The Badass of the Week.

-- Celebrity Haiku Biographies--
Update 15 April 2005 by Amazing Ben and Hot Andrea

My wife and I decided that it was time to keep our esteemed readership up-to-date on all of the hottest and steamiest celebrity gossip.  In order to dole out our tabloid wisdom to the type of people who visit this website however, we decided that we were going to have to use small words and bite-sized morsels of delicious chocolatey information so as not to confuse or bore you all.  So in an effort to give you the information you need in a medium you can digest but still maintain the world-reknowned originality that this website is known for throughout the world, we present to you CELEBRITY HAIKU.  That's right folks!  All the news you would ever want in the 5-7-5 format you know and love!  This way we not only piss off celebrities and irritate fanboys, but we also manage to defile a centuries-old form of artistic expression at the same time.


Michael Vick:
With a crappy porn name
Ron Mexico's herp

Jessica Simpson:
Her songs always sucked
Her husband is a douche bag
"Chicken of the Sea"

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen:
The brat on "Full House"
Pedophiles count the days

Gary Sheffield:
Big scary black man
Really whips the bat head 'round
Steroid raging freak

Kirstie Alley:
One really good show
One sitcom that no one watched
Now she is bovine

Ozzy Osbourne:
From Prince of Darkness
To reality TV
How the mighty fall

Alex Rodriguez:
Overpaid diva
Shitty start to the season
"Slappy McBluelips"

Britney Spears:
She used to be hot
Married a background dancer
White trash pregnancy

Erik Estrada:
CHiPs hispanic cop
Come get some Vitamin M
Marco on Sealab

Paris Hilton:
Walking clothes hanger
Sex tape hoarded by perverts
Ron Mexico's herp

Wilder Valderama:
Dance-off with Lindsay
Likes banging underage chicks
A little bit gay

Renee Zelweger:
Bridget Jones was plump
Fucked crappy musicians
Looks like a Q-tip

Brad Pitt:
Did some decent flicks
Dumped Jen for Angelina
But then who wouldn't?

Tom Cruise:
Ditched Nicole for Cruz
Ghost rider requests fly by

Mike Piazza:
Held a press conference
To announce that he's not gay
We all know the truth


Bill Simmons:
Self-important prick
I sincerely hope you get
Ron Mexico's herp

Jennifer Lopez:
An annoying bitch
Want to kick her in the sack
I know she's got one


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