LIST OF BADASSES
Jan Sobieski - The man who saved Europe by leading the largest cavalry charge in human history.
Jalil Zandi - The highest scoring F-14 Tomcat fighter ace of all time.
Hardcore Heroes - Quick update for Friday 8/8.
Maurya Dissanayake - Three muggers ambush a gas station attendant in broad daylight. They don't realize the other guy who works there is the five-time Sri Lankan MMA champion.
Hercules - The Greek God of Heroes.
Brian Wood - Ambushed from two sides and pinned down by machine gun and RPG fire, this British infantryman resolved to cut his way out or die trying.
King Clovis - The bloodthirsty Germanic barbarian asskicker who created the modern French state as we know it.
Francis Marion - The Swamp Fox, this take-no-prisoners American guerrilla warrior made life miserable for British forces across South Carolina.
Samuel White Baker - An old-school British colonial explorer, writer, and soldier who dedicated his entire life to badass adventure.
Date Masamune - Eyepatch-wearing Japanese samurai who kicked ass in the service of two shoguns.
The Duke of Caxias - The greatest war hero in Brazilian history, this rebellion-quelling military commander personally led a hardcore cavalry charge at the age of 64.
David Vivian Currie - Canadian mechanic who sealed off the Falaise Pocket and trapped over 50,000 Nazis during the Normandy Campaign.
Queen Tamar - The Queen of Kings, this ultimately powerful warrior-ruler dominated Georgia and Central Asia for over 35 years.
Henry T. Elrod - WWII Marine Aviator takes on 22 planes by himself over Wake Island, then leads infantry in a desperate last stand.
Bartholomew Roberts - The most successful and dangerous pirate to ever live.
Walter Walsh - Badass gangster-hunting FBI agent, Marine Corps sniper, Olympic marksman.
Gonzalo Guerrero - Hardcore Spanish mercenary shipwrecks on the Mexican shore, becomes war leader of the Mayans.
Leona Woods - The only woman on the Manhattan Project, this physicist helped build the world's first nuclear reactor, then produced the fissionable material used in the first atomic bomb.
Raden Wijaya - Medieval Indonesian warrior-prince kills everyone, bangs a half-dozen princesses, then tries to double-cross the Mongol Horde.
Paul von Lettow-Vorbeck - Undefeated German WWI commander, master of African guerrilla warfare, an a man who once told Hitler to go fuck himself.
One Shot, Six Kills - An unidentified British sniper single-handedly stops a Taliban ambush with just one bullet.
The Mighty Atom - Badass old-time strongman who once beat the hell out of 20 Nazis single-handedly.
Eugene Vidocq - The father of modern detective work.
Trieu Thi Trinh - 19 year-old Vietnamese girl kills a person, trains in forest, raises army, fights Chinese while riding a war elephant.
Wayne O'Mahoney - 41 year-old naked British Army vet beats the hell out of three guys trying to jack his car.
Themistocles - Athenian commander who took on the full might of the Persian Navy in the final defense of his homeland.
Charles C. Rogers - When the NVA threatened to overrun American artillery at a critical firebase, this 40 year-old math major met them with a bayonet and an assault rifle.
Ashurnasirpal II - All-conquering bloodthirsty King of Assyria built a temple out of flayed human skin, built minarets out of human heads, then
commissioned art depicting him banging fertility goddesses and strangling lions.
Isabella of Castile - Seized the throne of Castile, drove the Moors from Spain, created the Inquisition, and financed the discovery of the New World.
Slade Cutter - All-American football player and hardcore WWII submarine commander.
Selim the Grim - Bloody Ottoman Sultan who doubled the size of his empire and destroyed his enemies without mercy.
Narcisco Ortilano - One Filipino warrior vs. an entire squad of Japanese infantry. Who ya got?
Larry Thorne - Finnish Special Forces commando fought the Reds while serving with three different countries in World War II and Vietnam.
Camazotz the Death Bat - Blood-sucking Mayan Bat God of death, destruction, and TURBO MONSTER JAMS.
Lyle Bouck - 18 American recon troops hold off the entire 1st SS Panzer Corps in the opening hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
Saint Nicholas - The patron saint of prostitutes, murderers, children, sailors, and punching heretics in the face.
Nzinga Mbande - Blood-drinking, Portuguese-slaying African warrior Queen.
Andrei Sakharov - Created the biggest bomb in human history, received the Nobel Peace Prize.
Judah Maccabee - Jewish warrior leads revolt against the Selucids to avenge the desecration of the holiest temple in his religion.
Jack Johnson - the first black Heavyweight Boxing Champion of the World
George Welch - One of the only American pilots to fight back during Pearl Harbor.
Yusuf Alchagirov - 80 year-old man headbutts bear, kicks it in the balls, is thrown off a cliff. He lives.
Hammurabi - An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
The Sabertooth Tiger - Giant prehistoric lion with butcher knives for teeth.
The Swiss Pikemen - The most dangerous infantry unit of the Middle Ages.
Carl von Clausewitz - The most influential military mind of the modern era.
Tibor Rubin - Hungarian-born Concentration Camp survivor turned American war hero.
Mariya Oktyabrskaya - When Nazis killed her husband, she bought a tank.
The White Tights - A mysterious, possibly-mythical band of women snipers who have made life miserable for the Russians for decades.
Bhakti Thapa - 74 year-old Gurkha charges into battle with the Chinese, Sikhs, and British armed with a kukri knife and a double-barreled shotgun.
Monsopiad - Legendary Borneo Headhunter who took over 42 heads in combat.
