The Badass of the Week.

-- Hypothetical Deathmatches --
Update 29 April 2005 by Amazing Ben


Many people e-mail me many questions because they know how smart I am, mostly because I tell them every time I get the opportunity to do so.  Unfortunately, I'm also incredibly lazy and a total bitch and I really hate my email provider with the unholy realness so I hardly ever reply to anything that anyone sends me even when they're like "write me back or I'll start sending you explosives and severed heads in the mail".  I'm usually just like, "This is a good email.  I will answer it the next time that I feel like staring at an animated hourglass for twenty minutes only to have my piece of shit email provider crash and make me either break my keyboard over my head or type up a whole new response."  Then I totally forget about it, only to remember like a week later and say to myself, "dude, I should totally respond to that email".  By that point though, the moment has passed and if I actually did respond the person would be like, "who the fuck is this guy and what the hell is he talking about?  I should sent him some explosives and severed heads in the mail."

The point to this pointless rant is that people like to ask me questions relative to The Badass of the Week, such as, "who would win in a fight between Secret Agent Sasquatch and little red riding hood if riding hood shot up an entire kilo of PCP, filed her teeth into points and had a knife?".  Generally I take the time to think about what the answers to these questions would be in the limitless world that is my head, but as I mentioned before I don't generally respond for some reason or another.  Well, here's your opportunity to see what would happen in a little bit that I think I'm going to call Hypothetical Deathmatches because it's the first thing that came into my mind when I started this update and I can't think of any title that doesn't sound like it should be part of the late-night 3AM Tuesday lineup on The History Channel.

This segment will pit people from throughout history against one another in single combat and the winner will be determined arbitrarily by me because I am the fucking authority on the subject and if you have a problem with that just let me know and I will send you a link to a website that actually gives a shit about your feelings or opinions.  Now, on to the battles!



Dr. Sigmund Freud

The father of modern psychology
VS.
Dr. Mindbender

The father of shirtless psychology
Dr. Sigmund Freud was pretty much responsible for advancing the entire field of psychology into what it is today, which makes him the arch-nemesis of L. Ron Hubbard and Scientologist crackheads everywhere.  Luckily for psychologists, most Scientology cultists are far too busy nailing chicks half their age that used to star on "Dawson's Creek" and pretending to take their tax-shelter religion seriously so they don't usually give a crap about psychology or anything other than whether or not they have ascended to the level of consciousness that allows them weight room privileges at their local temple.  As a result, Freud and his buddies never had to really flex their ass beating muscles.  However looking at this picture, you can tell that Dr. Freud could really probably bust some heads if he wanted to, and you know he would probably do so while wielding a giant metallic bludgeon shaped like a dong.

Dr. Mindbender was a member of the comically-inept terrorist organization COBRA, where he specialized in looking like the missing Village Person and completely and miserably failing to seduce The Baroness.  Dr. Mindbender is shown here using a gun, but I'll bet he'd have a pretty difficult time hitting anything since the monocle is probably fucking up his depth perception something fierce.  Mindbender used to try to brainwash the G.I. Joes, but it always seemed to backfire when the Joes realized that they would rather have white-hot acid-soaked nails shot through their skulls than ever do anything to betray America or do anything other than kill terrorists and tell kids not to do drugs and say their prayers U-S-A U-S-A U-S-A Yo Joe!  However, you have to believe that at some point some of the blame has to be turned away from rabid patriotism and COBRA has to consider the fact that maybe this guy is just a quack.  Their first hint could be that he has his pistol holster on his right side even though he shoots with his left hand.
Winner:  Dr. Sigmund Freud


Dr. Mindbender would come out and try to brainwash Freud, only to get headbutted, burned with a cigar and then subsequently beaten to death with a candlestick which represents the Ego and also the Phallus.  Mindbender might have had a shot at winning if he could have organized a run-in by either Storm Shadow or John Travolta, but he's neither charismatic nor competent enough to coordinate such a thing.  I mean, if a big scary shirtless moustached bald guy with a gun came up to me and asked me to help him beat up one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century, I know I would probably just mace him and steal his monacle.


Trotsky

Dedicated to Marx
VS.
Marx

Dedicated to Marx
Leon Trotsky was a Soviet Revolutionary who assisted Vladimir Lenin in the overthrow the despotic Tsarist Russian Empire and helped usher in a new age where Russia was at the forefront of international politics, transitioning from a backwards country to a global superpower.  He was well educated in Marxist thought and was at Lenin's right hand, until Lenin bit the dust and a guy by the name of Josef Stalin moved into power and exiled Trotsky to Mexico.

Groucho Marx had his own unique style of Marxist thought, which revolved around him and how awesome he was.  Groucho rules because he was the progenitor of the nose glasses, which are the freaking awesomest kind of glasses ever created.  Groucho used to drink, smoke cigars, groom his crazy moustache, nail hot chicks and make movies where he would walk face-first into walls and giant rakes would fall on his head.
Winner:  Marx

I think we've already seen how this one turned out.  Here's a little-known true story:  Once upon a time Trotsky was hanging out in his Mexican study one night when a drunken Groucho, inebriated from another wild night in Tijuana, bust in and was like, "dude, let's get stoned and go to a strip joint."  Trotsky was all like, "no way man, I'm reading about Marx" to which Groucho replied, "dude, I fucking AM Marx, and I say let's get weed and strippers".  Trotsky then tried to forcefully make Groucho leave and the ensuing battle resulted in Trostky getting a damn icepick in his head because NOBODY comes between Groucho and that sweet sweet ganja.  A lot of people like to blame Trotsky's death on Stalin, but those people are giving Uncle Joe too much credit.  They are what I like to call "idiots".


