-- Jack Churchill vs. TITANOBOA --
A few weeks ago I received the following e-mail:
"I have read a few of these when stumbleupon points me toward them, but the Jack Churchill one was very AWESOME. Who would win in a fight, Churchill or a TITANOBOA? Churchill would obviously get to use his long bow, sword, and bagpipes (to soothe the snake to sleep, or simply charm it into killing Nazis for him) while the TITANOBOA would be unarmed. I think if Churchill kept a good range on the beast he could pull it off, but we both know homey don't play that."
This excellent query really got me thinking. I didn't have an answer. For several days I rattled this conundrum around my head, desperately searching for the most logical explanation for how an epic battle like this would play out. This is what I came up with.
Jack Churchill vs. TITANOBOA
A Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie
Screenplay by Amazing Ben
This insanely-epic film begins with a couple lines of text slowly scrolling over the backdrop of a war-torn European battlefield while sad yet heroic music is playing:
"May, 1945: When Nazi Germany surrendered, most people thought the Third Reich was finished. Little do they know, Mad Jack Churchill's story was just beginning"
TITLE SCREEN: JACK CHURCHILL VS. TITANOBOA
(Cue ultra-bitchin' flaming guitar solo as the intro credits roll)
A cargo plane lands on the tarmac of a British airfield. Off the vehicle's loading ramp walks a tall, dashing Lieutenant-Colonel with a Scottish broadsword at his side, a chest full of medals, and a heroic swashbuckling smile on his face. As this obviously-important man purposefully strides through the ranks of assembled men standing around him, they are screaming adulation for his abilities and recounting his amazing stories. "Colonel Churchill! Is it true that you killed a German officer with a bow-and-arrow during the Dunkirk Campaign?", "Mad Jack, how did you escape from that Nazi concentration camp?" etc.
The war hero makes his way through the crowd, but suddenly finds that his path is blocked by an official-looking man in a suit and a crazy black derby hat. The man gestures to a sweet 1940s automobile, and Jack climbs into the back seat. He is driven to a secret location, where he comes face-to-face with… DUN DUN DUN Winston Churchill, the Prime Minister of England! In a very serious conversation, Winston tells Jack that British spies have still been picking up sporadic hits on the captured German ENIGMA network. The Allies now have reason to believe that some high-ranking members of the Third Reich managed to escape the Russians, and have made their way to the uncharted wilderness of Argentina. In order to avoid an international incident, Winston needs one man to parachute undetected into the jungles of South America and confirm whether there is indeed a secret enclave of Nazis escaping prosecution. Jack obviously agrees, and probably makes some kind of pithy James Bond-style comment while doing so.
The scene cuts to Jack Churchill unhesitatingly jumping out of a nondescript, unmarked cargo plane high above the South American jungle. He parachutes to earth, and not long after hitting the ground he spots a plume of thick black smoke off in the distance. He makes his way towards it, and discovers a small village under attack; the thatched roofs are burning and dead bodies are lying around all over the place. Then, Jack catches a glimpse of the distinctive gray uniform he recognizes so well – Nazis! He mutters something hilarious under his breath about how irritating Nazis are.
Jack Churchill quietly stalks towards the outskirts of the village, pulls out his well-worn English longbow, nocks an arrow, and sends it straight into the heart of a nearby SS officer who is barking orders in a ridiculously over-acted German accent. The rest of the German soldiers look around, trying to catch sight of the man who fired the arrow, when all of a sudden another one takes a hit in the eye and goes down. Then another guy gets shot in the neck. There's one guy left, spinning around in circles firing his weapon wildly into the woods, when out of nowhere Mad Jack swings in on a vine like Tarzan and double-leg kicks the SS d-bag off a ravine into some rapids where he's eaten by piranhas. Dramatic music plays while this is happening.
As the blaring trumpet music subsides, the camera cuts to a small thatched hut. Out of one of the huts steps a very hot Latina babe, who thanks Churchill for saving her. Of course, she's the last survivor from this tiny village, and is very grateful that Jack swooped in at just the right time to prevent anything terrible from happening to her. Jack asks her who these men are and where they came from, so she leads the British officer through the jungle towards a large settlement because she obviously knows what's up.
