces. Seriously, some of those contenders are fucking in danger of getting a concussion or dying because of the relentless ass-beating Jazz is dishing out on them. At one point during this clip, she takes one bitch down so hard she gives her a damned bloody nose. She's like a female blood-lusted Lawrence Taylor on amphetamines when it comes to Powerball, and that's good enough for me.
Sure, I'm aware American Gladiators was like ten years ago, but even if she's lost a step or two I'd still take this woman over pretty much any other chick out there in a straight-up fistfight.
No Classical expedition worth it's salt would have dared to go out without bringing along a couple of wise seers capable of predicting the future and advising the crew of the proper course of action. On the Argo, this role was filled my Mopsus and Idmon, two sagacious masters who could tell the future. Idmon was a straight-up seer, while Mopsus excelled in some crazy ass science called Bird Augury (whatever the hell that means). Basically these two dudes showed up every time the Argonauts were about to do something retarded and saved their asses from becoming appetizers for giant three-headed shark monsters or from falling face-first off the edge of the Earth onto some tacks.
My Choice: click here
Professor X and a Magic 8-Ball Blessed by the Pope
The Argonauts also had a dude named Palaemon who was listed by Apollonius as being "crippled but valorious", and I think sticking Professor X on the ship essentially kills two birds with one stone. He's not exactly going to go out and start cracking Trojan warriors in the mouth with a Little Mac-style uppercut, but he'd definitely be able to provide solid guidance and prophesying which would more than likely save our balls from the fire on more than one occasion. Plus he can also help rig the ship and stuff with Telekinesis and can use Telepathy to tell if one of our crewmen is thinking about screwing the rest of us over.
For the less complicated "yes-or-no" shit we don't want to bother the good Professor for we'll turn to the Magic 8 Ball, a time-honored Personal Augury Device which has been used throughout the years by numerous eighth-graders trying to figure out whether or not they should ask out the girl that sits in front of them in Social Studies.
Aphidamas was known for his ability to hunt and survive off the land, and if any expedition to uncharted hostile territory is going to succeed it's going to need to have one of those dudes around who's basically like an encyclopedia of flora and fauna and like eight hundred Eagle Scouts rolled up into one crazy-ass bastard who lives in the jungle in a little shack or something, eats fried bugs for lunch three times a week, knows which berries are edible and which ones are so poisonous they'll give you a permanent case of paralysis, can use wet dirt and a coconut to treat poison ivy, and can build a wooden raft MacGuyver-style out of tree bark and an anthill.
My Choice: click here
I don't know if you've ever watched Man Vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel, but that shit is fucking whack as hell. Basically this ex-SAS hardcore mountain-climbing motherfucker parachutes into the deadliest places on Earth and then does whatever it takes to survive and find his way out of danger. Along the way, he teaches survival techniques and does balls-out shit like turning his pants into a floatation device or fashioning a makeshift torch out of two sticks, a handful of berries and some grasshoppers.
First off, Bear Grylls will eat fucking anything. I've seen him eat live snakes, still-breathing fish, it doesn't even matter. He's fucking nuts. He's also got like a +30 to Climbing, and can shimmy his way up a damned sheer vertical icy cliff face in the middle of a rainstorm without the aid of mountaineering equipment. He knows what plants, berries, and animals you can eat, which ones will kill you, how to build shelter out of palm fronds and pine needles, and can do that "rubbing two sticks together to make fire" thing that every Cub Scout in America tries to convince you he knows how to do (but actually can't). Once I saw him kill a fucking rabbit by throwing a sharpened stick at it. Then he tried to ride a wild horse using a saddle he made out of weeds. It's insane.
As an interesting side note, Andrea hates this guy. Every time I watch this show, she screams at the TV something to the effect of, "Hey douchebag, you're stuck in the middle of the desert with no food or water! Why the fuck are you so cheery and upbeat?"
Andrea is a pessimist.
No adventuring party would be complete without someone able to resuscitate dying warriors and tend to various sundry high-trauma wounds, and the Argonauts were certainly no exception. They brought along Eribotes, a famed healer, who was put to the test when Oileus got a goddamned giant metal spike lodged in his shoulder.