Adrian Carton de Wiart - Psychotic one-eyed British Army officer wounded 11 times in 3 wars across 3 continents.
Hernan Cortez - Conquistador who conquered the New World's most badass civilization with 600 soldiers.
Baybars - Slave to Sultan, defeated the Mongols, destroyed the Crusaders.
Boudicca - Warrior-queen of the Iceni.
Fat Henry Knox - Commander of the Continental Artillery, first Secretary of War, and original American gangsta.
M. M. Alam - The only man to ever become Ace in a Day from the cockpit of a jet fighter.
Harrison Okene - Nigerian ship's cook survives 60 hours trapped in an air bubble 100 feet below the surface.
Mithridates VI - The Poison King who fought Rome for 40 years and drank poison until he was immune to it.
Harald Wartooth - The Viking King Arthur.
Roald Amundsen - The first man to conquer the South Pole.
Battle off Samar - With the American invasion of the Philippines hanging in the balance, seven daring destroyer captains desperately hurl themselves against the biggest Japanese battleship fleet ever put to sea.
Michiel de Ruyter - Dutch Admiral who commanded ships in 7 wars and once stole the flagship of the English Navy from its home port.
Nancy Wake - The most decorated Allied servicewoman of World War II.
John Keller - The USMC veteran who saved 244 people from the mostly-submerged ruins of post-Katrina New Orleans.
Ivajlo the Cabbage - Illiterate pig farmer defeats the Mongols, marries an Empress, becomes Emperor of Bulgaria.
Clifford Wooldridge - U.S. Marine beats Taliban fighter to death with his own machine gun. Do you need anything more than that?
Bob Crisp - Professional cricket player who smoked Nazis with a tank.
Tycho Brahe - Mad scientist, evil genius, pioneer of astronomy.
Edith Garrud - The militant Suffragette who judo flipped cops.
Roy Benavidez - One of the toughest war heroes in American history.
Galactus - Galactus eats planets.
George Rowe - The only private citizen to ever successfully infiltrate an outlaw motorcycle gang.
The Valentine's Day Massacre - The most romantic thing to ever happen to 1920s-era Gangland Chicago.
Frederick Hobson - Canadian Sergeant takes on an entire company of German soldiers with a shovel and a bayonet.
Oscar Charleston - The greatest and most badass baseball player you've never heard of.
Kennyo Kosa - No-nonsense warrior-monk who led a sect of militant Buddhists against the toughest warlord in Japanese history.
Desmond Doss - Combat medic receives the Medal of Honor for single-handedly carrying 75 wounded men out of a raging warzone.
Violette Morris - Professional race car driver, national champion in 20 sports, Olympic Gold Medal shot put and discus thrower, hated enemy of the French Resistance.
Koxinga - The only pirate to ever be worshipped as a living God.
Robin Olds - Three-time ace and USAF legend who obliterated everything from Nazi Me-109s to MiG-21 jet fighters.
Yuknoom the Great - Hardcore Mayan ruler who built monuments out of the skulls of his enemies and who may have once actually eaten a rival king.
Milunka Savic - The most decorated female soldier in military history.
Shen Jianzhong - Thirty goons show up at the home of a Chinese fitness instructor and try to bully him out of town. They fail.
Lead Belly - The hard-drinking, hard-fighting ex-con who killed two guys and then invented modern music.
Haast's Eagle - A man-sized eagle that was notorious for carrying off Maori women and children and eating them.
Chavin de Huantar - 14 heavily-armed terrorists take 500 of Peru's most senior political leaders hostage, and it's up to Peru's Special Forces to get them out alive.
Basil Plumley - 35-year Army veteran of three wars, decorated 40 times for bravery.
John Nicholson - Victorian British war hero who kept a human head on his desk and hunted tigers with a sword.
Christopher Lee - World War II Commando, master fencer, Dracula.
Murad IV - Iron-fisted ruler of the Ottoman Empire.
Stagecoach Mary - Hard-drinking, hard-fighting Old West mail carrier.
Carl Akeley - Hunter, conservationist, killed a leopard with his bare hands.
Stephen the Little - Ordinary dude tries to impersonate the Tsar of Russia, becomes ruler of Montenegro.
Basil the Bulgar-Slayer - The scourge of Bulgarians.
Jack Pritchard - One of the FDNY's most decorated firefighters.
Jacklyn H. Lucas - Dude jumps on two grenades, falls out of an airplane. Survives.
Neil Armstrong - American hero.
Dahomey Amazons - The only full-time all-female combat arms military unit in modern history.
Saparmurat Niyazov - The most insane dictator you've never heard of.
Casimir Pulaski - Polish rebel who invented American Cavalry and led a Legion of European lancers in the American Revolution.
Cliff Young - "I like to finish what I start doing. I like to see it through to the end, to the best of my ability."
Sir Isaac Brock - Balls-out "Hero of Upper Canada" who captured Detroit during the War of 1812 without losing a single man.
Hawa Abdi - 65 year-old Somali gynecologist who saved thousands of lives and fought off local militias for 30 years.
Tarzan - The original noble savage, and one of literature's most hardcore badasses.
Count Rochefoucauld - WWII French espionage expert who once stole a limo from the Gestapo.
Yue Fei - China's ultra-loyal, ultra-tragic barbarian-quelling warlord.
Candido Rondon - Amazon explorer and hardass Brazilian engineer.
John Paul Stapp - The Fastest Man Alive.
Allan Pinkerton - America's first (and most badass) detective.
Kim Campbell - A-10 pilot who brought her plane home despite insane amounts of damage.
John Hunyadi - The White Knight of Hungary.
