The Badass of the Week.

Moby Dick




Moby Dick was a 80-ton, hate-filled, murderous embodiment of God's Wrath.

Moby Dick got hit with harpoons and lances all the time, but he didn't even care.  All he wanted to do was to attack whalers, sink the ships and then eat all the seamen.  Moby Dick sank about a million boats, one of which carried Captain Ahab.  At that point Moby Dick ferociously tore off Ahab's leg, but stopped short of killing him, because Moby Dick preferred it when he left his vicitims maimed husks of their former selves.  Many a time a sailor would meet another that had been torn limb from limb by Moby Dick.  "The White Whale swam before them as the monomaniac incarnation of all those malicious agencies which some deep men feel eating in them, till they are left living on with half a heart and half a lung."

Moby Dick was a huge albino sperm whale.  Sperm whales usually like to swim to the bottom of the ocean to eat giant squid (the second most evil animals on earth, after the sperm whale;  see Cthulu literature for more information).  However, after encounters with whaling ships, sperm whales are often overcome by an unquenchable bloodlust that causes them to sustain themselves on a diet of New England whaling ships, broken oars and the bodily fluid of sailors.

Moby Dick was modeled after Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Khan.  This is the story of a hero, Khan, a genetically modified super-man who was cruelly left on a dying planet by the evil Admiral Kirk.  When he finally escaped from his exile, he swore vengeance against kirk, as Captain Ahab did against Moby Dick.  Khan was played by Riccardo Montalban, who showed off his huge rubbery chest for the role.




Khan: I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the
Antares Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up.



Eventually, as the story of Moby Dick goes, Ahab and the crew of the Pequod catch up to Moby Dick who at the time was taking a break in the South Pacific.  He had just eaten the children of another sea captain, when he was spotted.  Ahab and the guys went after him, but no amount of harpoons or lances could stop Moby Dick.  He just kept smacking them with his tail and eating them.  Finally, Ahab climbed on Moby Dick's back and began to stab and stab and stab, declaring, "From hell's heart I stab at thee;  for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.  Ye damned whale."  Dispite losing a fountain of blood, Moby Dick was like, "Sorry, sucker."  Then he cruely drowned Ahab, ate the rest of the crew, sunk their boat, and left one guy alive, floating on a coffin.  He wanted that guy to go back and pass on his story, so that everyone would know what they were in for if they fuck with Moby Dick.

Moby Dick was an unstoppable killing machine, a scary evil beast.  If God was a fish, believe me, he'd be a whale.







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