My Choice: click here
Dr. Perry Cox
The world of contemporary fictional medicine hasn't exactly been blessed with a plethora of hardcore David Bleak motherfuckers. Sure, I could go with like a Trapper John or a Hawkeye Pierce who would be well-versed in dislodging projectiles and other implements of pointy death from wounded warriors, but they're really probably too old, especially since they were supposed to be doing their shizzle back in Korea in the 50's. There's Gregory House, who would be able to cure us of any kind of bizarre tropical exploding bird diarrhea, but he's got that bum leg and that nasty habit of injecting oxycontin mainline into his face every time it rains, and I don't know if it's really in the mission budget for us to stock up on twelve kilos of pharmaceutical-grade horse narcotics. The only other real option I came up with other than Doctor Cox was Doctor Doom, but the comic books never really specified whether or not he was actually a practicing physician.
I decided to go with Coxy here because he's in good physical condition, he's talented, and he has the sort of mean streak, rampant alcoholism, and general disdain for all forms of humanity that would help him really fit in among the rest of the crew (myself included). Plus I have to give props to anyone more proficient than myself in the art of constructing gigantic run-on sentences aimed at humiliating and mocking people.
The Nautical Expert:
Nauplias was the son of Poseidon, God of the Ocean. His skills in shipcraft and navigation were unmatched by anyone in the known world, and he could call on his father to help the crew with favorable sailing conditions if the need arose. He was so goddamned good at running a ship across the open sea, that the fucking word "Nautical" comes from "Nauplias". That's how you know this guy was the shit. No offense to my man Matt (a Navy sailor) or The Admiral (a sailing expert in his own right), but since we're going to be spending the majority of our time traversing the globe in an old-school wooden boat, we'll need someone like Nauplias to help us out.
My Choice: click here
Before you even say shit about me taking fucking Aquaman on this journey, think really long and hard about who could possibly be more perfect at filling this role. The dude fucking controls the ocean, commands sea creatures to do his bidding, breathes water, and rides a goddamned giant sea horse around. I think he's also like a Prince of the Ocean or something, which would be really fucking helpful to a group of fifty guys who have no real idea how to sail a naval vessel and are generally about as competent at working a ship as they are at picking out baby clothes or calculating the square root of infinity. Plus he'd be a real help if we got attacked by like a Kraken or some other retarded Sea Monster because instead of The Amazing Ben having to get out there Captain Nemo-style and fight the fucking Giant Killer Squid with a stupid harpoon, Aquaman could just go "doo doo doo doo doo doo" and -BAM- the thing turns into like a giant slimy eight-armed disgusting-looking kitten willing to submit to our evil will.
Also, while we're on the topic of superheroes, you'll notice that Superman is conspicuously absent from this list, despite the notable fact that he's pretty much indestructible and is so strong that if he wanted to he could disrupt the Earth's orbit around the Sun and send the entire planet careening into Mars. However, whenever he gets in on group efforts like the Justice League or the Argonauts, it seems like some fucking bastard shows up with Kryptonite at the exact wrong moment and completely fucks over his allies. Plus, if they showed up with that crazy-ass LSD that makes Supes freak out like a ninja and start attacking everyone around him, I don't really want to be on the receiving end of one of those goddamned freight train right hooks from Hell.
I'd also worry about him using his X-ray vision to look through Andrea's clothes.
The Isle of Lemnos:
The first place the Argo runs ashore during it's aimless wanderings throughout the Mediterranean is the Isle of Lemnos, a magical, mystical place populated entirely by horny women. You see, it turns out that all the men of this island cheated on their wives, so all the women rose up, beat the shit out of them and threw their headless bodies into the sea. Well that was all well and good until a few years went by and all those chicks weren't getting any. So when one day all of a sudden this boat with like fifty dudes runs ashore they're all about re-populating the island and getting out some of that pent-up sexual frustration.
This isn't actually the Isle of Lemnos, but you get the idea.
My Choice: click here
Clastor B. and Billy Dee Williams
Yeah, I know the Argonauts aren't going to need to do a whole lot of convincing here, but for the purposes of this island I'll bring along the two smoothest dudes I can think of - Billy Dee Williams and my brother Clay. Sure, Billy Dee doesn't really look like Lando anymore, but these days he's sporting that "old pimp daddy" look with the cane and shit, which some chicks are really into. Couple that with Clastor's unbelievable 19 Charisma score when it comes to women and you've got like something for everyone. They would be masters at this island.
