The Badass of the Week.

Molly the Cow

Every once in a while, cows are awesome.

Molly the Cow was just chilling out one day at the old meat-packing slaughterhouse plant in Montana when all of a sudden it dawned on her that she was about to get shot in the head, cut into tiny pieces, shipped to various locations throughout the world and then ultimately be eaten by people.  Well this sort of shit wasn't going to fly with Molly, so she decided it would be in her best interests of self-preservation to get the fuck out of dodge while she still could and dramatically reduce her chances of becoming a deliciously greasy Quarter Pounder with Cheese.  So she waited until nobody was looking one morning, hurdled the fence to her pen and started wandering around the town of Great Falls.

It's hard to go unnoticed when you're a freaking 1,200 pound bovine, so eventually people called the cops saying that there was this crazy-ass heifer wandering around town.  Well the cops showed up and set up a trap to corner Molly, but this only succeeded in pissing her off.  The cow busted through a fence, almost got moked the fuck out by an SUV and then the chase was on.

The cops chased the cow through the streets, where it almost got hit by a semi, to a set of train tracks.  The 5-0 thought they had her, but Molly ran right in front of an oncoming train Jason Bourne-style, further evading her would-be captors.  So the cops kept chasing her around, cornering her with her back to the Missouri River.  With no avenue of escape, she freaking jumped into the river and started drifting upstream.

The freaking cops were like, "well that cow's fucked now", when all of a sudden Molly hit upon a midstream sandbar and safely walked out of the water.

So the cops, animal control, the National Guard, the SWAT team and SEAL Team 5 were called out to catch this motherfucking crazy ass cow, but even though they capped it with three tranquilizer darts Molly was like, "screw you assholes, you're not going to eat me", and just kept knocking over fences, kicking cops in the nuts and being awesome.  When she hit a fence she couldn't break through, she just knocked over some police officers and kept running away.

SIX HOURS after she escaped, she was finally just like, "well, fuck it", and calmly walked into a trailer that the slaughterhouse guys set up for her.  She returned to the factory but after such an overwhelming display of bovine badassery the plant employees decided that she was too awesome to suffer the ignominy of human consumption, and they all agreed to let her chill out and spend the rest of her days grazing on the farmland surrounding the abertoirre.

Molly kicks ass.  Not only is she better at eluding the fuzz than most bank robbers and convicted murderers, but she's also not afraid to be totally balls-out and do Xtreme shit like leap infront of trains or jump into rivers and she's not the kind of pussy cow that's going to go down like a sack of anvils the second you peg her in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.  You'd have to look pretty hard to find an animal as badass as Molly the Cow.


Boston Globe Article

The Story of Molly B.


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