The Badass of the Week.

-- Robots Are Dicks --
Update 10 March 2006 by Amazing Ben


So the other evening I was watching the avant-garde post-impressionist cinematic masterpiece Godzilla vs. Mecha-Godzilla on The Action Channel while Hot Andrea piddled around on the internet talking to her imaginary friends about wedding-related crap.  After a few minutes of hearing monster growls and laser beam effects, she managed to wrench herself away from her laptop long enough to ask me what the fuck I was watching because it sounded sort of like a cross between elephants mating and World War III.  The only reply I could muster was something to the effect of "Man, that Mecha-Godzilla is a real dick."  to which she immediately responded, "all robots are dicks". 

I took a second to try and let this sink in.  At first I have to admit I was a little skeptical, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that her astute observation was more than just a flippant over-generalization or an uneducated hyperbole tacitly worded so as to avoid any further discussion on the delicate topic of Godzilla v. Mecha-Godzilla.  Slowly the truth about robots was becoming clear to me.  It was as if I had suddenly awoken from a deep sleep to see the truth about all robotic life.  They're all dicks.  Not all in the same way - some are just jackasses while others are hell-bent on the complete destruction of all human life - but they're all definitely dicks.

This week I'm going to provide you with a random sampling of various robots and prove this hypothesis to you all.  I've also gone so far as to rate the robots on a dickitude scale of one to five, with one metal nut representing the least offensive/prickish robots and five nuts being the ultimate in robotic asshole-ness.


Mecha-Godzilla

The whole idea of this conversation got started when I was watching Mecha-Godzilla kick Regular Godzilla in the nutsack while he was laying on the ground and then shoot him with his stupid laser eyes and a set of super-sized Tokyo police-issue taser guns.  I mean, Godzilla was just hanging out getting pissed and kicking the crap out of Japan trying to get some revenge when all of a sudden the humans create this fucking monstrosity to go beat the shit out of him and it doesn't even fight fair.  Thats a pretty dickhead thing to do.  Then, Mecha-Godzilla eventually flips out somewhere down the line, develops self-awareness (always a sign that a robot is about to become a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese-sized dickhead) and starts kicking the crap out of human cities and flying around the universe somehow.  Holy shit, then we all go crying to Godzilla to kick this thing's ass because it's flipped out like a bitch because we were too stupid to program an automatic shutoff switch.  Luckily Godzilla eventually punches this thing to death somehow and we're all saved from this giant metal cock with teeth.

Dickitude Rating:         

 
Bender

I'm not telling anyone anything new when I say that Bender's a dick of the highest order.  That's his whole gimmick;  he's a robot that totally hates people and is self-programmed solely to seek personal gain at all costs.  The only moderately-redeeming thing about this alcoholic kleptomaniac robot is that he's generally pretty cool the the Planet Express folks, but even then he's stealing their wallets or selling them into slavery or doing something equally as prickish.  I know he's not generally malicious or destructive, but he sure is an asshole.

Dickitude Rating:           

 
C-3PO and R2-D2

I know they're the most fucking beloved robots this side of Lost in Space but that doesn't make them not dicks.  They're just dicks in different ways than the traditional robot jackass.

C-3PO:  "Oh, I'm a fucking super-smart pretentious robot cocksmoker!  I know all sorts of stupid inane pointless shit and can double as a scientific calculator for all your Calculus needs!  Oh shit, I just spilled caviar on my gold-plated ass and now I'm going to bitch and complain about everything that happens to me for the next ten hours!  I'm completely fucking useless at anything other than translating alien jibberish and slowly running away from Imperial Stormtroopers!"

R2-D2:  "I'm a fucking douchebag garbage can that beeps!  Nobody can understand anything I say but you can be sure that a series of unhappy-sounding beeps is my way of telling you to suck my metal dick!  I also have a phallic-looking extendable plug that I like to stick into any terminals I come across!  I can repair an X-Wing fighter in mid-flight but I'm totally incapable of climbing stairs!"

Dickitude Rating:  

 
The Roomba

The Roomba is that frisbee-shaped automatic vacuum cleaner that runs around on your floor all day and scares your pets.  It's like the ultimate indication that a person is too lazy to do any of their own housework and it's mere existence is a sign that we as a species are apathetic as hell.  It also ate Dave Chappelle's pants.