Jack looks out over a vast makeshift city of wooden buildings and guard towers hidden deep in the Argentinean wilderness, where SS soldiers are busily working on a number of projects. The most prominent feature of the camp is a giant mine that is currently being excavated for unknown reasons. Churchill retreats back to the safety of the jungle, radios Winston on an achronistic satellite transmitter, and lets the PM know what's up. Winston refers to the Nazis as "bitches" and then tells Jack that he needs to investigate what the heck is going on here.
We cut to two random Nazi soldiers digging deep inside the massive mysterious mine. It's dark, and the men are using torches to see. In typical horror movie cliché fashion, one of the torches flickers and goes out. Deep in the impenetrable darkness, a feint scratching sound is heard. The frightened SS men take a few steps deeper into the cavern to investigate, pistols drawn. Suddenly, something off-screen grabs them and pulls them screaming into the darkness.
Back outside, Churchill and his new ally are wandering around the woods trying to formulate a plan of attack and complaining about how much they hate Nazis. Maybe Jack gives a little back-story on who he is to fill the audience in and impress the hot babe. Eventually they decide they need to capture a prisoner and interrogate him for information, so they resolve to set a trap.
Churchill waits in the jungle for a soldier to wander nearby on patrol. When one dude walks by all alone, Jack jumps down out of a tree, thrusts his sword in the dude's face, and forces the guy to drop his weapon. We cut to a close-up on Churchill's face as he is sneering in victory and saying something witty, when all of a sudden a Luger pistol comes in from off-camera and points right at Jack's head. Jack turns around slowly and finds and entire platoon of Germans standing behind him, and an SS officer holding the Luger. Standing next to the platoon is the woman from the village, who has been captured.
The German commander gloats for awhile about a bunch of stupid crap, and then – BAM – when you least expect it, an awesomely-terrible computer-generated TITANOBOA shows up and bites the dude completely in half. There's blood everywhere, and the 40-foot snake is shaking its head around with half a torso sticking out of its mouth. The Germans all start firing their MP-40 submachine guns at the monster, but the bullets can't penetrate TITANOBOA hide. The thing just flips out and starts kicking everyone's ass like whoah!
Churchill grabs the chick and they make a break for it while the Germans try to take this thing down. Our heroes run through the woods saying things like, "what the hell was that thing?" and other such nonsense. Eventually they hear the gunfire stop, and we all know that the battle ended poorly for the Nazis. Maybe we cut to a short scene where an armed German patrol stumbles across the remains of the battle.
That night, Churchill breaks into the Nazi camp to figure out what the hell is going on. He sneaks past the guards, snaps a guy's neck, gets into a large laboratory building, and finds some documents for an atomic resonance weapon that are inexplicably written in English. It turns out that the Nazis are mining Uranium to fuel an experimental type of nuclear-powered sonic weaponry. Oh, and they're also trying to clone Hitler, because how can you possibly have a movie about Nazis without mentioning Hitler?
Armed with this new intel and unpredictably amazing plot twist, Jack gets out of there and radios Winston. Winston wisely deduces that the resonance weapons tests must have awoken TITANOBOA from his forty million-year slumber, and now he's a damn crazy kill-maniac bent on eating everything with a pulse. Since the UK can't send warplanes in to Argentine airspace without starting a war, and time is of the essence, Jack needs to get back in there, reprogram the weapons, and destroy the entire camp in a giant mushroom cloud of death.
The next day, Churchill is observing the camp through binoculars and discussing strategy with the chick. They decide the need to create a diversion to get into the camp and buy time to arm the weapon. Then, Jack comes up with a brilliant idea – this thing is affected by sound, so he busts out his bagpipes and starts belting "Scotland the Brave" at maximum volume. We cut to wide-shot scenes of the jungle with the god-awful sound of bagpipery blaring across the landscape.
