The Badass of the Week.


"I will hunt them down.  I will destroy them all."

Kefka is one of those video game characters who holds a special place in the hearts of any gamers lucky enough to cross virtual blades with this eccentric, mentally-unstable lunatic.  The clinically-insane egomaniac from Final Fantasy VI (better known as Final Fantasy III to anyone in the States who owned a Super Nintendo, couldn’t tell you the difference between a Famicom and a Sitcom, and doesn’t sit upright in bed a four in the morning memorizing kanji or masturbating to violent cartoon pornography) elicits both fond memories and hateful remembrances from everyone familiar with the games, and nobody can dispute the fact that this creepy, psychotic, over-the-top villain was a diabolical madman and one of the biggest pixilated bastards to ever grace the gaming industry with his evil presence.

Orphaned at a young age, Kefka worked his way through the prestigious Imperial Military Academy, graduating at the top of his class.  He served the Empire valiantly as a military officer, and during his career he proved himself to be a brilliant strategist and a genius on the battlefield, winning countless battles and rapidly advancing through the ranks until he was one of the Emperor Gestahl’s top Generals.  However, even though he was at the pinnacle of the soldiering profession, Kefka longed for greater power.  He underwent an experimental transfusion of Esper essence that gave him the awesome ability to use magic, blow shit up with fucking lightning bolts and poison motherfuckers with giant balls of disgusting plague-infused green energy.  However, since the whole "inject your bloodstream with magic" process had not yet been perfected by Imperial engineers, these newfound powers rapidly began to dissolve Kefka’s already-tenuous grip on his own sanity.  He became increasingly bloodthirsty, ruthless, and sadistic, until one day he completely snapped like a piece of straw being crushed underneath ten tons of camel meat.  He became wildly eccentric and started wearing extravagant, garish clothing and makeup like some kind of sociopathic drag queen from Hell.  Because in his mentally-unsound condition he couldn’t be trusted with the power his generalship held, the Emperor Gestahl appointed Kefka to the position of Court Mage and sent him out to perform the Empire’s dirty work – capturing the eternal souls of ancient magical beings called Espers and stealing their energies to power the Imperial war machine.

Kefka was good at his job.  He unflinchingly burned Figaro Castle to the ground simply for resisting him, he broke the siege of the city of Doma by poisoning the water supply and killing all the civilians, he assassinated several high-ranking Imperial Generals foolish enough to stand in his way, and he participated in the violent capture and subjugation of the once-peaceful town of Narshe.  He delighted in stealing souls, enslaving the Espers, and exterminating anyone who crossed him, but despite all of his success and power he still hated his job with the sort of fiery passion that you don't often see outside of retail establishments and Dilbert cartoons.  He was sick of being treated like a little bitch errand boy, and understandably thought it was total bullshit that the Emperor got all the glory while he did all the dirty work, so Kefka formulated a plan.

Ultimately, the Emperor and Kefka succeeded in enslaving the Espers and managed to bring back a giant magical floating island that housed the spirits of some ancient, all-powerful gods and goddesses.  However, right in the Emperor’s moment of triumph, Kefka turned on his master like Darth Vader on the observation deck of the second Death Star, blasting him with magic and then unceremoniously drop-kicking him off the edge of Bespin Cloud City.  Kefka then seized ultimate power for himself, unleashed a bunch of insane powerful dragons on the world, banished his only remaining opposition - a rebel group called The Returners - to another fucking dimension, and basically threw the entire world into complete ruin for no reason other than to flex nuts and satiate his own desire to be completely fucking awesome and all-powerful.

Once in charge, Kefka used the Light of Judgment (a giant fucking beam of energy like the hand of God or the Ion Cannon from Command & Conquer that shot down from the sky and annihilated anything it touched) to smite anyone who didn't agree to worship him and submit to his evil will.  Like any good egomanaical despot, he formed his own insane cult of rabid zealots, who holed up David Koresh-style in the Tower of Fanatics, and his reign of terror ruled over the world for an entire year.  Eventually he was killed by The Returners in an insane boss battle where he had access to the most powerful magics in the game and transformed into the physical manifestation of Lucifer himself, but even though his iron grip on the world was broken, he was such a badass, ultra-powerful motherfucker that his destruction brought about the death of all magic in the universe.

Kefka is great because he starts off as a loser henchman and becomes one of the greatest villains in video game history, inspiring young people across the globe by demonstrating to them that even the most worthless, pathetic peon can transform himself into the God of Destruction, bend the minds of weaklings to serve his mad desires, and obliterate all life on Earth.  He’s completely unpredictable, he has no motive except an unquenchable thirst for power and destruction, and his sarcastic wit provides for some of the best dialogue in the entire Final Fantasy series.  Basically, the great Lucius Diamond put it best when he said, “Anyone who doesn’t like Kefka is an A-1 cock and an anti-Kefkite bastard.”

Click on Kefka to hear the hideous laugh
that gave an entire generation nightmares.


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