Maddox the Pirate

According to legend, the enigmatic Maddox is a seven foot tall, totally ripped eyepatch-wearing pirate who lives in the wilderness of Utah in a log cabin made entirely out of trees he chopped down with his boner.  He has been known to sail the high seas of The Great Salt Lake, searching for unsuspecting mariners, wayward Mormons and Spanish galleons to plunder, sack, pillage and ultimately devour.  When he's not terrorizing the open waters he spends much of his time roaming the highways and byways of his home state chewing a softball-sized cud of beef jerky, punching horses in the face and using small children as projectile weapons with which to slaughter old people.

On top of being the most notorious pirate of the 21st century, Maddox is also enviable for the fact that he owns and operates the most popular, the most widely read, and (dare I say it) The Best Page In The Universe.  Using only word-of-mouth advertising he's built an empire consisting of millions of loyal fans who cling to his every word, essentially making him what every internet humorist aspires to become from the first time they post an article on their website about how much "Rush Limbaugh sucks balls" or whatever.  He was the first and the best at what he does, and for that reason he casts an enormous Che Guevara-sized shadow over the entire realm of internet-based self-aggrandizing political and social satire, down to the point where he may as well have trademarked oversized light-colored text on black background and the phrase "I rule".  Despite all of his successes, he still shoulders all bandwidth and hosting costs himself without throwing ads in your face or forcing you to pay for any of the content on his site, which is especially admirable now that I have some sort of idea how much that type of shit costs.  Honestly, nobody that has come after him can claim that they haven't been influenced by his success and his presence, and nobody may ever be as successful at single-handedly creating a world-wide internet phenomenon as he has been.

And that might just be even more badass than being a face-kicking, head-butting, blood-thirsty pirate with a hook for an arm, a peg leg and a bad attitude.