François Rochebrune
and the Zouaves of Death
François Rochebrune was a badass French fencing instructor and career soldier who came from nothing, rose through the ranks from Rifleman to General, fought the Tsar of Russia in two different wars for two different armies, bayonetted his foes as Line Infantry for Emperor Napoleon III and also trained an army of scythe-wielding peasant civilians how to become the most badass infantry unit fielded by the Polish Army in the mid-19th century. He also made a point of always looking dope in the process, formed a unit of balls-to-the wall assault infantry known as the Zouaves of Death, received medals from France and Poland, fought with a badass six shooter and cavalry saber, and is still considered a national hero by two different European militaries this day. This guy spent nearly 15 years dishing out concussions to Russians and Prussians over countless campaigns of bayonet charges, close calls, near-death-experiences, and gunfights, before inevitably dying gloriously in battle – and, if that whole "Zouaves of Death" thing somehow didn't do it for you, then you also should know that this dude's last words before being one-shotted off his horse by a sniper was to order a bayonet charge against the German unit that was about to kill him.
Born in France in 1830, Rochebrune grew up poor, and at the age of 14 he got a job working in a printing shop. When that job sucked balls he quit and joined the French Army, enlisting in the 17th Regiment of Line Infantry – a unit of hardened soldiers known as Zouaves, who fought in uniforms that looked kind of like this:
Which, hey, these digs aren't exactly that lovable shade of brown, gray, and olive drab that seem to be smeared over every single "dark and gritty reboot" of previously-colorful and joyful Ips, but I guess if you're going to fight in that old-school style where you lined up in battle formations and marched head-on into battle, why not try to look pimp in the process? The Zouave Regiments of France trace their lineage back to the North African colonies, particularly Algiers, where the uniforms, hats, and accoutrements were designed to reflect the gear used by the soldiers from those regions. Originally this was kind of a Foreign Legion kind of deal, except the French eventually were like, "shit, this actually looks pretty fuckin' dope" and decided to adopt it into their uniform. It also didn't hurt that the poofy Aladdin pants were a hell of a lot more pleasant to wear in the desert than the wool pants all those Euro armies seemed to love around this time. A lot of folks around the time agreed with them as well – there were plenty of Zouave Regiments on both sides in the early years of the American Civil War, and they mostly dressed just like this. I mean, they stopped once everyone kind of figured out the importance of camouflage (shit, the French continued wearing the red pants into the early days of fucking World War I, but that didn’t work out too well for them), but for a glorious ten years or so armies were all about tricking out their uniforms with pinstripes and cool hats.
Anyways, in 1853 the 17th Zouaves were sent out to the Black Sea to fight the Russians in the Crimean War. Basically, the story with that is that the Russians really wanted a warm water port on the Black Sea, so they were complete pricks and invaded the area that is kinda still present-day Ukraine. Britain, France, the Ottoman Empire, and everyone else in the world thought this was bullshit and sent armies out there to fuck them up – which is what they did. Sure, there were a few missteps along the way, but Rifleman Rochebrune got out there with the Zouaves, fought heroically, earned a promotion to Sergeant, and blasted Russkies up and down the Crimean Peninsula for the better part of two years until Tsar Alexander and his cronies fled back to Moscow.
Here's a fun picture of Zouaves standing amid a pile of fallen Russian troops.
After Crimea, Sergeant Rochebrune was deployed to Imperial China for a while to do some of that Opium War shit that was going down over there, but, as far as I can tell, he didn't really see any action out there. He retired from the French Army 1862, after roughly a decade of service, and moved to the Polish city of Krakow, where he opened up a fencing school and taught swordfighting to the sons of Polish nobility.
Well, that was pretty awesome, but in 1863 some serious shit started to go down in Poland, and Rochebrune found himself caught right up in the middle of it. You see, at the time, Krakow was in a part of Poland that was controlled by Rochebrune's old buddy Tsar Alexander II of Russia. There's a whole backstory here involving one of the half-dozen Partitions of Poland that I don't really want to get into right now, but the TL;DR is that Eastern Poland was an occupied country under the tyrannical rule of the Tsar, and these guys wanted to say Fuck Feudalism, overthrow the invaders, and reinstate the glory days of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth – a time when men were men and those men wore fucking feathers on their back and decorated their weaponry with the severed heads of their enemies.
When Krakow – and many of the noblemen that Sensei Rochebrune was training in martial arts – got caught up in the January Uprising, the retired old soldier dusted off his badass fez hat and decided it was time to reintroduce the Russian Army to the business end of his nutsack.
