The Badass of the Week.

Ashley J. "Ash" Williams

Come get some.

Ash.  What can be said about him that hasn't already been done?

While I have long believed that the "Ash as the King of All Super-Badass Movie Anti-Heroes" theory has slowly been beaten into the ground over the past decade or so, the fact remains that you absolutely cannot have a moderately-credible list of the biggest badasses of all time and not include this undead-slaughtering assbeater and star of the Evil Dead trilogy.  So instead of rehashing the dead horse's revisited corpse and mentioning all the reasons that Ash kicks ass (they should be obvious to anyone who's seen the movies -- the sawed-off double-barreled shotgun, the chainsaw hand, the sarcastic hard-as-fuck one-liners), I'll present to you a theory that originated with my fianceé's ex-boyfriend's former roommate, but that I believe absolutely holds true.

The theory is that any sort of physically impossible event occurring in Army of Darkness or Evil Dead 2 can be completely rationalized in an intelligent and logical manner.  The explanation?

Because he's Ash.

How can he chop off his infected hand with a chainsaw and not only withstanding passing out from the pain or the system shock, but go on to spend the next half-hour locked in mortal combat with the now-autonomous severed hand?

Because he's Ash.

Why can he slaughter a beautiful woman's sole surviving family member, be a complete dick to her when she tries to make amends with him and then still have her fall madly in love with him simply by saying, "Gimme some sugar baby"?

Because he's Ash.

How was he possibly able to shoot an undead zombie hag right between the eyes with a sawed-off shotgun from fifteen yards away by resting the gun on his shoulder and firing backwards over his head?

Because he's Ash.

How is it that his belt managed to whip around a moving chain in a perfect knot strong enough to simultaneously support the weight of a fully grown man and a zombie creature while lifting him to safety above?

Because it's Ash's belt.

The fact is that you can't hold Ash to the same standard that you hold mere mortals to.  He is not only just a complete and total badass;  He is the standard by which all future badasses will be measured.  So if he wants to jump onto a department store trampoline and fire fifteen perfectly-aimed shotgun shells in rapid succession while soaring twenty feet in the air, he can do it.  You and I can't; but you and I are also not Ash.  And while it may seem impossible for do the things that he does and kick as much ass as he is famous for doing, I assure you that it isn't.  Why, you ask?  Simple.

Because he's Ash.


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