The Badass of the Week.

Hector of Troy

"Daughter of Zeus, can you and I look on, without a final effort, while the Achaeans perish?  For that they will, and miserably too, mowed down by a single man.  See what he has done to them already.  Hector son of Priam rages with intolerable fury and there is no stopping him in his mad career."

- Hera, Queen of the Gods


Hector was the Prince of Troy, the son of King Priam and heir to the Trojan throne.  He is known as one of the greatest warriors in all of antiquity, the first among Troy, and the leader of the city's defenses during one of the most epic wars ever fought.  Throughout his life he was admired by friend and foe alike for his courage, his strength, his nobility and his devotion not only to his people, but to his family, his friends and his deities.

Hector was hanging out in the kickass city of Troy just minding his own business when one day all of a sudden his asshole loser brother Paris decided it would be really cool to travel to Sparta and kidnap the wife of the Spartan King, a super omega-hottie babe known as Helen.  Well if you know anything about Classical Greece, you fucking know that the Spartans were probably the last people anyone in their right minds would want to fuck with because they're the sort of folks who would stop at nothing to kill you and break all of your stuff.  So Paris and Helen showed up at Troy and went off to some foofy linen harem-style bedroom to eat grapes, sit on chaises-lounges and get busy while Hector all of a sudden found himself in the middle of a motherfucking gigantor war.  Not long after Paris and Helen started flitting around town hitting up the trendy nightclubs and drinking Appletinis, about ten billion black-hulled Greek ships crashed onto the beach D-Day style, deploying a massive army of pissed-off motherfuckers hell-bent on kicking Paris' ass, burning Troy to the ground and killing everyone they can get their hands on.  Hector didn't start any shit with anyone, but all of a sudden he was the one who's had to defend his people against one of the most formidable armadas ever assembled.

For nine years Hector lead his people against the Greeks, protecting the city and keeping the Achaeans at bay.  In the tenth year, Hector's arm was starting to get sore from killing like eight hundred people a day so he decided to set up a duel to the death between Paris and Helen's husband Menelaus.  Mano-e-mano, winner gets Helen, loser goes home.  This is the way that true badasses would settle this shit.  Unfortunately, Paris wasn't exactly a fucking Bronze Age Charles Bronson, and he was being a total whiny bitch about the prospect of having to duke it out with the goddamned King of Sparta.  Hector told him to suck it up and get his shit together:

"Can you be the man who carried off a beautiful woman from a distant land and warlike family, to be a curse to your father, to the city, and to the whole people?  Are you too cowardly to stand up to the brave man whom you wronged?  You will soon find out the kind of fighter he is whose lovely wife you stole."

This is a good indication of why Hector rocks.  He knows his own brother is in the wrong here, and he's making an effort to put things right in an honorable and just manner.  Sure, he's spent nine years killing Greeks on her behalf, but he really doesn't even give a fuck about Helen.  He just wants to keep the invaders from burning his city to the ground.  He does what any chivalrous cavalier worth his armor would do and protects his people.  Anyways, Paris and Menelaus fought, but the battle ended in a draw when Paris got wounded and ran away like a bitch.  The war was back on, so Hector once again kissed his wife and son goodbye and returned to the field of battle.




Now the Greeks had badasses like Odysseus fighting on their side, but all told their secret weapon was the invincible warrior Achilles.  Now a lot of people familiar with Trojan War are probably wondering why I have Hector here but not Achilles.  Well the truth is that Achilles was a fucking bitch.  Sure, his armor and his weapons were forged by the god Hephaestus and he was unequivocally the strongest and toughest of all the Greek warriors, but he honestly spends like two-thirds of the fucking Iliad sulking in a corner pouting about some stupid shit or another.  Like when some jerk stole his girlfriend, Achilles decided he didn't want to fight for the Greeks anymore so he just rand back to his tent and pouted while listening to Third Eye Blind.  What the fuck?  If you're that pissed, just kick the fucking dude's ass and get your girl back.  As a military commander you've got an obligation to your people, and instead you're sitting around smoking pot with your thumb up your ass while your compatriots are out there getting spears jabbed in their eye by real badasses like Hector.  Sheesh.

