The Badass of the Week.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, "Come and see".  And I saw, and behold a white horse:  and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him:  and he went forth conquering, and to conquer. 

And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, "Come and see".  And there went out another horse that was red:  and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. 

And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, "Come and see".  And I beheld, and lo a black horse;  and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.  And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, "A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny;  and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine". 

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, "Come and see".  And I looked, and behold a pale horse:  and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

Holy shit the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are badass.  There's only four fucking dudes but according to some Christian scholar-types they're so wicked hardcore that they can wipe out all sentient life on the planet.  That's pretty damn impressive.  Basically the story goes that whenever God gets sick of our bullshit he calls on these motherfuckers and each one of them manages to kill one-fourth of the world's population.  So even when the biggest, strongest, most badass people to ever live join forces into a huge Voltron-like mega-badass, they don't even stand a chance against the horsemen.  Then once everyone's dead, the horsemen each pick up a corner of the universe and smash it together, blinking everything out of existence.  Which rules.

Here's a little background on the various horsemen, and a little commentary on why they're awesome:


The first horseman has been interpreted to mean "Conquest" or "The Antichrist".  Either way, you'd probably have to be out of your mind to fuck with him.  I mean Antichrist by definition pretty much means "the meanest motherfucker ever", so this guy's probably a total crotch-kicking face-smashing douchebag.  He rides a white horse, wears a ridiculous crown along with his even more ridiculous facial hair and shoots people in the face with a bow and arrow just to be a dick.  So you'll just be walking along minding your own business trying to grab an Extra Value Meal at McDonald's when all of a sudden some fucking dude rides up out of nowhere on a horse and puts an arrow in your eye.  That would suck ass.  I'll bet he's a pretty hardcore shot with it though.  He'd have to be if he was going to conquer a quarter of the world using a weapon that's been obsolete for about two centuries.  Like "shoot an arrow into the cockpit of a stealth fighter flying at top speed and kill the pilot" good.  And you can't fuck with that.

By the way, doesn't the description of the First Horseman sound a little too familiar?


Ah, war.  It's been around for centuries and despite our best efforts there are still some people that haven't been killed by it.  Well, that will change when the horseman of War comes along.  He's the biggest, most totally ripped barbarian to ever exist and he has a ten foot long sword which he uses to decapitate fools.  I mean, look at the picture.  He's so freaking jacked that he flexed once and his shirt and pants completely ripped into shreds and flew off his body.  But he doesn't even give a shit.  He's not going to let something like being pantsless stop him from killing anything with a pulse with his Sword of Justice.  Nothing in the universe can defeat him in single combat, and on top of his ability to slaughter millions of people with a big honking sword, he can also cause people to flip out ninja-style and kill each other for no reason at all.


Famine is probably the biggest cock of them all.  He doesn't waste bozos by impaling them on sharp objects, but rather opts for the more "hands-off" approach.  He just jacks up the prices of food, causes droughts and/or eats all the food that he can find.  He's like a ten-time World Eating Champ, and he manages to kill people simply by either scarfing down every Moon Pie and Ho-Ho in a twenty mile radius or becoming a corporate asshole big-wig and getting rid of the Dollar Menu at Wendy's so college students around the world perish from starvation.  He's like Arn Anderson in the sense that he's the craftiest and most diabolical of the Four Horsemen.


Every time I hear Johnny Cash read that line about Death riding forth and bringing Hell with him at the end of "When the Man Comes Around", I get a chill down my spine.  Death is without a doubt the most badass of the Horsemen.  He doesn't even have a weapon or a method of killing, all he does is show up and the shit hits the fan big time.  Who besides Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan can stand up to the physical embodiment of death in a fight?  Nobody, that's who.  Death rides around on his pale green horse (The original Greek indicates the color of Death's horse as being the sickly sort of pale green that people turn when they're dying or recently dead.  Since "green horse" doesn't sound all that badass, the English translation is "pale horse") and everything that he comes in contact with dies.  It doesn't get more badass than that.

Those are the horsemen of the apocalypse.  Maybe it's morbid or creepy or depressing, but you have to admit that nothing in the universe could take the horsemen in a fight.  I mean, they freaking destroy the universe, succeeding where so many diabolical madmen have failed.  That's hardcore.  They're the most awesome mythological creatures to ever be thought up by anyone, if nothing else than simply by the scale of their mission and the lengths they go to accomplish it.


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