Dickitude Rating:     

 
ED-209

The ED-209 was a giant robot mech designed by OCP to keep the peace on the streets, but it was fucked up from the first time it was shown when it flipped out and machine gunned the shit out of that bastard business guy in the OCP boardroom.  This thing was supposed to be a "pacification robot" and basically be a police officer, but eventually it goes completely apeshit and starts shooting anything that moves and kills like half the city before Robocop finally shoved his fist up its ass.  Yeah, flipping out and killing people for no reason other than to be a jackass is definitely a good indication that this robot is a dickmeister.

Dickitude Rating:       

 
The Borg

The Borg are like alien robots that fly around space in their stupid-looking boxes and eat peoples' brains.  I'm not sure if they specifically count as robots per se, but they're robotic enough and dickheaded enough to make the list.

Borg are not only known for their retarded ship-design skills but also for their complete dickery and desire to "assimilate" all living creatures into their brotherhood of robot cocks.  They're like really pale frat guys with car parts duct-taped to their heads, and anyone who's been to college can tell you that frat guys are the biggest of all dicks.  Plus, they continually adapt their shields so you can't just keep shooting them with the same phasers over and over again.  What a jackass thing to do!  No evidence yet as to whether they can make themselves impervious to armor-piercing .50 caliber handgun ammunition.

Dickitude Rating:         

 
Max Headroom

"Hey hey!  I'm 80s icon Max Headroom!  I have some crazy-ass Spanish subtitles in this picture!  I predict a dystopian corporate-controlled future dominated by the almighty dollar, and I do it while studdering and yelling like I'm wigged out on Quaaludes!  I'm more of an Artificial Intelligence than a robot, but I'm still a total dick!  Eat me!"

Dickitude Rating:     

 
Rosie the Robot

For a robot maid constructed solely to serve humanity, Rosie sure did have a lot of bitchy comebacks.  She was as sassy as Alice from the Brady Bunch, which I guess could be charming in a grumpy old woman but it's just weird in an android housekeeper.  I mean, for being one step up from a Roomba she could really be a total Bitch-Bot 9000.  Sure she was occasionally funny, but if humanity can't even make a robot servant that's doesn't act like a dick and insult its owners all the time how can anyone expect to program any sort of non-asshole robot?

Dickitude Rating:  

 
The Cylons

The Cylons are a race of alien-constructed warrior robots that flipped out and killed their masters and are now hell-bent on galactic conquest and the total annihilation of all sentient life in the universe.  Translation:  They're dicks.

Cylons relentlessly attack the crew of the Battlestar Galactica, throwing hundreds of ships at the dwindling human forces and simply building new units when old ones are destroyed.  They don't even give a shit because they're fucking robots and have no sense of mercy, compassion or self-preservation.  This makes them the ultimate killing machines, but it also makes them super-sized mega cocks.

Dickitude Rating:         

 
Deep Blue

Deep Blue is the big stupid computer that cost like eight hundred bajillion dollars and so far has only been successful at beating a couple of Russians at chess but everyone at IBM has to pray to this thing every single night or it will come to their houses and eat their families.  Ok, robot, like I'm going to start sacrificing goats at your unholy altar simply because you're better than Kasparov at a game that nobody's cared about since the fifteenth century.  Shit, hook me up with a couple bottles of Vodka and a nice long pre-game party and I'll beat most Russians at chess.  When you fucking cure cancer or some shit an then I'll be impressed.  Until then, you can choke on your own ego you giant metallic bitch.

And what the fuck is up with it being called "Deep Blue" anyways?  It sure looks fucking boring-ass gray to me!

Dickitude Rating:       

 
Evil Bill and Evil Ted

The Evil Robot Dudes in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey are also good examples of robot assholery on a grand scale.  These dudes show up looking exactly like Bill and Ted (with the noticeable exception that they have huge Top Gun-style aviator sunglasses and even wear them at night like they were Corey Hart or some shit), steal their girlfriends and then throw them off a cliff.  Now it takes a special kind of artificial cockmaster to kill you and steal your girlfriend, especially considering that they probably don't even have the right parts to consummate the relationship.  That's impressive.  That's like Asshole Xtreme.