Fredegund - The Middle Ages' most bloodthirsty and ruthless queen.
Ignacio Zaragoza - Hero of the Battle of Puebla and the reason why Cinco de Mayo is a holiday.
William Fairbairn - Martial arts badass and Shanghai cop who trained SAS and Marine Raiders in WWII.
Joe Foss - 26-kill WWII fighter ace, former commissioner of the AFL, and one-time president of the NRA.
Iko Uwais - Indonesian action hero and star of one of the most badass movies ever made.
David H. Jarvis - Coast Guard hero crossed 1500 miles through the Arctic in the dead of winter to save 250 stranded sailors.
Krum the Horrible - Bulgar horse lord who made drinking cups out of the skulls of his slain enemies.
Commander Shepard - I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite post on the Internet.
Marie Colvin - Fearless war correspondent who spent a 30-year career embedding herself in every war-torn hellhole on Earth.
Bass Reeves - Runaway slave who became one of most successful lawmen and gunfighters of the American West.
Vernon J. Baker - The only living black WWII soldier to receive the Medal of Honor, this guy personally led an assault on a fortified German castle.
Sekonaia Takavesi - Fijian SAS hero single-handedly held off 200 communists with an anti-tank cannon.
King Naresuan - National hero of Thailand saved his people by fighting a duel on the back of an elephant.
Anthony Omari - Dude saves 37 orphans from a gang of thieves, then survives a machete to the face.
Chris Kyle - The deadliest sniper in American history.
Julie D'Aubigny - French opera singer who killed ten men in duels and once snuck into a convent to bang a nun.
M3 the Wolverine - The Alpha Male of the most insane family of ferocious mammals North America has to offer.
Dakota Meyer - The first Marine since Vietnam to receive the Medal of Honor and live to tell the tale.
Drew Dix - The lone Green Beret who single-handedly saved a South Vietnamese town from the Tet Offensive.
Grutte Pier - When his house was burned down and his family murdered, this seven-foot Dutchman turned pirate and kicked ass with a 35-pound greatsword.
Germanicus - The Roman Empire's most celebrated warrior.
Honda Tadakatsu - Veteran of 100 battles and Tokugawa's most hardcore samurai.
Viktor Leonov - Spetsnaz Naval officer and two-time Hero of the Soviet Union.
Running Eagle - History's only female war chief.
Trấn Hưng Đạo - Vietnamese commander who defeated the Mongols by impaling their fleet on iron stakes.
Sergeant Stubby - Pit bull terrier who saved hundreds of lives in WWI.
Daniel Inouye - WWII Japanese-American killed 25 Germans with one arm.
François l'Olonnais - The cruelest, most despised pirate on the Spanish Main.
Jean-Pierre Hallet - The Most Interesting Man in the World meets Tarzan, in real life.
Doctor Doom - The iron-fisted ruler of Latveria.
Skuld - Ancient Norse necromancer chick who summoned an army of Viking Zombies.
Joe Medicine Crow - The last surviving War Chief of the Crow Tribe.
Tyrannosaurus Rex - A giant carnivorous dinosaur.
Tareg Gazel - A 19 year-old kid who fights snipers in Libya.
Rick Rescorla - A true American hero (from Britain).
Paddy Mayne - Founding member of the SAS and hardcore WWII commando.
Elizabeth Bathory - The Blood Countess of Transylvania, and basis for the Dracula/vampire myth.
Alexander Karelin - Ivan Drago meets Zangief. Only real.
Joshua - Moses' successor brought the Israelites into the land of Canaan and immediately proceeded to depopulate it of all human life in a series of ultra-hardcore wars against rival kings.
Abram A. Heller - USCG rescue swimmer who went head-first into a brutal storm on the Bering Sea and saved 8 men from a deadly shipwreck.
Skanderbeg - Albania's national hero is personally credited with killing over 3,000 men in combat.
Batman - Gotham City's most badass face-punching crime fighter.
Max Hardberger - This guy steals $10 million cargo ships from pirates. Professionally.
Grace O'Malley - The Pirate Queen of Connaught.
Tommy Prince - The most hardcore man in the Devil's Brigade.
Alasdair Mac Colla - Gaelic strongman, Scottish hero, and all-around bastard.
Jan Zizka - The One-Eyed Czech asskicker.
Maurice Richard - One of hockey's all-time toughest men.
Megalodon - The most terrifying thing ever.
Gordon and Shughart - Delta Force snipers who fought a heroic last stand in Mogadishu.
Jacqueline Cochran - The most accomplished female pilot in history.
Toussaint L'Ouverture - The slave who liberated Haiti.
SEAL Team Six - The United States' elite counter-terrorist task force.
Albert Jacka - The most decorated Aussie of World War I.
Cherokee Bill - The toughest, meanest, and most feared outlaw in the Indian Territories.
Genevieve de Galard - The Angel of Dien Bien Phu.
Dipprasad Pun - Gurkha soldier fights off 30 Taliban with a machine gun and grenades.
Dudley Morton - WWII U.S. submarine commander who once destroyed an enemy ship with Molotov cocktails.
Hideaki Akaiwa - Fearless Japanese hero goes into his tsunami-flooded village to save his family.
Joseph Lozito - The New York Subway Hero.
Deadpool - The Merc with a Mouth.
The 21 Sikhs - 21 Sikhs fight a last stand against 10,000 rampaging tribesmen.
Princess Pingyang - 20 year old woman leads an army of peasants against the Emperor of China.
Doris Miller - The ship's cook who manned the .50 cal during Pearl Harbor.
Poseidon - The Greek God of the sea. And vengeance. And also horses, for some reason.