I would sort of worry about Clay falling to the same fate as the Argonaut Hylas and running off to live with the Water Nymphs of Mysia (as depicted the picture above with all the topless chicks), but then again I guess deep down in my heart I'd understand. I'd also like to think he'd help us finish our quest before trying to return to the Island.
Of course it would just be about crew morale here, since I personally am not interested in an island full of random hootchie chickenheads. I'm married, remember?
Battle with the Gegenees:
The next island the Argonauts hit isn't quite as cushy a gig as scoring with hundreds of chicks. They land on the Island of Doliones, which is owned by a peaceful and friendly group of Greeks with a big problem on their hands - the far side of their island is overrun by a tribe of Gegenees. Ok, so the Argonauts decide to go tear the Gegenees some new assholes. Except they show up and find out that the Gegenees are actually a race of ten foot tall warrior giants with six arms, each one holding a different implement of hand-to-hand combat. Oh, and they can throw boulders like a hundred yards through the air and crush people.
My Choice: click here
Jack Bauer and Richard Marcinko
OK, one thing my extensive research on the subject has taught me is that you don't take a fucking sword to a battle against ten-foot-tall eight-armed axe-wielding maniacs. For that shit you need guns, and lots of them, and people who can use them effectively. No number of sword-swinging arms is going to protect you from getting a cap busted in your heart. Just ask Rama. No, we're going to need a couple of dudes who are proficient at firearms, accurate shots, and capable of evading the inevitable boulder that will be tossed in their direction. For this purpose, I'll take CTU Special Agent and über badass Jack Bauer, and the former commander of Red Cell and SEAL Team Six Richard Marcinko.
Both of these guys have extensive special forces training and would be capable of sneaking into position, opening fire, dropping some Giants like Britney Spears drops her baby and then evading detection by slinking back into the shadows. Their two-man assault would be bloody and relentless. I don't care how big and tough these Giants are, my two men are tougher and far more deadly. Shit, I'd probably take this fire team in a Laser Tag battle against Jesus and Lucifer.
Jack would also double as our interrogator down the line when we need more information about the location of the Fleece, since he really seems to have an aptitude for that sort of thing. They'd be all like, "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANY FLEECES!!" and he'd just look at them completely deadpan and say something epically badass like, "I don't want to break all your fingers with my bare hands, stab you in the legs fifty times with a letter opener and then shoot every single member of your extended family in the face, but if you don't tell me where the Golden Fleece is I swear to God I'll do it. Now this is the last time I'm going to ask you..."
The Isle of Doliones:
After killing the Gegenees, the Argo set off for new adventures. Unfortunately, they were blown off course by some bad weather and unwittingly ended up sailing around in a circle and returning to the Island to Doliones again. They came ashore in the middle of the night, and the normally-friendly Doliones thought the Argonauts were a pirate raiding party and launched an attack. The Argonauts and the Doliones clashed in a night battle that left many Doliones Warriors (and their King) dead.
My Choice: click here
The Shredder and Snake Eyes
Sure it's unfortunate that the Argonauts ended up killing their buddies, but if I'm going to have to go into a nighttime battle I'm going to do it up right - with fucking NINJAS. Ninjas fucking love fighting at night, and nobody does it better. They'd be flying all over the place stabbing peoples' heads off, throwing smoke bombs around like the Fourth of July and generally ripping the Doliones some new ones.
I've already extolled the virtues of Snake Eyes before on this site, what with his interesting dual mastery of swords and submachine guns and unbelievably awesome role as a Commando Ninja, but I feel that the Shredder would make a perfect compliment to his abilities. Sure, Shredder often gets his plots foiled by the Ninja Turtles, but I really believe that's much more due to his ineptitude as a tactical commander than his inability to properly utilize the giant metal spikes all over his body for strategic face-slashing maneuvers. Plus it doesn't help that he's constantly surrounded by retards and even his highest-level henchmen are about as formidable as two-day old baby chickens in an incubator. I feel strongly that if you were to pair Shredder up with a battle-hardened fellow ninja like Snake Eyes and told him to just go out there and kill as many people as possible you'd see some fucking shit that would make you want to retch up your lunch with awesomeness.