Rochebrune formed a unit known as the Zouaves of Death. Which is exactly as badass as it sounds.
Wearing a black jacket with a white cross, Knights Hospitaller style, Rochebrune organized a battalion of Polish citizen-soldiers into ranks, trained them to kill, and then drilled them into an iron-disciplined regiment of fearless-as-fuck warriors who would serve as the iron spearhead for every major battle they engaged in. With a motto of "Victory or Death," he whipped his men into shape, gave them awesome uniforms, and trained them in the usage of the Zouave Rifle and Bayonet – which, if you've never seen one, looks like this:
The Zouaves of Death first took the field at the Battle of Miechow, where they set the tone for the rest of the war by charging ahead as the vanguard of the Polish forces. The Russians were entrenched in the town of Miechow, dug in and expecting trouble, but the Poles needed to break through that town in order to establish a border crossing with Austria and begin shuttling weapons, food, medical, and other supplies into the country. So, of course, Francois Rochebrune drew his sword, shouted for his men to follow, and led a goddamned bayonet charge into a fucking cemetery. The Zouaves of Death took several volleys from the defending Russians, but managed to eventually fall upon them with sabers, rocks, fists, snapped-off headstoens, and those huge fuck-off Bowie knife bayonets, and they clubbed the defenders into a thick pulpy mush.
Unfortunately, it wouldn't be enough, and despite taking all of his objectives, Rochebrune eventually had to fall back to Krakow – all of the other attacking units had been driven back by ferocious Russian artillery and rifle fire.
But, no worries, the Zouaves of Death had plenty of asskickings to go around. At the Battle of Chroberz they covered a Polish advance, burned a bridge down, and turned an enemy attempt to outflank the Poles. At the Battle of Grochowiska, the biggest battle of the Uprising, the Zouaves once again showed their might – a large column of Polish troops were ambushed in the forest by 3500 Russians with artillery support, and within minutes shit looked really bad. Cannon fire was shredding the forest, rifle rounds were cracking and zipping through the air, and the disorganized Polish citizen-soldier rebels began to break and run for their lives.
As they ran, they came face-to-face with Commander Francois Rochebrune, in his black Zouaves of Death uniform, wielding a saber and a Colt 1853 Navy revolver, screaming furiously at them in their native tongue.
Of course, the only phrase he knew in Polish was "GODDAMNIT, WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!?!"
It might not have been eloquent, but they got the point.
Polish Scythe Infantry
Leading Zouaves and Scythemen (!!!!) into battle, Rochebrune hit the Russian lines, chopped and sliced, and broke through the ambush. I love this for a number of reasons, but, particularly when you consider this battle took place on March 18, 1863 – the Battle of Gettysburg happened just three and a half months later. Maybe Pickett's Charge would have been a little more badass with Scythe Infantry.
Rochebrune was promoted to General and fought in a few more battles, but eventually the Uprising was crushed by the Russians and he was forced to return back to France. When he returned home, however, he was lauded as a hero – he received the Legion d'Honneur medal and was promoted to Captain of the French Army, which is pretty weird because he'd retired from the French Army like two year ago.
That changed pretty quickly as well, however, when in 1870 France was invaded by Prussia to start the Franco-Prussian War. Captain Francois Rochebrune was like, "Well, I don't know what the fuck Prussia is, but it sounds a lot like Russia so I'm gonna fuckin' fight 'em," so he joined the war to once again defend his home and his friends from an invading army. He was promoted to Colonel and given command of yet another Zouave Regiment – although instead of Zouaves of Death he called these guys "The Gauls" (because Gauls is what we like to call French people when we want them to sound badass). He fought heroically in several engagements against the Germans, but at the Battle of Montretout in 1870 he was shot off his horse by a sniper immediately after ordering a bayonet charge against the unit that killed him. He was 40 years old.
His Zouaves of Death are still honored as a symbol of defiant resistance in Poland, and his uniform and weaponry is on display at the military museum in Krakow.
Links:
Books:
Bardell, Jeff. Sacred Weapons, Profane Enemies. United Kingdom, 2014.
Evans, Richard J.. The Pursuit of Power. United Kingdom: Penguin Publishing Group, 2016.
Figes, Orlando. The Crimean War: A History. United States: Henry Holt and Company, 2011.
Welch, Charles. Famous Battles of the Nineteenth Century. United States: A. Wessels Company, 1903.
