Muad'Dib gets ready to Weird some motherfuckers out.
I was never a big fan of the Dune movie, mostly because it was directed by David Lynch and that guy is like allergic to making movies that make any goddamn sense at all and most of the characters were so cryptic in their dialogue and posturing that it was tough to figure out whether they were being contemplative or constipated. Nevertheless, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't add Paul Atreides to my ever-growing list of badasses. Here's why:
- First off, Paul is the heir of one of the universe's most powerful ruling Houses and is fucking genetically-engineered to be a badass. He's bred to be the freaking saviour of humanity as the Kwisatz Haderach, and he can fucking see the future and shit. Which is awesome. Plus, he's trained in military strategy and hardcore back-alley knife-fighting by Jean-Luc Picard, who also teaches him how to create weird CG box shields around himself, lumber around like Tom Green in a Sumo Wrestling Fatsuit and stab people in the throat. Oh, and he learns martial arts somewhere in there too.
- In order to test how fucking rad he is, some bitch makes Paul put his hand inside this box that melts his flesh off. To make sure he's not a total pussy, she yells at him and says that if he pulls his hand out before he's supposed to he'll die immediately. So Paul is just like, "yeah whatever you stupid whore this doesn't hurt at all" and just sits there while fucking ants eat his hands or something. He just manages to mind-over-matter himself through it and acts like an emotional automaton while this crazy fucked-up box of mystery is doing all kinds of horrible shit to his hand. Once the ritual is over, his hand goes back to normal and everyone realizes that he's tough as fucking nails.
- He has cool hair.
- When the shit hits the fan back at House Atreides, Paul and his mom haul ass through the sands of Arrakis, meeting up with the Fremen, who recognize Paul as being a total badass and make him their king. He teaches them all how to kick ass and they all decide to be fanatically loyal to him until death even though they've only known him for a couple of days. Shit, the Fremen chief is even like, "damn Paul you're hardcore. Why don't you fucking get it on with my daughter and have some awesome kids or some shit?"
- The Fremen give Paul two names; Muad'Dib, which is like the name of the God of Living in the Desert, and Usul, which is a super-secret name which only one person can ever call him. If anyone else calls him Usul, Paul is well within his rights to kill them immediately. This is badass. I can really only think of one other person with a super secret name like that, and that's Yahweh. Yahweh is also badass.
- When he gets all wigged out on spice, his eyes start glowing blue and people start exploding.
- He rides around on hugeass sand worms that can swallow entire armies in one bite. Shit, he doesn't even need a fucking saddle - he just uses a rope with hooks on either end and climbs on top of these giant man-eating beasts like they were the fucking twenty-five cent motorized horses outside of Target.
- In the movie, he learns some crazy technique called the "Weirding Way", which lets him point a box at somebody, yell really loudly and make their body cavity explode. His name is even a "killing word". How fucking rad is that? I wish I could just point a stapler at someone, yell my name really loudly and watch their heads cave in.
- In the books, his crazy technique is actually an insane martial art that lets him zip around like The Motherfucking Flash and beat the holy living shit out of people. The Fremen learn this art and use Muad'Dib's name as a "killing prayer", whispering the name into the ears of people who have just been stabbed in the face or had their necks broken and are on the verge of death. That's also cool. There's something badass about making sure that your name is the last thing that your enemies hear before they die.
- When Sting shows up and starts acting all weird and shit with his stupid-looking hairless cat, Muad'Dib has a hardcore Beat It-style knife fight with him in the Harkkonen throne room. Of course, Paul is awesome and knifes Sting to death.
- Paul drinks that crazy Water of Life shit that killed like a million people before him but just ends up getting a really fucked-up acid trip out of it and waking up with a hangover. While he's tripping balls he meets all of his dead ancestors and the Virgin Mary cries blood or something. I couldn't really figure out what the fuck was going on in that scene.
- He threatens to destroy all the Spice on Arrakis and effectively bring all civilization in the universe to a screeching halt unless the Emperor of the Universe (!!) steps down and lets Paul take over. And the Emperor of the Universe agrees.
- Basically after all this shit, everyone realizes Paul is fucking awesome so they built some sort of crazy cult around him and worship him like a god.
Holy shit, if this list doesn't convince you that Paul Atreides is worthy of Badass of the Week honors, then I have no idea what will.
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