Bishnu Shrestha - One Gurkha fights off 40 train robbers, kills 3, wounds 8.
Myles Standish - Personal enforcer of the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock.
Dick Winters - Hero of Band of Brothers.
Don Alejo Garza Tamez - Mexican rancher who single-handedly fought the entire gang with his stash of automatic weapons.
Khawla bint al-Azwar - Warrior heroine of the Islamic Conquest.
Hongi Hika - Brutal Maori war chief who collected the heads of his defeated enemies.
George Mayow - Second-in-command during the Charge of the Light Brigade.
Gaius Marius - The Second Founder of Rome and all-around Classical asskicker.
Witold Urbanowicz - Daring commander of the Polish 303 Squadron during the Battle of Britain.
Reinhold Messner - The world's greatest mountain climber.
Blas de Lezo - One-armed, one-eyed, one-legged, pirate-hunting Admiral of the Spanish Navy.
Salvatore Giunta - The first living recipient of the Medal of Honor since Vietnam.
Jennifer Musa - The Irish Queen of Balochistan.
Kratos - The Greek God of Strength, as well as the God of Killing All The Other Gods with a Pair of Gigantic Fucking Swords.
T'ai Djin - Shaolin Kung Fu Werewolf Grandmaster.
Lachhiman Gurung - Gurkha soldier who held off 200 Japanese with just one arm.
Samuel Whittemore - 80 year old ex-dragoon who took on an entire British regiment by himself.
Hans-Ulrich Rudel - The most decorated combat pilot ever.
Kim Yushin - Hero of Korea's Three Kingdoms era.
Jonathan R. Davis - A lone gunslinger who took down an entire bandit gang by himself.
Matilda of Canossa - Italian warrior-princess who served as the Pope's personal bodyguard.
Mustafa Kemal Ataturk - The "Father of all Turks", and a man so revered in his homeland that it's illegal to publicly insult him.
Dwight H. Johnson - Vietnam War tanker who got out of his tank to fight off an ambush with his pistol.
Galvarino - When the Spanish cut off his hands, he strapped swords to his stumps and kept fighting.
Shaka Zulu - Merciless warlord who carved out Sub-Sahran Africa's most powerful Empire.
Ned Kelly - Australian bushranger fought a last stand in a homemade suit of plate armor.
Anna Yegorova - WWII Sturmovik pilot and Heroine of the Soviet Union.
Thanos - Possessor of the Infinity Gauntlet and grand ruler of existence.
Saito Musashibo Benkei - Feudal Japanese warrior so tough that not even being dead could bring him down.
Buck Shelford - Rugby player has ball ripped off in first half, comes back and plays the second.
John Basilone - Marine Corps legend and hero of Guadalcanal and Iwo Jima.
Frederick Barbarossa - German ruler who rebuilt and expanded the Holy Roman Empire.
Flora Sandes - The only British woman to serve in combat in WWI.
Yang Youde - Chinese farmer defends his land with homemade rocket launchers.
Wolverine - The prototypical comic book anti-hero.
Leonard A. Funk - U.S. paratrooper who took out 40 Germans in 60 seconds.
Fridtjof Nansen - Arctic explorer, adventurer, scientist, and Nobel Prize winner.
Rani Lakshmibai - Sword-swinging heroine of the 1857 Indian Rebellion against England.
Craig Harrison - British sniper recorded the longest-range kill in history. Twice. In consecutive shots.
Lothar von Arnauld - The most successful submarine commander ever.
Torii Mototada - Commander of the Japanese Alamo.
Leonid Rogozov - Soviet surgeon removed his own appendix in Antarctica.
Hervor - Viking shield-maiden and wielder of the magical sword Tyrfing.
Mas Oyama - Godhand.
Diomedes - Flamethrower-toting epic hero of mythological Greece.
The Honey Badger - The world's most fearless animal.
Juan Pujol Garcia - The most effective double agent of WWII.
Viriathus - Iberian hero who led the resistance against Rome.
Leo Major - One-man Canadian wrecking crew during WWII.
Lydia Litvyak - The highest-scoring female fighter ace ever.
The Winged Hussars - One of the most feared cavalry regiments of all time.
Marcus Luttrell - Lone survivor of one of the bloodiest days in the history of the SEALs.
Toyotomi Hideyoshi - Peasant-turned-samurai unified all of Japan under one ruler.
Ranavalona the Cruel - The Mad Queen of Madagascar.
Alp Arslan - Medieval Turkish Sultan who irrevocably crushed the power of Byzantium.
Frederick von der Trenck - 18th century German adventurer, soldier, and prison escapee.
Tlahuicole - Tough Aztec-fighting warrior who chose duty and honor over his own survival.
Tomyris - Warrior-queen of the Massegetae who defeated the most powerful Emperor of the ancient world.
Charles Upham - The only infantryman to win the Victoria Cross twice.
The Kraken - What has two giant eyes, eight legs, a couple tentacles, and an insatiable thirst for human blood?
Hiromichi Shinohara - The greatest Japanese fighter ace you've never heard of.
Lewis Millett - Veteran of three wars led the last bayonet charge in U.S. history.
Caterina Sforza - Crazy medieval tyrant who subjected her foes to ruthless tortures.
Baldwin IV of Jerusalem - The Leper King of Jerusalem led the charge that destroyed Saladin's invading armies.
Mitchell Paige - One Marine on Guadalcanal takes on 2,500 Japanese and wins.
George Orwell - The man who wrote 1984 once got shot through the neck by a sniper while fighting Fascists in Spain.
