The Badass of the Week.

Anne Bonny

Anne Bonny was a crazy mean-ass pirate bitch who sailed across the Carribean Sea fucking up anybody who looked at her funny and generally being a kickass scourge of the seas, making a name for herself by hacking the arms off of merchant sailors, stepping on their necks, and then shooting them out of a cannon face-first into a brick wall.  She was originally born in Ireland around the turn of the 18th century, but being that she was the illigitimate daughter of a wealthy lawyer named William Cormac and his hot maid she wasn't really all that well-received when she came into the world.  Mrs. Cormac took out an ad on the Cook County Times' front page proclaiming William's adultery, and since that shit was really frowned upon in Irish society back in those days the Cormac clan had to relocate to Charleston, South Carolina for a more low-key life of lawyering, growing tobacco and watching a lot of college basketball.

Anne was raised in Charlestown, but from an early age it was pretty obvious that she wasn't going to be the snooty Posh Spice high-society brain-dead debutante that her father was hoping for.  At the age of fourteen she took over as the primary housekeeper for the estate, and promply got into a heated fight with a maid that resulted in Anne stabbing her in the gut with a steak knife Fatal Attraction-style.  A year later some jackass horn-dog dude tried to rape her so she beat the holy living shit out of him with her bare hands before bashing his unconscious body half a dozen times with a tire iron.  The dude was so badly fucked up that he had to be hospitalized for months.

In addition to her headstrong take-no-prisoners attitude and her insanely quick temper, Anne further frustrated her father by not wanting to date any of the high-society douchebag foppish metrosexual guys he was trying to set her up with.  Instead, at the age of sixteen she ran off and married a small-potatoes pirate named James Bonny and moved to Nassau - a den of piracy that at the time was one of the seediest locales this side of Mos Eisley Spaceport.  Things went OK for a while, but as you can probably guess Anne wasn't the sort of badass babe who was going to be happy sitting around at home being a bored-ass housewife, and she didn't really fit in with many of the prissy bitches on the island.  For instance, one time she went to a fancy-pants high society ball where she was introduced to the sister-in-law of the Governor of Jamaica.  This bitch made some catty remark about how Anne's shoes don't match her fucking purse or something, so Anne hauled off and sluged her right in the fucking face.  The bitch went down like the Titanic and lost two teeth for her troubles.  Needless to say, this didn't make Anne too popular.  To further complicate shit, around this time James Bonny decided he was going to start selling out all of his pirate buddies to the Governor of Nassau in exchange for some cash.  Since Anne really didn't want to be married to some slimy fucking stool pidgeon rat bastard, she started exploring other options.  It didn't take long before one presented itself.  A small-time pirate known as "Calico" Jack Rackham arrived on the island and took a liking to Anne.  At this point in time, Calico Jack was more reknowned for his flamboyant wardrobe and inherant personal charm than he was for his tireless sword arm and piracy-capabilities, but Anne seized the chance to set sail for badassery.  Jack and Anne hooked up at a keg party one night and the two fled the island on Jack's ship, the Revenge, and began a beautiful career in nautical terrorism.

Since pirates weren't really the sort of folks who took too kindly to fighting alongside women, Anne disguised herself as a man in order to fit in with the crew.  She quickly made a name for herself as a total hardass who didn't even bat an eye while hacking up sailors with her trusty cutlass or blasting motherfuckers with any of the six pistols she carried on her belt at any given time.  She didn't shy away from killing, she worked ship with the best of them, and she spewed forth enough profanity to make a marble statue of the Virgin Mary start crying tears of blood.  She led boarding parties onto enemy vessels, she made prisoners walk the plank, and she essentially was considered the toughest, most badass pirate on board the Revenge.  You know that's fucking sweet, because if your ship is named The Revenge you have to assume it has some crazy ass motherfuckers on board.

After several months kicking ass at sea, finally one of her fellow crewmen caught onto the fact that she had boobs.  At first this caused a clamor, and one jackass pirate matey decided he was going to kick the little lady's ass because OMG how the shit can a hardcore buccaneer be expected to fight alongside a woman and still be considered worthy of his eyepatch and hook hand?  He took two steps towards her.  She drew her cutlass.  He whipped out a broadsword.  Two minutes later, Anne Bonny was chucking his bloody, lifeless corpse over the side of the boat.  Nobody else ever fucked with her again.  Later on in her high seas adventures the Revenge would actually take on another female crewman, a fellow badass bitch named Mary Read, and the crew enjoyed a period of unparalleled success, earning tons of gold and plunder from various ports and merchant ships.

Unfortunately, we all know how most of these pirate stories turn out for our intrepid outlaws.  In October of 1720 the Revenge captured a Spanish galleon laden with gold and treasure, and everybody decided to get wasted to celebrate their victory.  Well right around the time the crew was on her second rendition of "What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor" a ship full of British Marines pulled up and all of a sudden the pirates found themselves about to get seriously fucked up by the Limeys.  Anne and Mary were the only two crewmen who could hold their liquor, so the two of them put up a valiant last stand against the onslaught of enemy soldiers.  After holding off the Brits for almost an hour, the women were finally overwhelmed and the crew of the Revenge was captured.  Anne was so pissed at the cowardice and uselessness of her fellow pirates that as she was being hauled off by the Brits she started firing her pistols at her own men.

The crew of the Revenge were all thrown in prison and sentenced to Death by Hanging.  Once it was revealed that Anne was pregnant with Calico Jack's baby, her sentence was commuted and she was released (a common practice for the times).  Before she left jail, she stopped in to pay Jack a visit.  She calmly walked up to the bars of his cell, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Iím sorry, Jack, but if you had fought like a man you would not now be about to die like a dog".  Then she turned on her heel, strode out the front door, and completely vanished from history.

Anne Bonny is one of those Sarah Connor-type chicks who would just wouldn't want to fuck with if your life depended on it.  She drank hard, she fought hard, and she proved herself to be a complete badass in every way.  She took shit from no one, upheld all the necessary attributes of badassery, and has been remembered as one of the toughest pirates to ever sail the Earth.  Not bad, considering that she was also one of the only women to ever perform the job.


Ahoy Matey, That Pirate Has Breasts



The Complete List

About the Author

Miscellaneous Articles