The Isle of The Bebryces:
The Argonauts land on the Island of the Bebryces, who are led by a total jackass king. The king for some retarded reason decides he's going to challenge one of the Argonauts to a boxing match, so the Argonaut Pollux is all like, "OK fine jackass, if you want an assbeating I'll give it to you". They box, and Pollux beats the crap out of the King so hard he dies Apollo Creed-style. The Bebryces get super ripshit pissed and attack the Argonauts, and shit gets out of hand quicker than a mosh pit at Woodstock '99.
My Choice: click here
Jet Li and Fedor Emelianenko
If they want fucking hand-to-hand combat, we'll give it to them all the way up their asses. For those of you unfamiliar with Fedor Emelianenko, he's basically the king of those crazy ass Ultimate Fighting Championship motherfuckers who get in a ring and beat the holy living shit out of each other for no good reason other than to prove the enormity of their balls. He's not only a world martial arts and judo champion, but he's got a record of 27-1 in the highest levels of mixed martial arts fighting, which basically means that he's one of the most badass motherfuckers on the planet. If you've ever tried to watch that UFA/MMA shit you'll know what I'm talking about - it's like everything from kneeing the junksack to biting the face is legal in that shit, and the dudes just totally fucking wail on each other until someone fucking dies or their eyes pop out of their heads or something. He'd be my nominee to fight the King of the Bebryces.
One the shit started getting nuts though, Jet Li would be able to fly in there and start laying some unbelievable asskickings on any jackasses dumb enough to try and fuck with us. The man is like a fifty-time world kung fu champion and can probably be counted on to severely cripple at least fifty to one hundred angry sword-wielding hoplite warriors with a mix of bone-crunching throws and straight-up face-kicking.
At one point the Argonauts realized they need the help of this wise old seer who held the key to passing a difficult trial. Well unfortunately this seer has been cursed by the Gods, and the Gods of Olympus could be real fucking dicks sometimes. This dude was doomed to be given a giant banquet full of awesome food for dinner every night, but every time he went to take a bite of it these goddamned Harpys (hideous flying half-bird half-woman monsters) would swoop in and steal it right off his fork. So the dude ended up starving nearly to death. When the Argonauts showed up, they rescued him from this fate by chasing away the monsters, and in gratitude for the help he pointed them in the direction of the Fleece. Argonauts Calais and Zetes were sons of the North Wind, and they flew up to the Harpy nest and started kicking asses.
My Choice: click here
The Human Torch and Raccoon Suit Mario
In terms of badasses capable of flight, these are my choices for the expedition. First off, the Human Torch would be able to fly up and start toasting some Harpy ass, and it's really hard to argue with the badassitude of a guy who shoots fucking fireballs out of his hands and spends half of his day running around completely engulfed in flames. On top of that he'd probably be invaluable for helping us start campfires for cooking dinner and stuff. We'd really just have to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn't accidentally catch our wooden ship on fire.
And you can scream "OMG N1NT3ND0 FANBOI FTW" all you want about my inclusion of Mario, but when it comes to killing insane monsters by stomping on their heads or smacking the shit out of them with a club-like tail, he's the master. I mean, the dude was at work one day when he inexplicably got sucked into some crazy alternate acid-trip dimension and instead of wasting his time trying to figure out what the crap was going on he just started running around kicking everything's ass. In my opinion he's more than qualified to pop a couple of 'shrooms, fly up there, and start stomping on Harpy faces. You don't see too many plumbers these days smooth enough to score with a Princess either, which has to be points for.
The Clashing Rocks:
After freeing the seer, the ship had to pass through the Clashing Rocks - two giant mountains that smashed together at random intervals, turning anything between them into blood-stained sawdust. The Argonauts used a trick they had learned from the seer to help predict when the rocks were going to crash together, but their success ultimately hinged on their ability to row their asses off like motherfuckers and get through the Rocks super-fast without being ground into chili powder.
My Choice: click here
Sir Stephen Redgrave and Matt Pinsent
"Row, you motherfuckers!"
You've probably never heard of these dudes before, but they are like the ultimate Andre the Giant - Hulk Hogan tag team of rowing. Rowing as a pair on the UK men's team they've won seven World titles and three Olympic Gold Medals, and combined throughout their careers they've tallied nine Olympic golds and nineteen World titles. Basically if they can't push the Argos through the rocks without us being smashed into giant meat pancakes it can't be done.