All of a sudden there's a huge commotion in the woods outside camp. The TITANOBOA, who hates Scotland almost as much as he hates Nazis, comes flying out of the jungle like a toothy cruise missile and starts chomping people's arms off and crushing Nazi trucks into scrap metal with his super-powerful constrictor muscles. Guns are useless against its armored scales as it slaps over a guard tower with its tail and eats the men right out of it. Soldiers come running out from everywhere trying to fight this thing, which is freaking out on them like a giant reptilian sociopath. This goes on for a while.
Churchill uses the distraction to break back into the camp, reach the lab, and find the resonance weapon. Via the radio, Winston gives Jack step-by-step instructions for removing the nuclear core and wiring the device to self-destruct. Jack completes the rewiring, but before he can arm it the door to the laboratory is forcibly kicked open. Standing in the doorway is the most evil Nazi of all time – Dr. Josef Mengele. He looks pretty much the same, except he's augmented his body with crude cybernetic enhancements and a glowing eye like the Terminator.
Churchill pulls his Browning, but Mengele runs up and smacks the pistol out of his hand. Robo-Mengele completely freaks out and starts throwing Jack around the lab, smashing beakers and breaking stuff. Just when it's starting to look like Jack's about to get his ass wrecked, he reached up and grabs an Erlenmeyer flask filled with a mysterious clear liquid. As Mengele charges, Jack hurls the thing in his face, which starts melting off from the super-powerful acid inside. Jack gets to his feet, grabs a Bunsen burner, flips it on, and throws it at Mengele's screaming body. The acid is also flammable apparently, because it turns the evil doctor into a giant raging inferno that somewhat resembles those Kuwaiti oil field fires from Desert Storm. Mengele starts running around yelling, so Jack stabs him in the balls with a scalpel. Mengele runs outside and has his flaming head bitten off by the TITANOBOA.
Mengele now sufficiently dead, Churchill arms the bomb, sets the timer for fifteen minutes, and gets the hell out of there. He hurriedly runs to the small makeshift airfield in the camp, where he fires up the engines of a German cargo plane. We are treated to sporadic cut-scenes where the digital countdown of the bomb timer slowly ticks down towards zero and tense/dramatic music plays very loudly. With just a few minutes left on the timer, however, the TITANOBOA reappears suddenly and tail-slaps Churchill across the airfield, where he smashes back-first into some rubble! The massive snake strikes to finish him off, but Jack comes to his senses and dives out of the way at the last second. They battle for a while, and eventually Jack notices a heavy anti-aircraft gun emplacement on the other side of the camp. He sprints towards it with the snake chasing after him, but he's not fast enough. The TITANOBOA catches him, wraps its body around him, and starts constricting. Barely able to breathe, Jack pulls out his well-polished claybeg broadsword and jams it between two scales on the monster's abdomen, causing the beast to shriek in pain. The TITANOBOA gets pissed and goes to bite his head off, but at the last second Jack lunges up at the thing with his blade, stabbing the creature in the brain through its open mouth. The TITANOBOA dies instantly, it's dripping fangs less than a foot from Churchill's face.
The hot chick runs out from the woods, helps Jack extricate himself from the dead snake, and they make out for while. Then they realize, "oh shit the bomb's about to go off," and break into a dead run to get to the plane. As they reach their one ticket to freedom, they stop suddenly when they hear a slow clap coming behind them. They turn around, and out from the shadows steps….
THE FULLY-OPERATIONAL CLONE OF HITLER!
Hitler says something like, "I'm impressed that you've survived this far, but this is where your adventure ends, Jack."
Then, out of nowhere, a slightly-lisped voice confidently says, "I don't think so, chap."
Hitler turns and sees Winston Effing Churchill walking out of the woods pointing a Tommy gun at him. Hitler thinks for a moment, looks at Jack, looks at Winston, and then swings his pistol towards the PM. Winston is too fast. He smokes the Fuhrer with a full clip of .45-caliber ammunition. Clone Hitler's head explodes like at the end of Bionic Commando for the NES.
Jack looks over at Winston, who winks and says, "Well I couldn't let you have all the fun, now could I?"
They all jump into the plane, take off, and fly into the sunset while a giant mushroom cloud goes off behind them.
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