Winston Churchill

Prime Minister of England
VS.
Adolph Hitler

Prime Minister of Getting Fucked in the Ass by the Allies
Winston Churchill is one of my favorite people of all time.  This guy was a totally badass bastard grizzled old alcoholic who was in charge of an entire Western nation and did a better job of running it than pretty much anyone since King Arthur.  Churchill didn't take shit from anyone and when the Germans were like, "ve are going to bomb your country" he was like, "bring it on you bitches, I'll strangle every single one of you motherfuckers to death with my bare hands if I have to".  When Churchill's men started to get demoralized because bombs were being dropped on London and other British cities, Churchill bitch-slapped them and was like "snap out of it you assholes!  We have a war to win" and got everybody in England so pumped up that they fought their asses off and stopped complaining about not getting their damn tea and crumpets at 3PM because they were too busy shooting bullets out of their mouths, blasting Germans in their Spitfires and beating up foreigners with oversized inflatable rafts to give a crap about whether they wanted one lump of two.

Hitler the tyrannical dictator of Germany.  He was also a chump-ass bitch.  There is a rumor that he lost one of his nuts when he tried to piss on a goat and it bit his sack off.  I'm not sure how true that is, but if that happened to me I guess I'd be a pretty angry little man too.  Hitler was such a pussy that he made all of his friends do his dirty work for him while he sat around in his mountain palace, ate popcorn, pretended to know stuff about the army and watched Marx Brothers movies all day.  And he slept like fifteen hours a day.  Oh, and he was a bastard.  I'm not sure if you know that about him or not.  It's a well-kept secret.  He was a pain in the ass to kill in Wolfenstein 3D though.  However, any historian knows that the real Hitler was far too much of a pansy-ass girly man to carry two miniguns without falling over and crying.   Like a bitch.
Winner:  Winston Churchill

Churchill rules.  How many world leaders do you see posing in a top hat with a big cigar and a Thompson submachine gun anymore?  There aren't enough Presidents or Prime Ministers that can easily be mistaken for gangsters anymore.  Anyways, Churchill would pummel Hitler to pieces with his ham-sized fists and then roll up the remains into a fat blunt which he would smoke while doing awesome stuff like riding a camel and breaking beer bottles over his head or making up kickass gangsta rap songs.
Wolfenstein Hitler was tough.  The real Hitler was not.
You can tell because in Wolfenstein Hitler isn't even the final boss.  Even in a game based on the regime he used to control, he's still just a bitch.


Darth Maul

Overrated Dark Lord of the Sith
VS.
Rey Mysterio, Jr.

Overrated Cruiserweight Champ
Darth Maul was the guy from Star Wars:  Episode I:  Attack of the Fucking Gay-Ass Subtitles.  You might remember him if you think about the movie for a while... he was only in about five minutes of the whole thing and said one line (I think) before he got chopped in half by the fucking Big Mac Daddy of Jedi Knights Ben Kenobi.  Sure, Maul killed Qui-Gonn, but I think that if you gave me a hatchet, a styrofoam finger in the shape of the "shocker" and a nice pair of Air Jordans I could slaughter Liam Neesan in under fifteen seconds and without breaking a sweat.  Darth Maul is an overrated chump and the most easily defeated Dark Jedi in the history of the Star Wars universe.  I think I had a more difficult time cutting my way out of a paper bag in Knights of the Old Republic than Obi-Wan had fighting Darth Maul.

Rey Mysterio, Jr. is a Mexican luchador wrestler whose superpower is the ability to do backflips and hurricanranas without getting dizzy and barfing all over the place like an alien in a Contra videogame.  Mysterio is a fan favorite for some reason, despite the fact that he is about three feet eleven inches tall, ninety-two pounds and can get chucked the entire length of the skydome by Kevin Nash and then launched into the stratosphere by a well-executed Outsider's Edge from Scott Hall, the biggest badass in WCW history.  Now I don't have anything against cruiserweight luchadores - La Parka and Psychosis were two of my favorite wrestlers of all time - I just fucking hate Rey Mysterio and his stupid fucking wrestling moves and "I'm so tough" attitude.  Nobody's buying it.  And the muscle definition?  I think that when you're Rey's size you can get six-pack washboard abs by doing about five sit-ups at any point in your life and not eating anything bigger than your fist.
Winner:  Nobody

This is a battle between two dudes that people think are cool when they're really just skinny pussy-ass bitches that could get knocked over by one forceful blow to the back of the head with an uprooted tree stump.  Both of these guys enjoy jumping around like fruity super bouncy balls and doing acrobatic tricks when they should be more focused on murdering the other person and eating a goddamned cheeseburger.  I predict that a battle between these two guys would result in about a half an hour of backflips and cartwheels before they both became too tired to do anything else and gave up because their makeup was starting to run and because they're total fucking lamers.  The only losers are the people who would want to see how this battle pans out.

Though I guess I would watch if it meant there would be a tag team run-in by Scott Hall and Obi-Wan Kenobi and then they totally beat the piss out of both these jokers while dishing out X-treme behind-the-back high fives and using the Force to choke some sense into Rick Flair and "Mean" Gene Okerlund.  That would rule.






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