Aside from just this particular trial where their abilities would be largely beneficial to keeping the entirety of the expedition alive, it will also help to have them around because it will balance out the fact that a vast majority of my Argonauts will have about as much experience rowing wooden ships as they do at crocheting baby bonnets.
The Stymphalian Birds:
The next island the Argonauts hit was the home of the Stymphalian Birds, giant falcons who's entire bodies were covered with metal plates instead of feathers. They could also shoot the damn feathers out at a high velocity and nail people with them. The Argonauts kind of got their shit fucked up by them, but were eventually able to chase them off.
My Choice: click here
Ashley J. "Ash" Williams and Detective Neville Flynn
I'm going with the masters of battling over-the-top shit on this one - Ash from Army of Darkness and Samuel L. Jackson from the epic Academy Award nominated summer blockbuster Snakes on a Plane. Both of these guys are more than capable of handling any sort of ridiculous shit you can throw at them, and no amount of protective steel feathers is going to protect you from a fistful of boomstick or the monumental ass whupping Mr. Jackson is capable of laying down.
I'd also like to point out the fact that Ash Williams was portrayed by Bruce Campbell, who portrayed Autolycus on one of the greatest television shows of the 1990s - Hercules: The Legendary Journeys - and Autolycus in mythology was one of the Argonauts. It's fucking six degrees of separation so mind-boggling that it generates it's own gravitational field.
The Undead Hordes:
Finally after all this bullshit the Argonauts reached the Island of the Fleece, which was ruled by a jackass king who (understandably) was pretty reluctant to give up such a priceless artifact and decided he'd only cough up the goods if Jason performed three insanely heroic deeds that were more or less impossible for any mortal human to accomplish. First he had to yoke up a pair of three thousand pound giant fire-breathing oxen, then he had to plant an entire field of dragon's teeth with them. After the teeth were planted, a horde of undead skeleton warriors would pop up out of the ground. Jason would have to kill them. Finally, he'd have to recover the Fleece itself from it's resting place in the lair of a Venerable Fire-Breathing Red Dragon that never slept. No problem, right?
Luckily, the King's daughter Medea was a powerful enchantress who fell in love with Jason and decided to bail his ass out. First she gave him a Potion of Fire Resistance for yolking up the oxen. Now I think I could probably figure out how to hitch a plow up to some livestock and do a little farmwork if I didn't have to worry about being turned into a charcoal briquette in the process. Medea also cast Level 8 Sleep on the Red Dragon, allowing Jason an opportunity to run in there, grab the Fleece, and make a mad dash for it like Pac-Man Jones fleeing the scene of a triple homicide. Now if my ability to leg out ground balls in D-League Softball is any indication of speed then I guess I'm a pretty fast runner, so problem there. No, the only trial I'd be worried about would be facing an army of undead warriors. Now I think I could do some damage (especially if I had a Morningstar of Disruption and a Marine Magnum pump-action shotgun or something like that) Army of Darkness-style on these undead fuckers, but if I were able to bring one other person to help me battle an army of the walking dead who would it be?
My Choice: click here
Pope Benedict XVI
My rationale here is this: You don't become Pope unless you're like at LEAST a level 20 Priest/Cleric, so even though he's probably so decrepit a strong cross-wind might tear his entire torso in half, Pope Ben Sex (I call him this because in German he's Benedict Sechzehn) can probably Turn Undead his ass off. I mean, I don't have a D&D Player's Handbook with me, but I'm pretty certain that at his level he'd be able to turn a fucking shitload of crappy 1 HD skeleton warriors. Since I don't really have a whole lot of experience battling the animated dead, I feel like anything the Pope can do to help me out would be totally beneficial.
Plus, I imagine that if the shit hits the fan big time, Pope Ben Sexx could probably bust out some super-secret Pope Powers like some sort of crazy Anti-Emperor. He could also bring along Saint Michael to assist in face-stomping, demon-asskicking duties.
I'm sure you dudes probably already heard the story of the Sirens in my overly-wordy BotW article on Odysseus, but just to recap they are hot naked babes who sing a beautiful song whenever a ship comes near their island. Sailors hear their song and are like, "Babes Ho!" and sail to the island only to watch the Sirens morph into giant gross monsters and eat them.
