The Badass of the Week.

Beef Jerky

My wife always gets grossed out when I whip out a big bag jerky and eat the entire thing in one sitting, but she's definitely not repulsed when that dehydrated cow meat translates into rippling upper body muscles and superhuman agility!  Beef Jerky contains two of the three main food groups for real men, which are beef and sodium.  The third food group, iron, is generally gained through vitamin supplements or eating thumbtacks and railroad spikes.  I occasionally try to gnaw off pieces of the subway car when I'm on my way to work to fulfill my daily iron requirement, but some people who are "kinda" real men prefer to just like put razorblade shavings into their protein shakes or something.  However, one thing remains hard and fast:  Real men eat beef jerky.

Eating meat is one of mankind's basic instincts and to ignore that is to deny genetic evolution.  We were bred to be at the top of the food chain, and nothing demonstrates that better than biting into a log of pure beef and salt.  When you eat beef jerky it's almost like when Popeye downs a can of spinach:  You can feel your muscles swell and your arteries harden as you digest it and it fuels you with the energy and strength to punch boulders, play middle linebacker for the Packers and pull all the stuffing out of your couch with your teeth.  I mean, how many total wusses do you know that eat beef jerky?  None!  That's because weak sissies can't handle it.  They're too busy using forks or plates and eating girl foods like "souflées" and "vegetables".

The only thing preventing me from eating beef jerky at every meal is the fact that it costs like five dollars a bag, and while it's true that you get what you pay for it's also true that I can't go coughing up five bucks every time I want to get pumped up and break bricks over my head.  Despite the capital investment, however, I still firmly believe that all men should get involved in the beef jerky eating racket the second that their balls drop.  It's a serious snack for serious badasses.


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