The Badass of the Week.


"Come a little closer."

There is a dark and foreboding place where few men dare tread, and where those who do tread speak with indecipherable accents.  A place that will rape your Christian soul and be left unquenched, sitting there silently... taunting your soul's now-swollen asshole with its maddening silence - where is your God now?!  There's no way that such a hellish, fiendish nexus of putrid rot and agony could exist!  Well, it does, and that place is none other than the continent of Australia.

But Australia, some say?  Not the home of Kangaroos and Crocodile Dundee!  Not the merry, magical land of Fosters beer fountains, Koalas, and effeminate metrosexual fashion that would make Brad Pitt blush.

Thou foul.  Thou art deceived by wicked, impure forces!  Thou art seduced by dark conjurers whose words are as laced with poison as your beloved Koala's eucalyptus leaves.

The creation of the Outback.

Australia is a terrible place that leaves none but the strongest (or the gayest, for some peculiar reason) alive.  Why else would the British have designated the entire continent as a PRISON COLONY for the worst scum of the earth Britain had to offer?  Now granted, the British are prudes, and their idea of a rapscallion (or whatever the fuck those pussy-ass redcoats call it) probably just meant somebody who didn't butter his crumpet right, or whose grammar didn't sexually arouse the Queen enough.  But still - the fact that this land was designated as a death trap so that foppish aristocrats could go back to their polo games in peace says something about the assumed lethality of this place.

And that lethality is more than just an assumption.  Out of the intelligently-designed cruelty of some cock-sucking asshole of a God, or just dumb luck, Australia has the largest concentration of venomous, aggressive, and black-hearted creatures on Earth.  The Box Jellyfish, the most ruthless, terrifying, and pants-shittingly evil killer of men (some people die as soon as 4 minutes after being stung) - lives off the shore.  The Sydney Funnel Web Spider, whose bite can cause PERMANENT open sores if it doesn't just kill you outright, and whose temperment - unlike most cowardly spiders - actually compels them to actively pursue you and repeatedly bite you - calls Australia its home.  The Australian Death Adder... well, shit, why do you think they named it that?  The Saltwater Crocodile, none other than the LARGEST REPTILE ON EARTH, guess where he dwells?  If you're bold enough about water to still take baths, I doubt that smug look of non-terror on your face would remain if you knew that the horror that is the Blue-Ringed Octopus frequents all coasts around the continent;  the LD-50 of its venom (as in, the amount of the substance that will kill 50% of the test subjects) is so high that a single dose is enough to kill 20 fucking grown men.  The Australian Jumper Ant - responsible for over 90% of Australia's emergency anaphylactic shock cases - is so sadistic and predatory that it actually has been known to wait on tree branches to ambush people below!

"I seeeee you..."

Even the plants are fucked up in Australia. Known only as "The Stinging Tree," this spawn of Satan looks deceptively innocuous.  It's a mild-mannered-looking thing that's merely covered with tiny hairs.  But the slightest touch of those hairs has been known to instantly kill rodents within a day, paralyze dingos and dogs, and cause excruciating pain (and yes, even death) to humans.  I mean fuck, seeding the land with enormous reptilian carnivores and holocaustic insects is bad enough.  But disguising certain agony and death as a little tree is truly a hallmark trait of sociopathic genius.

Then there's the Platypus.  He deserves his own paragraph because of how much of a deceiver he is.  He lulls you into complacency because his neurotoxic spurs don't directly kill humans most of the time.  Don't be fooled;  you'd beg for death.  All human victims of Platypus stings suffer immediate hyperalgesia (clinical hypersensitivity to any sensation of pain) for weeks or even months after the sting!  That's Australia's way of saying "don't fuck with me, asshole, or I'll send a Salt Water Crocodile to fuck you up and shove Box Jellyfish up your urethra while force-feeding your wife eucalyptus leaves.  That'll teach you not to use the word "crikey" in a pejorative context.  Fuck-ass."

Australia is a psychotic, cold-blooded murderer that would swallow you whole if you so much as left the front door of your house (and this is assuming that your Sydney Funnel Web barricades are in working order).  Whoever thought up the concept of Australia was inflicted with the madness of Nietzsche and the megalomania of Qin Shi Huangdi.  And you know what?  Genocidal, rampaging hellholes bent on exterminating all life on Earth are truly badass.

"I swallowed your God."


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