The Badass of the Week.

The Killer Rabbit

"Follow.  But.  Follow only if ye be men of valour,
for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul,
so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. 
Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair.  So, brave knights,
if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further,
for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth."


With these terrifying words, the fabled master wizard Tim the Enchanter warned King Arthur and his men of the dangers that were destined to lay before them in their continuing quest for the Holy Grail, and not the stupid crazy Holy Grail from that Da Vinci Code crap but the real actual cup Grail.

Arthur and his men stifled their fears and strengthened their resolve and they journeyed with The Enchanter to the Cave of Caerbannorg, the unholy lair this allegedly pointy-toothed monster.  As they neared the mouth of the uncharted cavern, they paused to examine their surroundings and take in their unfamiliar surroundings.  The entrance to the cave was strewn about with the bones of soldiers and knights who had battled this creature and paid the ultimate price.  As uncertaintly gripped their hearts, Arthur's brave men strained their eyes in an effort to catch a glimpse of the deadly fiend they would soon be engaged in a bloody battle against.





The beast appeared.  Unfazed by this creature's seemingly timid and unimpressive appearance, despite Tim's insistent warnings of, "That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!  He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about.  Look at the bones!", one of Arthur's brave knights confidently strode forward to meet this foul monster on the field of battle.




Jesus Christ!

The badassery of this "vorpal bunny" had been gravely underestimated.  Now it could certainly no longer be denied, as the valiant Sir Bors was slain in nearly the blink of an eye.  Arthur and his courageous knights charged forth from their vantage point and rushed the monster with swords drawn and shields at the ready.  Their armor clanked as they waded into battle with this creature that had so efficiently and quickly felled their comrade in a single toothy Sutherlundian leap.  The monster cooly turned to face the oncoming company of knights.  It did not show a second of hesitation or a hint of fear as it leapt swiftly towards its next opponent.  The battle was on.





In a flash of white teeth and fur the monster darted about, felling knight after knight.  Arthur's men, the ablest and most well-trained knights in all of England, fell beneath the insufferable onslaught of this monster.  Heads became detached from bodies.  Limbs were severed.  Brave men were slain.




Run away!  Run away!

Arthur and his knights bravely attempted to battle the beast, but it was too fleet to be stuck with a sword.  Seeing the futility of their repeated attacks, Arthur ordered his men to fall back and yield the field to the bloodthirsty creature who had slain so many of his men.  This was a badass opponent indeed.  It was too fast to avoid, and too powerful to kill.  No man could defeat this fiend in single combat.  Drastic measures would be required to defeat this foul thing and continue the quest for the Grail.





King Arthur ordered the holiest of weapons be brought forth, and from a distance the creature was destroyed by the godly power of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.  For this creature, this fearless, relentless fiend, could not be bested in hand-to-hand combat by any man on Earth.  It was far too badass to be destroyed by anything other than a weapon wrought by God Himself.

Thus the killer rabbit was destroyed.  He had been responsible for the deaths of countless warriors and adventurers, and will long be remembered as one of the most evil, most ruthless beasts to have ever walked the land.







Main

The Complete List

About the Author

Miscellaneous Articles

RSS