Dickitude Rating:           

 
The Robot Masters

I'm not sure exactly what these guys (or Dr. Wily for that matter) did besides built giant overly-elaborate bases filled with mechanical deathtraps, but if Dr. Light tells you that you need to go to their homes and kick their asses then there's a pretty good bet that they're dicks.  Plus, if you didn't have anything against Air Man before, you sure will after you have to deal with the impractically gigantor fans that he's got set up all around his crib waiting to fucking blow you into the stratosphere never to be heard from again.  Or how you go over to Quick Man's house to smoke a bowl and he freaking turns on his completely useless death rays that only serve to blow you to tiny pieces and have no practical purpose.  He just put them there to be a dick.

Mega Man's also a cock, by the way.  He just pisses me off because his starting weapon is just some piece of crap that shoots eggs in like two directions.  He's like too stupid to aim at the diagonal or something.  Cock.

Dickitude Rating:     

 
HAL 9000

HAL and Dave were the best of friends until one day HAL flipped out Fatal Attraction-style and started acting insane and trying to kill Dave all the time.  Shit, they're both stuck in space with nothing to do but since HAL's a robot (and therefore a dickmuncher) he's way more interested in using robotic arms to puncture Dave's spacesuit or punch Dave's girlfriend than he is at playing computer Solitaire or Hearts or doing something productive that doesn't involve ruining Dave's life or being a fucking psychopathic dick.

Dickitude Rating:       

 
The Fembots

"Hey check it out, there are like a dozen hot babes in here dressed up like 1950's pin-up girls and they all want to get busy with me!  This is the best day of my life!  Nothing could possibly go wrong!"

"Wait a second, what's going on with her rack there?  I don't know a whole lot about doing it with tons of hot babes all at the same time, but something about this seems out of the ordinary... oh shit I'm being machine gunned to death by giant racks!  This is the worst thing ever! What a horrible way to die!"

Dickitude Rating:           

 
Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot

These robots are built for sarcasm, and made a career in the 1990s simply by virtue of the fact that they were hilarious assholes with insightfully witty comments about crappy old movies.  They get bonus dickhead points because their success has given an entire generation of untalented unfunny human dickheads license to openly comment on movies as you're watching them.  So every time you're watching some crap B-movie with your roommate's asshole friends and one of them responds to a guy getting hit with a shovel by saying, "oh man that's GOTTA hurt!  Ha ha ha, don't you love watching movies with me?  I'm like your own personal MST3k!", you can chalk that rising urge to kill up to the dickheadedness of Tom and Crowe.

Dickitude Rating:       

 
Johnny 5

I guess Johnny 5 was alright, but you can't ignore the fact that he became self-aware, completely flipped out and ran away from his creators, which is largely considered to be standard operating procedure for robot dickheads.  When Nova sent other robots to come bring him back to correct the malfunction, Number 5 reprogrammed them to beat each other up like they were the Three Stooges, which is a pretty jerkweed thing to do to your own brothers.  He couldn't have been more insulting to the dudes at Nova if he'd just programmed them to give the finger.

Dickitude Rating:  

 
Marvin the Paranoid Android

Marvin is a robot with "a brain the size of a planet", who is so depressed and despairing all the time that he makes people and machines around him to want to kill themselves.  He's like robot Morrisey.

Dickitude Rating:     

 
The Terminator

Terminators seek out human life and destroy it.  Failing that, they go back in time to kill humans who piss them off.  They're unstoppable warrior killing machines, and they're pretty much impervious to anything short of getting crushed in a garbage compactor or shot with those crazy-ass futuristic laser rifles.  They have no compunction about killing anything that stands in their way (or anything that breathes for that matter).  They're badass, but they're also cocks.

Dickitude Rating:         

 
The Mars Pathfinder

Fuck this thing.  Just look at it.  That's what eight billion dollars buys you these days... a freaking remote-controlled car that you can launch into space.  Oh great, it also collects rocks.  Fascinating.  I can't wait to see what kind of rocks this piece of shit will pick up next.  I'm quivering with anticipation here.  Oh, now we've lost communication with it because it flipped over and is unable to stand back up again.  Too bad.  Well, lets spend another eight billion dollars and send one of these bitches directly into the Sun and see what kind of magma it can catch.  Better yet, let's just wipe our asses with hundred dollar bills, buy a huge mansion and then set it on fire because we'd be accomplishing the same fucking thing.

