Perseus

Once upon a time there was a place called Greece.  Maybe you've heard of it.  One of the many kingdoms located in Greece was known as Argos, and it's King was a total dickcheese.  He and his wife had a daughter, but everyone knows that back in ancient times if you were the King and you couldn't father any babies with penises, then you were a miserable failure and were not successful in the task of being a real man.  Such was the case with King Acrisius of Argos.  So he visited the esteemed Oracle of Delphi and asked her what the deal was.  The Oracle was like, "listen up King Idiot, not only are you not going to have a son, but your daughter is going to have a kid and he's going to grow up and kill you.  So choke on that, you bitch!"  Then the Oracle headbutted the King until he was unconscious.

The King woke up a few hours later face-down in a ditch and was like, "oh snap I better make sure my slut daughter doesn't have any damn kids!", which is pretty much how most fathers are these days.  However, the King took it to the Xtreme and had is daughter locked up in a tower Rapunzel-style.  Well if you know anything about ancient myth or history, you know that the Oracle at Delphi is never wrong, and nothing you can do will override the prophecy.  This was no exception.

Since Zeus was a Ron Jeremy-esque man-whore back in the day, he decided he was going to try and get "in there" with the King's daughter.  He took the form of a shower of gold and impregnated the princess.  Personally this sounds like bullshit to me because everyone knows you can't get pregnant from a golden shower, but whatever.  However it happened, she popped out a boy and named him Perseus.

Since it's never a good idea to have the son of a God whacked, the jackass King decides it's far more humane to lock his daughter and infant grandson in a giant pine box and chuck it into the Aegean Sea.  The box floats around for a while, until one day it's picked up by a fisherman who just so happens to be the brother of the King of the island of Seriphos.  He takes the Princess and her son in and they all chill out at his pad and eat some sea bass or trout or mackerel or something.

Eventually King Polydectes of Seriphos meets the Princess and decides he's going to try to do her.  However, Perseus is like, "Hey, King Poly-dick-cheese, lay off my mom your I'll bust you in the motherfucking mouth, OK?"  Polydectes quickly decides he needs to get Perseus up off his bozack if he ever wants to score with the princess, so he gives Perseus a freaking ridiculous quest from which he will never return - he orders him to go get the head of the hideous Gorgon monster Medusa, a foul creature who's gaze turns any living creature to stone, and bring it back to Seriphos.

Perseus is like "whatever, chump" and heads out to get the head of the Medusa.  Unfortunately, after a couple days wandering around in the wilderness like The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin he realizes that he has no fucking clue how to find the Medusa, let alone kill it.  He gets super pissed and crushes a soda can on his forehead.  Athena, the most badass of all the Greek gods, then decides to swoop in and help out Perseus because she's just good like that.  She tells him that he needs to seek out the Gorgon's sisters - a group of three old hags with only one eye and one tooth between them, which they just pass around like those weird dancing muppets in Labyrinth.  She also hooks him up with heir reflective mirrored shield, a pimp-ass adamantium sickle with a skull-and-crossbones embossed on it and a pair of "Air Hermes"-brand winged shoes.

Perseus meets up with the three one-eyed bitches and is like, "gimme some cool shit and how the fuck do I get to the Gorgon's Lair", but the hags of course just tell him to go hump a donkey.  Perseus gets fed up with their crap, steals their eye, and threatens to eat it if they don't tell him where this Medusa chick is hiding.  They agree, and before he leaves they give him a Helm of Invisibility +4 and two handfuls of homemade curly fries because he's so awesome.

Finally Perseus arrives at the Medusa's lair, which is completely surrounded by a forest of stone men and animals that have all been petrified by the Gorgon's gaze.  He pushes on, using the mirror on his shield to avoid looking directly at anything that could make him hard, until he reaches the inner sanctum of the Gorgons.  He finds Medusa and her two Gorgon sisters all asleep, and so he nobly sneaks in and kills the Medusa before she can wake up.  When she dies, a fucking crazy-ass winged Pegasus horse flies out of her body cavity, which of course wakes up all of her friends.  Perseus barely has time to yell "shiiiiiiiiit!" before popping on his helmet, becoming invisible Frodo-style, and running away like a little bitch.  To his credit, the other two Gorgons are impervious to conventional weapons, so sometimes it's true what they say about cowardice being the better part of valor when you have absolutely no fucking chance of killing your enemies.

Perseus chucks the Medusa's head into his gym bag and starts flying home on his new Pegasus.  He's not flying long though before he sees something that most commuters don't see on a day-to-day basis:  a hot naked babe chained to a rock.  Being the selfless hero that he is, Perseus decides to scope out the situation.  He swoops down, exclaiming, "O virgin, undeserving of those chains, but rather of such as bind fond lovers together, tell me, I beseech you, your name, and the name of your country, and why you are thus bound.", which is essentially "hero talk" for "what the hell is going on here?"