Alexander Solzhenitsyn - Russian dissident writer and WWII vet who survived the brutal Gulag system and lived to tell the tale.
Richard Francis Burton - The manliest writer of all time.
Anna Comnena - One of the best and most complete sources of historical documentation during the Byzantine Era came from a woman who wasn't supposed to even know how to read.
Aeschylus - Greek warrior and one of the most famous playwrights of ancient history.
Aki Ra - Aki Ra is a Cambodian guy who disarms land mines with a pocketknife.
Stephen Colbert - I shamelessly plug my book by writing about the TV's most badass talk show host.
Bruce Crandall - Gutsy helicopter pilot repeatedly flew into a hot LZ to save his men.
Darius the Great - Bloody ruler of the powerful Achaemenid Persian Empire.
Rukhsana Kauser - 18 year-old Indian farmgirl takes on six terrorists armed with AK-47s.
Finn McCool - Legendary Irish warrior and world-reknowned asskicker.
Edward Low - The Caribbean's bloodiest and most brutal pirate.
Ryan Cooper - Off-duty firefighter charged into a burning building to save two people.
Marie Curie - Invented the science behind chemotherapy and nuclear warfare.
Zeus - King of the Gods.
Evel Knievel - The crazy daredevil whose insanity has become the stuff of legend.
Juliane Koepcke - 17 year old German girl survives a horrific plane crash and escapes the Amazon rain forest.
Fazal Din - Indian soldier won the VC for killing a Japanese officer with his own sword... after being impaled with it.
Buzz Aldrin - Fighter pilot, astronaut, moonwalker, face-puncher.
Leonardo Da Vinci - Utterly brilliant inventor, scientist, artist, and crazy person.
Amelia Earhart - America's most famous aviatrix.
Kenneth L. Reusser - The most decorated aviator in Marine Corps history.
Piye - The Nubian king who installed himself as Pharaoh.
Blenda - A young Swedish girl slaughters an entire army of marauding Vikings.
Tom Wanyandie - 78 year-old man saves his son from a bear by beating it with a stick.
Albert Johnson - The Mad Trapper of Rat River.
Yagyu Jubei Mitsuyoshi - Wandering samurai/ninja/pirate of Feudal Japan.
Ron Speirs - The cold-blooded Captain of Easy Company.
Isabella of France - The British Queen who deposed and executed the King.
Australian Light Horse - The story of the last great cavalry charge in military history.
Che Guevara - Revolutionary, guerrilla fighter, and bloody executioner -- the man behind the t-shirt.
Hannah Duston - Frontierswoman escapes from her captors by killing them all with an axe.
Ben Nyaumbe - Man battles a giant, thirteen-foot, man-eating python for over three hours.
Paul Rusesabagina - The hero of the Rwandan Genocide saved over a thousand people from crazy machete-toting maniacs.
Alexander Solonik - The Russian outlaw who had epic shooting skills and escaped some of the most remote prisons in the world.
Hayreddin Barbarossa - The peasant who became a pirate, and then became the Grand Admiral of the Turkish Navy.
Seth E. Howard - Green Beret fought off terrorist ambush with a sniper rifle and a rocket launcher.
Mai Bhago - Sikh warrior-saint led a group of deserters to bloody redemption.
St. Moses the Black - The Patron Saint of Asskicking.
Winston Churchill - The greatest British ruler since the days of King Arthur.
Vassilis Paleokostas - The Greek Robin Hood escaped from prison in a helicopter. Twice.
Harriet Tubman - Fearless conductor of the Underground Railroad.
Jason Voorhees - Happy Friday the 13th.
The Titanoboa - A 43 foot-long, 2,500-pound prehistoric kill-snake from Hell.
Grigory Rasputin - Infamous "Mad Monk" of Imperial Russia.
John L. Sullivan - Last of the great bare-knuckle boxers.
Geronimo - Apache warrior fought a twenty-five year war against both the U.S. and Mexico.
Nikola Tesla - King of the mad scientists.
Liver-Eating Johnson - It's not just a clever name.
King David - Poor shepherd killed a giant and became Israel's greatest King.
Cloelia the Hostage - Heroine of the Roman Republic led a group of captive women to freedom.
Smokey Smith - Canadian hero of World War II took on an entire company of Panzers... and won.
Edwin J. Hill - Navy Boatswain saved his ship from destruction during the raid on Pearl Harbor.
Michael Groves - One man fought off a dozen Somali pirates with a fire hose.
Joseph Kittinger - USAF test pilot skydived from lower orbit.
Beowulf - Mythical monster-killing hero pulled a demon's arm off with his bare hands.
Vasily Zaitsev - One of history's most successful and well-known snipers.
Abraham Van Helsing - The original gangsta of vampire hunting.
Hassan ibn al-Sabbah - Founder of the Hashashin, the secret Order of Assassins.
Marcus Cassius Scaeva - The most badass of Julius Caesar's Centurions.
The Duke of Wellington - One of Britain's all-time greatest heroes and the man who put an end to Napoleon's antics.
Zachary Taylor - 40-year military veteran, war hero, and 12th President of the United States.
Jean de Valette - Medieval commander who led 100 Knights Hospitaller in a brave defense against 200,000 Turkish warriors.
Baba Deep Singh - Not even chopping this guy's head off could stop him from avenging his faith.
Jeanne Hachette - Teenage girl who defended her city walls with a hatchet.
Imi Lichtenfeld - Israeli national hero and founder of the badass martial art Krav Maga.
Josey Wales - Joined a band of Confederate guerillas to avenge the murder of his wife and son.