Anyways, the renewed round of combat came at the time when Achilles has locked himself in his bedroom with his fingers stuck in his ears screaming, "I can't hear you!  I can't hear you!" whenever Odysseus or somebody tried to reason with him.  Well with Achilles out of the picture, Hector and the Trojans started whipping asses all over the place.  There are seriously like two entire books of the Iliad dedicated to in-depth descriptions of Hector slaughtering every warrior he meets using everything from his spear and his sword to cleverly executed headbutts with his helmet and shield charges that busted jerks' heads open.  He flipped out like a ninja and pushed the Greek army back to the ocean, where he went to work trying to set the Greek ships on fire.

Defending the Greek ships were the Myrmidons, an elite unit that served as Achilles' personal bodyguards.  While Achilles cried into his beer, his men did battle with Hector, and he crushed their balls up and down the coast.  Finally Achilles' best friend/gay lover Patroclus put on Achilles' magical armor and went to try and stop the Trojans.  Now Patroclus was a badass warrior, so he rallied the Myrmidons and went kicking asses and slaughtering Trojans all over the place, eventually coming face-to-face with Hector himself.  After a brutal steel-cage Hell in a Cell duel Hector put him down like a Kenny Loggins record and stole the Armor of Achilles (Bronze Plate Mail +5, +3 STR, Damage Reduction 50%) for himself.

This really pissed off our friend Achilles.  Achilles came back to the Greek Army, rallied his forces and went marching towards the gleaming spires of Troy, driving the Trojan army before him and riding over peoples' nuts with his chariot.  Eventually the entire Trojan army was pushed back within the walls of the city except for one man - Hector of the Flashing Helm, the Pillar of Troy.  Achilles dismounted from his ball-crushing chariot and advanced towards his enemy.




Now I haven't said much about it up to this point, but back in the Classical Age the Gods were total cockburglars to everyone.  They fucked with guys on both sides, and poor Hector was no exception.  They basically showed up and told him that Achilles was going to fuck his shit up and leave him in a bloody heap outside the city gates, so when Hector saw the super pissed blood-lusted Achilles coming at him he started running away at top speed.  This isn't meant to show that Hector is a pussy however - it's a way of showing that even the bravest of the brave sometimes succumb to the fear of their own mortality, especially when they're in a battle they have no chance of winning.  After being chased around the walls of the city, Hector decided to stand and face his fate head-on, be a man about it and do battle with the invincible Achilles.

The battle more or less went down like the first time you run into Lu Bu in Dynasty Warriors 4.  No matter how badass you think you are, there's pretty much no way to win, especially considering that fucking Hera, Zeus and Athena were all using their powers to give Achilles more of an unfair advantage than an entire syringe full of HGH.  Achilles also knew that there was a weakness at the neckline of his old armor and took advantage of it, planting a spear right into Hector's throat.  After Hector crumpled to the floor dead, Achilles strung him up by his heels and dragged him around behind his chariot, screaming insults at everyone and giving Jesus the finger.  Achilles was a fucking dick.

Eventually King Priam went to the Greeks and recovered the body of Hector, and he was given a hero's funeral by the Trojan people.  His burial marks the end of the Iliad, as it's pretty obvious that without Hector Troy doesn't stand a fucking chance.  Sure, Paris was eventually able to avenge his brother by killing Achilles with an arrow, but that didn't stop the Greeks from sacking Troy, throwing Hector's son Astyanax off the roof of the castle and taking his wife Andromache back to Greece as a slave.  His death marked the beginning of the end for his people, as they were hopeless without the strong guidance of their fearless leader.

Hector is one of those badasses who commands respect not only from his own people but from those he fights against.  He's like Saladin in that even his hated enemies had nothing but kind words about his valor, his skill, and his courage.  He was one of the strongest, bravest, and most noble man in history and his memory would be carried on through the epic journey of his half-brother Aeneas, final heir to the throne of Troy.



"My doom has come upon me; let me not then die ingloriously and without a struggle, but let me first do some great thing that shall be told among men hereafter."

- Hector



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