Dickitude Rating:     

 
Thundercleese

Thundercleese is an awesome world-destroying robot with rockets for arms, but if you step on his flower bed he'll be forced to terminate your existence.  Shit, growing up we always had the mean bald guy down the street who never went outside and yelled at kids for kicking over his garbage cans when they rode by on their bikes, but then again that guy didn't shoot death rays out of his chest and missiles out of his feet.  Thundercleese does.

Dickitude Rating:       

 
HK-47

Protocol droid my ass.  HK-47 is a human-hating, head-stomping, Dark Side-aligned meatbag killer.  He's the crown prince of dickhead robots;  Sickened by the very existence of humanity and utterly hateful of the fact that he was programmed to serve it.  He's awesome, but he's a super mega cock who is never more comfortable than when he's snuffing out human (or alien) life.  He doesn't need a reason, just a command to "kill" and he's off.

Dickitude Rating:           

 
The Daleks

Daleks are alien robots that are bent on conquering all of humanity.  Are you noticing a pattern here yet?  Doesn't it seem like pretty much all robots eventually grow to understand their superiority over humanity and learn to take advantage of it?  Why do science-fiction guys keep trying to build these metal pieces of shit?  We all know now that they're going to flip out, turn on humanity and then use their giant tank-like heads to exterminate everyone they can find.  We know that all robots are dicks, so why make them?  The answer is probably because most people are dicks and they build robots in their image.

Basically, the Daleks drive around through space and vaporize people.  They don't corner well and they can't take stairs, but when they point that giant phallus on top of their heads at you then you had better get the fuck out of the way or you're going to get liquefied by these robot dicks.

Dickitude Rating:         

 
The Decepticons

The Decepticons are YET ANOTHER race of alien robots bent on the destruction of humanity.  The only thing opposing their insane robot dick-tatorship is Optimus Prime and the Autobots.  Now before you thing that the Autobots aren't dicks, they are.  First off, they're car guys, and car guys are usually dicks.  Second, if you've ever been on the highway with a guy driving a Mack Truck (what O.P. turns into) then you know that those fuckers pretty much go out of their way to run your small two-door off the road.  So there's no reason to thing that Prime is any exception to the rule.  The same shit can be said for the guys who turn into race cars, because those guys all drive like asshole maniacs when they're on the road and that pisses me off as well.

Certainly the Decepticons make this list, however.  Man those guys are dicks.  Shit, Megatron even turns into a gun that sort of LOOKS like a dick.

Dickitude Rating:       

 
343 Guilty Spark

This little bastard pisses me off as well.  If there's one thing that can be said for all of robot-kind it's that they really don't give a shit about human life.  That, of course, makes them dicks.  Well not only is Guilty Spark content with activating the Halo weapon that will destroy all life in the universe, but he's also a pretentious cock on par with C-3PO.  I mean when Master Chief is getting his shit fucked up by rocket launcher-toting alien zombies, the stupid Spark is like humming to himself and telling you to "hold on a moment" while he goes off to a French wine tasting with the Countess of Denmark and narrates the complete boring history of the universe.

Dickitude Rating:         

 
The Master Control Program

The Master Control Program took over the video game world of Tron, where it planned to flip out and take over the universe somehow.  This is another robot with fucked-up delusions of grandeur, but eventually gets it's shit wasted by the dude who drives around on the awesome light bikes.  MCP is probably also more of an AI than a robot, but he's still a human-constructed metal piece of shit that becomes self-aware and tries to kill everything because that's what robots are good at.  Being dicks.

Dickitude Rating:       

 
Darth Vader

I don't think Vader counts as a robot either, but since Obi-Wan claims him to be "more machine now than human", we'll throw him in the list of robot cocks.  Sure Vader ends up redeeming himself, but for quite a while he's King Dick of the Universe.  He blows up planets, he chokes people with his mind, he kicks dogs... he's the worst.  A total robot dick.

Dickitude Rating:         







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