Eric Pianka - Field biologist who specializes in desert reptiles, buffalo, and falconry; and when he's not wrestling deadly animals he's working on his theories on human population control.
Emperor Tiberius Caesar - Way too cool to handle the task of running the Roman Empire, so instead he partied all over the empire, drinking and having orgies the Roman way.
Jesse Owens - Athlete who gave Hitler a run for his dirty Nazi money during the 1936 Olympic Games.
Jomyo Meishu - Buddhist monk who makes John Woo movies look like C-SPAN sessions, and kicked Taira clan ass in the battle of Uji.
Chuck Yeager - World War 2 pilot and the first person to ever break the sound barrier, Chuck tested planes, broke speed records, and trained astronauts for the United States for 3 decades.
Hiroo Onoda - After refusing to believe that the Second World War was over, Hiroo continued to collect intel on Allied troop movement in the Philippines until 1974.
Marvin Heemeyer - After getting dicked up and down by City Hall, Marvin took matters into his own hands and welded together a killdozer (you heard me) to stick it to the man.
Marquis de Lafayette - With a major axe to grind on England's face, Lafayette joined forces with George Washington during the American Revolution to help cock slap the British.
Captain James Macrae - In the face of a dick load of pirates, Macrae fought tooth and nail to keep his crew safe.
Billy Bishop - Bishop kicked German ass in the skies, notching kills left and right, fighting The Red Baron's squad, and living to tell the tale.
Justinian II - Emperor of the Byzantines who was a real dick about taxes and ruthless with his enemies, and even tried to arrest the Pope.
Attila the Hun - His nickname says it all: The Scourge of God.
Sir Edmund Hillary - Climbed Mount Everest AND came back down.
George S. Patton - US general in World War II, and whose actions define what it is to have balls.
Viking at Stamford Bridge - One of the most badass nameless berserkers to ever wield an axe.
Osceola - American Indian who challenged the United States in the age old disagreement between American Indians and white people of the principles of land ownership.
F.A. Mitchell-Hedges - Spent his days being a living version of Indiana Jones, exploring dangerous territory and stealing treasure.
Alexander Selkirk - Stranded on an island for four years and not acting like a little bitch made this guy so awesome Daniel Defoe wrote Robinson Crusoe after him.
Chesty Puller - Rose through the ranks of the Marines from Private to three star General, busting all kinds of balls along the way.
Jason Bourne - So good at his job that even amnesia couldn't take him down.
Adnan bin Saidi - Staved the Japanese military off for two days with not much more than bayonets, brute force, and balls.
Alvin York - Single-handedly killed 28 German soldiers and captured 132 more in a single day, no big deal.
Chief Lapu-Lapu - Bitch-slapped Magellan for trying to edge in on his turf, and asserted Filipinos as motherfuckers not to be trifled with.
MacGyver - The spy who can make bitchin escape tools out of virtually nothing (and a little duct tape).
Benjamin O. Davis, Jr. - Flipped a large middle finger to segregation and became the first African-American general of the United States Air Force.
John Barclay Armstrong - The Texas Ranger that all old west outlaws feared.
Agustina de Aragón - Known as "The Spanish Joan of Arc", this lady helped keep the French from occupying Saragossa during the Napoleonic Age.
Thor Heyerdahl - Built ships out of seriously outdated materials to give the archaeological community something to scratch their heads at, and just for funsies.
Voytek the Soldier Bear - It's a bear that was a soldier. There is no other comparison to how cool that is.
Yogender Singh Yadav - Scaled a mountain to save his country in the amount of time it takes Chuck Norris to take a shit.
John Henry - The Steel-Driving man, and the American working-class hero.
Godzilla - The product of nuclear detonations in Japan, this fuck of a monster uses Tokyo as his playground. Literallly.
William Wallace - The pioneer of the quest for Scottish independence, Wallace whipped out his six foot claymore and equivalently sized dick to fight the English.
Elliot Stabler - The fictional cop that every real cop should look up to.
Hanzo Hattori - The father of all ninjas.
Xie Jinyuan - No nonsense officer during the Battle of Shanghai who didn't take shit from anyone. Especially the Japanese.
William Travis - Fought alongside other badasses like Davy Crockett and James Bowie in the Battle of the Alamo. They were all disappointed to find out that there is no basement in the Alamo.
Makoto Nagano - This guy is proof that ninjas still exist.
Roland - One of the few people who make the French look awesome.
Wolf the Quarrelsome - Slaughtered away the Vikings to free Ireland from any Viking dominion.
Joe Simpson - When climbing mountains wasn't enough, this motherfucker started climbing ice. ICE.
Erwin Rommel - The Desert Fox - Hitler's most dangerous (and gentlemanly) commander.
Yi Soon Shin - Kickass Korean admiral and major thorn in Japan's balls during the 16th century.
El Cid Campeador - Spanish military commander who busted serious heads in Spain during the 11th century.
Hector of Troy - Trojan prince with a fight resume that would make you piss yourself.
Toshiro Mifune - Used his talent to create the standard image of Samurai to the modern world.
Ahmad Shah Massoud - The best thing that ever happened to Afghanistan.
Jack McCoy - He will cut your shit down, with justice.
Michael Wittmann - The top-scoring tank ace of all time.
Anne Bonny - A pirate with breasts. And balls.
Pancho Villa - Tried to take the corrupt rulers out of Mexico. At least he tried.
Indiana Jones - The most badass archaeologist to ever throw a Nazi into an airplane propeller.
Bear Grylls - Has more adventure in his left nut than you have in your entire body. And he drinks his own piss.
