The Badass of the Week.

I Rule at Microsoft Excel
Update 3 December 2004 by Amazing Ben


In order to graduate from college, everyone in the University I was attending had to take a class or a test to demonstrate that they had what the school termed "computer literacy".  Since I could read ALL of the letters and words on my keyboard and monitor, I figured that I had some degree of computer literacy.  As such, I decided not to take the "Intro to Computers for Mouth-Breathing Dumbshits" class but rather to just to take the ten minute literacy test in the computer lab and be done with it.  In fact, I was so confident of my 1337 h4x0r skillz that I didn't even schedule the test until the last semester of my Senior year.  Luckily for me, my slacker friend Bill had also postponed the exam until the last possible minute, so we went together one afternoon to sign up for the test, which would undoubtedly be a joke.  When we arrived at the office, we were a little surprised when we checked the study guide they handed us.  Apparently our school sold out to the Bill Gates supercomputer machine, because we were apparently supposed to know a couple of Microsoft Office programs, known in the industry as "Word" and "Excel".  Up until that point in my career, I had primarily used WordPad for all my word processing needs, and had never used Excel before in my life.  I mean, what the hell would a History major need to use a spreadsheet program for anyways?  Well, unfortunately Bill and I had to learn Excel in a week and a half, or we weren't going to graduate.

At first I didn't really get it, and then I became super-pissed as the formulas and cells kicked the crap out of me and made me debate whether I should use the SUM function or put a sledgehammer through my monitor.  I struggled with the data sorts and other meaningless computer garbage while Bill ended up Excel-ing the living fuck out of me, scoring way higher than me on that portion of our Computer Lit test and mocking me over beers and kung-fu films afterwards.  Thankfully, my lack of Excel talent was made up for by the fact that I knew how to "cut and paste" folders on the desktop and "underline" things in Word, so we both ended up passing the test and graduating on time.  However, the bitter defeat at the hands of my peer weighed heavily on my soul in the years following college.  One day however, I got my ass out from infront of my PlayStation 2 and got a damned job.  Not any job either, one that required me to use EXCEL, my hated arch-nemesis.  It took weeks of struggling, but I stand here today a changed man.  Now I freaking rule at Microsoft Excel.  Check this shit out:



My Excel skills are like a giant military plane in the middle of a busy highway:
They kick ass.



Formulas?  No Problem!


They used to give me a hard time, but now I can kick the ass of functions and not even think twice.  I don't even give a shit, because I am fucking hard as hell.  If I was a pimp or in jail, functions would be like my bitches.  There's nothing you can do about it either, because I'm all like, "SUM, MEDIAN, COUNT" and you jerkwads are all like, "what the fuck are you talking about?".  Only I know, because I'm awesome.  I can add, multiply, compound interest, do my taxes, predict tornados and wipe my own ass with functions programmed into Excel.  If you've got a problem with that I'll jam an optical mouse up your urethra and then program a formula to calculate the exact amount of time it will take the ER doctors to dislodge it.


If You Can't Highlight Boxes, You Suck


I am the King of Highlighting Boxes.  I pretty much use this button for everything and since I'm so rad and I know how to change what color the boxes are, I generally print out reports for my superiors where all the boxes are neon fucking orange, yellow and pink.  My ultimate goal is for one of my bosses to glance at an equipment log-in sheet and have their head explode from how awesome the spreadsheet is and then simultaneously have their retinas seared off from all the brightly colored boxes and fuscia text.  My mad crazy insan-o-bot box highlighting skills take a boring ass conditions report and throttle it until it's a Pink Floyd techno-remixed vampire-raver laser light show on ten pounds of acid doing X off an unconscious hooker and punching frat boys in the mouth.


The Crazy Buttons Nobody Uses


Since I rule at Excel, I like to use these cryptic buttons that do advanced functions that you would never be able to comprehend if I wrote a five hundred page dissertation about them.  Mostly because I don't even really know what they do, so the "dissertation" would just probably be a bunch of jibberish about how cool I am mixed with a study regarding whether or not listening to Pantera is a sign of repressed homosexuality.  However, since I'm the master of this fucking program I like to mash these buttons every once in a while just to shake things up and make myself feel cool.  I enjoy the combination of Greek symbols and juxtaposed A's and Z's, but I particularly enjoy hitting the one on the far right that looks like a random A flying around while a tower of building blocks falls all over the place.  I'm still not entirely sure what that does, so I just refer to it as the "Chaos Button" and use it when I think my kickass spreadsheet needs a little turbocharging.  It's like a custom spoiler and racing stripe for your office work!


Manipulating Cells


The only things that I am more adept at manipulating are my nuts.  Anyone who doubts that can just check out the fucking masterpiece above, which was lifted directly out of my weekly personal budget.  That shit is in bold-ass letters.  Plus, one cell is aligned to the right while the other is aligned to the left!  Is it magic?  Hell no, it's just another example of the inhuman awesomeness that is Amazing Ben.  That's not all either!  I can expand, shrink and merge cells, wrap text, add headers and footers and make my hard drive give me a handjob while computing pi to eight million decimal points and sorting all my data alphabetically by word origin.


Charts and Graphs


Here's a chart I made when I started working out at the gym and getting totally ripped out of my mind on hard work, proper nutrition and human growth hormone like my name was Barroids Bonds-Giambi.  That's right, bitches, I'm so awesome that I Excel the shit out of stuff in my spare time!  If you think that's dorky or something, just remember that if you weigh under two hundred pounds I can probably pants you and stuff you into my A drive without even thinking about it.

This chart is awesome.  I don't even care what you think.  I mean, check that shit out!  Both axes are labeled and there are two separate LABELED COLORED bars!  What's more badass than that?  Nothing.  Except maybe a giant gorilla that eats people, which would rule but unfortunately may not even exist.  This chart is here now, and it is awesome.  That is the important thing.





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