The Badass of the Week.

Bruce Lee


"You have dishonored my family and a Shaolin Temple.  Now you must die."


Bruce Lee was one of the biggest badasses to ever live.  Aside from being essentially the godfather of Kung Fu films in America and paving the way for stars such as Jet Li and Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee was possibly the greatest martial artist to ever bust heads and strangle people to death with their own intestines.

Say what you want about the modern-day martial arts movie superstars - that they're more acrobatic than Bruce or that they have cooler moves, more exciting films or more innovative techniques or whatever - almost all of them look to Bruce as the pinnacle of martial arts greatness and most of them were inspired to undertake their arts by watching him.  It's difficult to compare the kung fu films of today with Bruce's classics like Enter the Dragon or The Chinese Connection because film technology just wasn't what it is today.  Bruce would have to do many of his scenes over several times because he was simply kicking faces too rapidly for the camera to capture his movements.  He would have to go at about half speed, and even then you had to make sure not to blink during the fight scenes or you'd miss him decapitating some fool with his nunchucks while simultaneously kicking a knife out of some unsuspecting thug's hand and beating the holy living crap out of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

While he was a pioneer in the film industry and was pretty much solely responsible for bringing the martial arts film genre into the American mainstream, his greatest accomplishments may have come off-camera.  He was a total badass, and spent every day developing himself into the ultimate killing machine.  He would engage in martial arts competitions and demonstrations around the globe where he would seek out the biggest badass in the martial arts world and completely dismantle and humiliate him in less than two minutes.  He would get up in the morning, train and meditate all day, and then when he would go to bed he would hook himself up to an electrolosis machine so that he would exercise his muscles while he was sleeping.  You can tell too, because he's like incredibly ripped and retardedly strong for a skinny dude.  I wouldn't mess with him.

Bruce Lee got bored with the sissy martial arts he was studying in China, so he developed his own special style called Jeet Kune Do, or "The Way of the Intercepting Fist".  He spent many years refining this technique and it is still practiced to this day.  He used to impress his students by doing two-finger pushups and demonstrating his "one-inch punch".  The one inch punch was where he would make a fist and put it less than one inch from you, and then he could generate so much velocity in that one inch span that he could punch a hole directly through your torso.  If he was feeling particularly generous, he would spare you the internal dismemberment and just send you flying across the room.  This technique is a pretty good indication of how ridiculously powerful Bruce Lee was.

Bruce Lee died suddenly one night when he was simultaneously poisoned by the CIA, the FBI, the Japanese Government, the American Mafia, Communist China, Fidel Castro, the Motion Picture Association of America, Chuck Norris and Sammo Hung.  The combined effects of the twenty-seven different pharmaceutical-grade neurotoxins combined with the Asprin and alcohol that were already in his system resulted in a pretty fatal case of death.  As is the case with most badasses, Bruce Lee had become too awesome for his own good and suffered from an early passing at the age of thirty-three.  However, in his short life he established himself as the biggest name in martial arts cinema history and one of the most complete and total badasses to ever walk the planet.







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