Thain MacDowell - One of the bravest Canadian badasses in World War I. Proving that the Canadians weren't nice all the time.
Jean Danjou - Commander of the French Foreign Legion so badass the nation of France leads an annual parade with his fake hand.
The Predator - Your worst extraterrestrial nightmare.
Lyudmila Pavlichenko - Female Russian sniper with a dickload of confirmed kills.
Sir Francis Drake - Took down the Spanish Armada with nothing but ambition and a bunch of ships he set on fire.
Arthur Du Mosch - Pinned a leopard to the ground with his bare hands.
James T. Kirk - Captain on the Starship Enterprise, and made the Judo Chop what it is today.
Spartacus - Became a HUGE pain in the ass to the Romans after they fucked him over, lead a massive slave rebellion.
The Punisher - Has no compunction about fucking your shit up after his wife and kid were murdered.
The A-10 Warthog - Pants-shitting awesome asplode machine.
Joan of Arc - The French Joan of Arc.
Conan of Cimmeria - An adventurer who makes sleeping with babes in the middle of a battle look like a rare art form.
Snake Eyes - A GI Joe so awesome they had to put testicles on the action figure.
Akbar the Great - Indian emperor who un-fucked a lot of India.
Juan Pajota - Filipino guerilla fighter who freed a shit load of American POW's from a Japanese camp.
Jose M. Lopez - Single-handedly killed a dickload of Germans with a machine gun during WWII.
John Paul Jones - The most balls-out naval commander in American history.
Cincinnatus - Fixed Rome up real good, and in 16 days flat.
Ben Thompson - Gunslinger who at one point or another held every badass occupation in the Old West.
Samson - One of the few people in the Bible who got legitimate superpowers.
Dan Daly - One of only two people to receive the medal of honor twice.
Andrew Jackson - United States President who didn't mind an occasional bullet to the chest, and would shoot your shit down if you looked at him wrong.
Jack Churchill - The kind of ballsy WWII soldier who never went into battle without a sword.
Odysseus - The Trojan war wasn't even enough of an adventure for this guy.
Leigh Ann Hester - American MP who was the first woman to earn a silver star since WWII.
Wesley Autrey - Saved a film student from a moving subway train by jumping onto the tracks.
Beck Weathers - Almost died scaling Mount Everest, but ended up walking down the mountain, in the dark, with frostbite in nearly every single appendage.
Eric Nerhus - Eaten by a shark and survived. By a SHARK.
Cuchulainn - The Irish Chuck Norris.
The Sateré Mawé - Keepers of the Bullet Ants, which is exactly what it sounds like.
John Wayne - The quintessential American.
Giuseppe Garibaldi - Didn't matter what country he was in, he wanted some freedom goddamnit.
Eddie Chapman - Ex-criminal that provided priceless information to the British during WWII.
Rama - The Hindu God of saving princess from gigantic fucking demons.
Audie Murphy - The most decorated soldier in American history.
Ching Shih - A female pirate in charge of a fleet so powerful it kicked the shit out of the Chinese Imperial Navy.
David Bleak - Combat medic who took down the enemy with his bare hands in order to save his buddies.
The Headless Horseman - Headless. Horseman. Christopher. Motherfucking. Walken.
Simo Häyhä - More confirmed kills than anyone else in any other war. Just sayin'.
Caesar Augustus - Used democracy to make himself Roman Emperor.
The Baroness - Female criminal mastermind, bane to GI Joes.
Zvika Greengold - Fought for Israel in the Yom Kippur War, and helped stave off the Syrians with seemingly no regard for personal safety, and with a giant set of balls.
Ali ibn Abi Talib - The first male convert to Islam and one of Mohammad's most powerful and revered warriors.
Susan Kuhnhausen - Even a hitman with a claw hammer couldn't shake this woman's focus.
The B-2 Bomber - The mother of all American bomber planes.
Steve Irwin - Craziest, coolest man to ever willingly shove his hand into a crocodile's danger zone.
Larcena Pennington - This chick made the Oregon Trail her bitch.
Race Bannon - Bold enough to bodyguard Johnny Quest. Strong enough to pistol-whip bears to death.
Crazy Horse - Fought bravely in the Battle of Little Big Horn for the land rights of his people.
Australia - The most badass continent on Earth, this place has fucking trees that can kill you.
The Asiatic Honey Bee - Psychotic little bees that kill gigantic evil wasps with no problem.
Segata Sanshiro - The ultimate martial arts / video game master.
Zinedine Zidane - This guy's sense of revenge was so well-developed that he got tossed from the most important game of his life for headbutting his enemy out of spite.
Lennie Briscoe - This man has probably solved more homicides than the entire real-life NYPD combined.
Perseus - The mythological uber-hero who slew the Medusa, rode Pegasus, and saved the hot naked babe from a sea monster.
Toby Wong - Genetically-engineered super-soldier and hero of the vastly-underappreciated martial arts movie Drive.
Ramses II - The greatest and most powerful of Egypt's mighty Pharaohs.
Charun - The Etruscan God of beating people in the face with a hammer.
The Killer Rabbit - That's no ordinary bunny.
Teddy Roosevelt - Adventurer, explorer, soldier, American President, Medal of Honor recipient, and Nobel Peace Prize winner.
The S&W 500 Magnum - The biggest fuck-off handgun ever produced.
St. Michael the Archangel - The Patron Saint of soldiers, cops, and shanking Satan in the face with an icepick.
Jules Winnfield - Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction. Nuff said?
Ellen Ripley - The most kickass chick to ever fry a horde of aliens with a blowtorch.
Henry Morgan - The pirate who became an Admiral.
