The Badass of the Week.

-- Celebrity Haiku Redux --
Update 29 July 2005 by Amazing Ben and Hot Andrea

Some of you may remember that a couple of months ago my wife and I put together a relatively well-received selection of celebrity haiku biographies, where we did our best to keep you well-informed of the intimate and personal lives of many people that you will never meet and keep it in an artistically respected medium so as to separate ourselves from no-talent monkey tripe like Star Magazine, Celebrity Bitches Monthly, and Newsweek.  Well the fast-paced world of celebrity mudslinging never slows down so we need to do our best to keep you informed of who is nailing who and what household utensils they're using to accomplish said feat.  So here we go again!

Derek Jeter:
"Captain October"
Didn't make the All-Star team?
Smarmy little bitch

Jude Law:
Hot British actor
Lays pipe to his kids' nanny
No need to leave home

Mariah Carey:
Big in the 90's
How fucking old is she now?
Her face is messed up

James Brown:
Big time funk master
Got hooked on coke, beat his wife
"I'm high on the lord!"

Karl Rove:
Helped Bush win campaigns
Leaked name of CIA op
No chance he'll get canned

Saddam Hussein:
Supreme dictator
Ruled Iraq with iron fists
Caught while writing porn

Katie Holmes:
Bad Ferenghi teeth
Scientology's victims
Tom and Katie Cruise?

Michael Jackson:
Gigantor pop star
Plastic surgery gone bad
Molested some kids

Matt Clement:
Big fluffy goatee
Took a line drive to the head
That will leave a mark

Paris Hilton:
She's led a tough life
Now it's time to retire
No more cheap porno

Matthew Perry:
Skinny, fat, skinny
Drug and alcohol rehab
Ms. Chanandler Bong

Brice Mellen:
Though he can't see shit
He'll totally rock your ass
At Mortal Kombat

Axl Rose:
80's bad boy stud
Band split up; beat his wife
Got bad cheek implants

Brad and Angelina:
They've got a new kid
Dehydrated African
Meningitis sucks

Paula Abdul:
Lakers girl, pop star
Decade of obscurity
Judge (with benefits)


Clint Eastwood:
Totally badass
Made his living busting face
Now he's too artsy

Mike O'Malley:
GUTS was the shiznit
Got old, fat, bald and grey
So, do ya have it?

Lindsay Lohan:
She was kind of cute
Now looks like a stick figure
With a bad boob job


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