When the Argo passed the island of the Sirens and they started singing "My Humps" by the Black-Eyed Peas to entice the crewmen, resident Argonaut musician Orpheus played a beautiful song on his lute, drowning out the sound of the sirens and captivating the men even more so than the prospect of finding out what the sirens were going to do with all that ass, all that ass inside their jeans.
My Choice: click here
Jimmy Page and Slash
Fuck the lute, man. We just need to set up a generator and some amps on board the Argo and let fucking two of the best rock guitar soloists to ever live, Jimmy Page and Slash, go fucking nuts and bust out a twenty-minute flaming guitar solo so awesome that it not only makes every member of the crew forget about the Sirens (and possibly piss themselves from the awesomeness) but which also causes the entire Siren island to explode into tiny shards of musical inferiority, and then those pieces to explode again. I'd also be bet that, depending on his level of intoxication, Slash could handle himself in hand-to-hand combat as well as anyone. You can not fuck with Rock Gods, for they will destroy you.
I'd also be rather tempted to invite my older brother the rock star on board as well to live the dream of rocking with his heroes.
You know how some times you're driving somewhere and you get lost and all of a sudden you're in the middle of nowhere and have no clue how to get back? Well that shit happened to the Argonauts BIG TIME. The Gods got pissed off and sent a wind their way so powerful that it carried the fucking ship into Libya. And I'm not talking about like they landed in the port at Tripoli or something - I mean they were fucking carried into the middle of the goddamned Sahara Desert. The crew had to get some ropes and drag the ship for like two days before they even saw the ocean again.
My Choice: click here
Mariusz Pudzianowski and Zydrunas Savickas
When it comes to carrying heavy shit and performing amazing feats of physical strength, you could do a lot worse than international strongmen capable of bench pressing over 600 pounds with one arm and simultaneously lifting an entire Volkswagen over their heads with their other. These guys are both World Champion strongmen and could probably just pick the boat up and chuck it the eight hundred miles to the ocean if they wanted to. They'd also be pretty effective in battle because of their ability to crush a human skull using only their abs.
Bonus points to Savickas for wearing a shirt that says "XTREME" on it. He knows what's up.
The Island of Talos:
The final Island the Argonauts hit on their way home is the Island of Talos, a giant bronze golem that comes to life and hurls huge boulders at the crew. I don't really remember how the Argonauts defeat this guy, but I really seem to remember it involves a lot of running away at high speeds.
My Choice: click here
What better to face a giant towering mechanical construct that a giant towering mechanical robot that turns into a Mack truck, shoots goddamned lasers out of his retinas, and has a hand that can turn into a giant fucking axe made out of pure energy? Optimus could absolutely take Talos with little trouble, since he's an infinitely more sophisticated piece of machinery and the last time I checked "laser guns" and "energy blades" beat "boulders" by about ten thousand places on the Badass Weapons Scale. The problem here would be trying to build a ship capable of carrying the ten tons Optimus Prime probably weighs, but if anyone can be trusted to build a ship that sturdy, it's Chuck Norris.
By the way, have you checked out Prime's Wikipedia entry lately? I mean, holy shit, how much could there possibly be to say about a 1980's cartoon character?
The Sultry Enchantress Vixen:
Medea is one of the most compelling figures in Greek myth. A princess and an enchantress, she fell in love with Jason and betrayed her own family to help him recover the Golden Fleece. On the couples' triumphant voyage home they were married, and when they arrived back in Iolkos Medea was able to help Jason get revenge on the evil King. They lived happily for ten years and had two children together before shit really went downhill in a hurry, and a sequence of tragic events led Medea to kill her children and go into hiding in Athens.
My Choice: click here
Well obviously I'm not going to pick someone other than my actual wife to by my Argonaut Wife, and Medea's ability to constanly bail Jason out every time he gets into hot water or does something retarded is a definite parallel between our relationships. However, before you start writing me nasty e-mails for comparing my bride to a homicidal villainess hear me out on this one. You have to understand the circumstances surrounding the whole "I'm going to murder our children" thing. You see, Medea freaked out because Jason decided to divorce her after ten years of marriage (even though he was in love with her and she had helped him out so greatly with the Fleece) because he wanted to get married to some dumb ho princess and selfishly increase his own political standing. He offered to give Medea some money and keep her on this side as his mistress, which understandably didn't go over too well.