Simon Bolivar - The dude who liberated pretty much every friggin' country in South America.
The Emperor - The cruelest, most sinister supervillain in outer space, this dude shoots lightning out of his balls and kind of looks like the Pope.
General Zod - Kneel before Zod!
Inigo Montoya - My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Warren G.H. Crecy - The baddest man in the 761st Tank Battalion, this guy was a Nazicidal maniac who mowed through the enemy and forgot about taking names.
John Carter of Mars - The original gangsta of kicking the shit out of aliens and macking on hot space babes.
Molly the Cow - The insane cow that went on a wild rampage to avoid getting shipped to the slaughterhouse.
Qin Shi Huangdi - The man who unified China, became the First Emperor, and set up an Imperial system that would last for two millenia.
Mick Foley - A no-holds-barred wrestler who never hesitated to jump off a cage and face-plant some thumbtacks as long as it made for good television.
The Bride - A one-woman wrecking crew of limb-severing violence.
Mariusz Pudzianowski - The strongest man in the world. No question.
Ernest Henry Shackleton - Probably the most insane Antarctic explorer in history.
John McClane - The ultimate action movie hero.
Hugh Glass - Killed a grizzly with his bare hands (hahaha puns FTW), then traveled 200 miles after being left for dead by his buddies.
Babur - Founder of the Mughal Empire and one of the toughest Central Asian warlords in history.
Charles XII of Sweden - Immune to pain and defeat, this guy single-handedly made Sweden a national power, then made sure that when he went down the entire country went down in flames with him.
Rupert Murdoch - The closest thing to a James Bond villain that the real world has to offer.
Ron Woods - When some dude tried to jack his car, Ron fought him off with nothing more than a cell phone and a cup of coffee.
Moby-Dick - A gigantic evil Sperm Whale that crushes ships by ramming them with his face.
Maddox the Pirate - The best pirate in the universe.
Eugene Jacques Bullard - History's first black combat pilot, and aviation hero of WWI.
The Four Horsemen - The four beings charged with annihilating the Earth.
The 300 Spartans - The famous last stand of King Leonidas and his 300 badasses.
Arminius - The berserking German who dealt Rome it's greatest and most total defeat.
Zydrunas Savickas - The real-life embodiment of the Incredible Hulk. Only this guy's Lithuanian.
Dirk J. Vlug - This dude took out an entire squadron of Japanese tanks, on foot, while carrying nothing more than a bazooka and four rounds of ammunition.
Kefka - A psychotic evil clown who becomes Emperor of the World and then turns himself into a God.
The Panther Tank - One of the most effective and powerful tanks ever produced.
Han Solo - The badass gunslinger from a galaxy far, far away.
Muhammad Ali - The greatest.
Starship Troopers - The worst/best movie ever.
Daniel M'Mburugu - 73 year-old dude kills a wild leopard by punching it in the mouth and pulling it's tongue out of its head.
Saladin - Scourge of the Crusaders and the greatest Muslim military commander since Mohammad.
Aron Ralston - Amputated his own arm with a pocketknife in order to survive after a horrific canyoneering accident pinned him on a canyon floor.
Jackie Chan - One of the biggest icons in the history of martial arts cinema.
John Matrix - After terrorists kidnapped Alissa Milano, Arnold had to blow their heads off with a rocket launcher.
Ash - Good, bad, he's the guy with the gun. And the chainsaw arm.
The Blues Brothers - These guys are pretty much the coolest motherfuckers ever.
Hannibal - One of the greatest military minds in history, Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants and then crushed the Romans on their own turf.
Alcibiades - The sex-crazed alcoholic naval commander who helped Athens gain advantage in the Peloponnesian War, then flipped sides and won the war for Sparta.
Stanislav Petrov - The man who single-handedly saved the planet from annihilation by disobeying a direct order to launch nuclear warheads at the United States.
The Black Death - The pandemic that killed more people than every war in history combined.
Lu Bu - The most feared blood-raging berserker warrior of Three Kingdoms China.
Doc Holliday - The infamous half-insane, alcoholic, gunfighting dentist.
Ivan Drago - The genetically-engineered Soviet super-athlete.
Sarah Connor - The toughest, most no-nonsense asskicking female action hero of all time.
Al Capone - America's most notorious bootlegger, and a hardcore Sicilian gangster who would just as soon machine gun you into gibs than piss on your burning corpse.
Optimus Prime - A giant alien robot that transforms into a Mack Truck.
Tamerlane - The successor of Genghis Khan, this guy conquered half of Asia, pillaged India, and brought the Ottoman Sultan back to his palace in chains.
Samuel Toloza - When a unit of Iraqi troops tried to drag one of his comrades off, this dude freaked out and stabbed them all with a pocketknife until they ran for it.
The Aggro Crag - The confetti-spewing death mountain that makes all other mountains look like flaccid micropenises.
The Hanta Virus - First you get a minor cold. Then you get better. Then you die.
The Damnatio Memoria - He does not exist. He never existed.
Sho'Nuff - The Shogun of Harlem, and the baddest mo-fo, low-down, around this town.
This Huge-Ass Beetle - What the fuck is this goddamned thing pls send help immediately wtf
Watermelon Monster - It's a cannonball with teeth that does kung fu and tries to bite peoples' nutsacks off. Seriously.
Brian R. Chontosh - This guy single-handedly wiped out an entire company of Iraqi infantry by kicking the shit out of them and then killing them with their own guns.
The BFG 9000 - When you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucker in the room.
Darth Vader - It's Darth Vader. If you don't at least have some vague idea of who that is, you're probably in the wrong place.