The Badass of the Week.

Gaius Julius Caesar

He came, he saw, he kicked their asses.


Gaius Julius Caesar (100-44 BCE) was a total badass Roman general and statesman who conquered most of the known world and beat the shit out of anyone who dared cross him. He was born to a family of lesser nobility and married some rich chick who was tied into the family of the Consul Marius but quickly squandered all her money bribing people and then she died. Eventually Marius got his ass kicked by Sulla, who then starting murdering all of Marius' supporters. Julius did the manly thing and ran his ass off like a little bitch, but was eventually captured by pirates and held for a large ransom. While he was a captive of the pirates, Caesar joked that he would see all them crucified, a joke which everyone including Caesar laughed at, even though it was lame and nobody really "got it". However, as soon as the ransom had been paid Caesar raised an army, hunted the pirates down and crucified all of them because nobody crosses Caesar and lives to tell about it, motherfucker.

After Sulla kicked it, Caesar returned to Rome and was awarded a Praetorship in Spain, where his legions beat the crap out of lots of Spanish people and conquered the territory for Rome. Then he allied with the two strongest men in Rome, Pompey and Crassus, and formed the First Triumverate. As a result of this alliance he was elected Consul in 59 BCE, but after doing that for a year he decided that he wanted to be governor of Gaul.

Shortly after arriving in Gaul, Caesar came to the realization that France sucks. He then proceeded to kick the asses of everyone who lived there, conquering the entire region with his legions and subjugating everyone to Roman rule. In order to make sure that nobody forgot how awesome he was, he wrote a bunch of books about how he totally owned the Gauls and everybody was like, "Holy crap Caesar, you kick ass!" and he was like, "I know, tell me about it". It was like the Classical equivelant of this website. The Gauls eventually got totally pissed and organized a revolt under Vercingetrorix but Caesar refused to be defeated by a guy who's name was reminiscent of an evil video game dragon so he beat the hell out of Verc and dragged his body through the streets of Rome.

The Roman senate decided that he wasn't being a very good governor of Gaul since he was killing everyone he found so they stripped him of his title. Caesar was so tough though that he didn't even give a shit. He was like, "screw you guys, France sucks anyways" and led his army out of Gaul, across the Rubicon River and toward Rome. Pompey was in Rome and was like, "Oh, snap! I better get out of here before this guy totally rocks my face off!" and bolted for Greece. Caesar marched into Rome, had the senate proclaim him Dictator, and then he headed out after Pompey. Caesar eventually caught up with Pompey at the Battle of Pharsalas. Here's an excerpt from Plutarch's Life of Caesar:

Before they could charge, the cohorts which Caesar had posted behind him ran foward and, instead of hurling their javelins, as they usually did, or even thrusting at the legs and thighs of the enemy, aimed at their eyes and stabbed upwards at their faces. Caesar had instructed them to do this because he believed that these young men, who had not much experience of battle and the wounds of battle but who particularly plumed themselves on their good looks, would dislike more than anything the idea of being attacked in this way and, fearing both the danger of the moment and the possibility of disfigurement for the future, would not be able to stand up to it. And this in fact was exactly what happened. They could not face the upward thrust of the javelins or even the sight of the iron points; they turned their heads away and covered them up in their anxiety to keep their faces unscarred. Soon they were in complete disorder, and finally, in a most disgraceful way, they turned and fled, thereby ruining everything, since the cohorts who had defeated the cavalry at once swept round behind the infantry, fell on their rear, and began to cut them to pieces.

Caesar kicked the crap out of Pompey and then beat up on the Egyptians, Turks and Pompey's kids. He got it on repeatedly with Cleopatra and created the king of all salads, the Caesar Salad. Man I love Caesar Salad. Eventually, some dudes were like, "Caesar is too awesome. It's not good for humanity to have such a total badass running around killing everyone." so they stabbed him in the back twenty-three times. That's the price you pay for being awesome. Caesar's adopted son Octavian didn't get that memo though, so got all his buddies together and lived for revenge the Amazing Ben way, killing everyone who was a part of the conspiracy to kill Julius.

Caesar is the badass of the week because he is everything that a total badass should be. He kicked everyones ass, lived for revenge, got it on with a hot chick, and had his death avenged. It just doesn't get any better than that.









Main

The Complete List

About the Author

Miscellaneous Articles

RSS