Medea of course wasn't down with this, and mailed Jason's princess slut fiancée an enchanted wedding dress that burst into flames as soon as the bride-to-be put it on. The King tried to extinguish the fire that was now melting his daughter, and they both ended up dying a fiery death. Since she was guilty of regicide Medea thought it would be best to kill her kids to prevent them from being sold off into slavery (or worse) before she fled town.
I gotta tell you guys, if I tried that slimy underhanded shit with Hot Andrea she would probably go on a rampage that would make Medea look like Malibu Fucking Barbie. We're not going to have any kids, so all the stuff related to that is a moo point, but I know for a fact that if I screwed Andrea over as badly as Jason screwed Medea over my balls would be thrown in a river somewhere and princess bitch would be fucking lucky to get away with "only" being set on fire.
I'm not saying Andrea would ever do that shit for sure. I'm just saying that if Jason didn't cheat on his wife everything would have worked out a hell of a lot better for him and he wouldn't have died alone and miserable (the mast of the Argo broke off and fell on him). Since I can't see myself ever turning into a huge dick and divorcing Andrea so I can run off with some young tart, I think we'll be able to avoid the fate of this doomed couple and have an Argonaut Quest with a much happier ending.
Other Necessary Equipment for the Trip:
- Hand-to-hand combat weapons (swords, spears, shields, Swiss Army knives, axes, etc.)
- Ranged weapons (MP5s, M-4s, Glock 22s, pump shotguns, ninja stars, ammo, etc.)
- Bug spray
- Snacks (beef jerky, chips, Powerbars, etc.)
- A big cooler
- Drinks (beer, rum, Gatorade, water, Coke, coffee, orange juice, etc.)
- A Supersoaker filled with holy water
- A blowtorch
- Fishing rods
- A Potion of Fire Resistance
- A couple Potions of Greater Healing
- My iPod
- A Morningstar of Disruption +1
- Fire extinguishers
- Life jackets
- A couple Nintendo DSes and some sweet games
- Dramamine (for my horrible seasickness) and maybe like some Advil or something
- Two Cherry Sunburst Gibson Les Paul Standard electric guitars
- Two big ass Marshall amps
- A first aid kit
- A portable power generator
- A cell phone
- An outboard motor
As I mentioned before, Jason took fifty people with him (not including himself and Medea) so here's my final list. I've included everyone in this update as well as a couple of folks who I didn't really feel like writing a paragraph or two about (some of whom are Badasses of the Week I already wrote about at length previously) but who I would also take on our legendary adventure. Noteworthy among the additions to this list that I didn't already mention are The Outsiders Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, notable for being possibly the greatest tag team in the history of professional wrestling, and The Mythbusters Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. I fucking love the Mythbusters, and I feel confident that bringing them along would prove to be a good decision in some capacity or another. I also included resident creative writer Super Tom Fun Guy so he can write an epic poem about our quest.
- Clastor B.
- J. Catfood
- The Admiral
- The Corporate Ninja
- Morloc Darkfucker
- Jack Shannon, Viking Warrior
- Lucius Diamond
- Evan Mypants
- John Coffey
- Chuck Norris
- Doug Flutie
- Professor X
- Bear Grylls
- Dr. Perry Cox
- Billy Dee Williams
- Jack Bauer
- Richard Marcinko
- Snake Eyes
- The Shredder
- Jet Li
- Fedor Emelianenko
- The Human Torch
- Raccoon Suit Mario
- Stephen Redgrave
- Matt Pinsent
- Snoop Dogg
- Det. Neville Flynn
- Pope Benedict XVI
- Optimus Prime
- General Zod
- Jimmy Page
- Super Tom Fun Guy
- John J.
- Scott Hall
- Kevin Nash
- Ash Williams
- Adam Savage
- Jaime Hyneman
- Mike Rowe
- Jesse Ventura
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Race Bannon
- The Archangel Saint Michael
The sweet taste of victory.
That's me on the left holding the fleece.
Note Saint Michael swooping in to give me a high five.
I feel that this list is pretty solid, but if you have any comments, you can of course feel free to e-mail me. Just please try to keep the insults and the "you suck as writer"s to a minimum, please.
To read more about the actual O.G. Argonauts, check these links, bitches:
The Argonautica by Apollonius Rhodius
Apollodorus, Library I
Timeless Myths: The Argonauts
The Complete List
About the Author