The Badass of the Week.

The Archangel St. Michael

Imagine the biggest, meanest, most badass evil diabolical puppy-kicking spine-crushing insane-o demon you can possibly think of.  Then multiply that by infinity and you get SATAN, the Lord of All Evil and Infernal Ruler of Hell.  And presumably nothing could possibly be more badass than Lucifer, the Morning Star, the King of All Evil Unholy Spikey-Headed Pissed-Off Devils and his host of demon spawn.  So he should be the Badass of the Week for crying out loud because he's the fucking Prince of Eternal Darkness right?


In recent years, the term "Angel" has become more of less synonomous with "pussy".  It conjures up images of disproportionately huge-breasted ninety-pound lingerie-clad Victoria's Secret models having sweaty pillowfights in the clouds while innocent-looking fat kids play the harp and blow kisses at butterflies and rainbows or fly around on their white wings and shoot love arrows at teenage couples having picnics in the park on sunny summer afternoons or some other such fruity shit.  Well people tend to forget that the most hardcore of all Harley-riding, heavy metal-listening, battle-axe wielding, cocaine-snorting bastards got his shit fucking annihilated by the biggest badass of all the Archangels.

Just to refresh your memory, the story goes like this:  Once upon a time Lucifer was this high-ranking Angel who didn't think he was getting the props he deserved so he decided he was going to start kicking some ass and try to see if he could run the show himself.  He recruited one-third of all the Angels in Heaven to join up with him David Koresh-style and try to overthrow the big man upstairs.  So one day God and everybody are chilling out and this fucking insane-o motherfucking demon busts through the pearly gates ready to kick fucking asses and making the lesser angels (the fat kids and VS models) piss themselves:

Satan:  Hey d00dz I'm in charge now

Holy shit everybody thinks they're totally fucked because look at this motherfucker.  He's a fucking huge red monster with gleaming talons and spikes covering one-third of his body and glowing eyes and he looks PISSED.  But instead of handing over St. Peter's keys like some kind of two-dollar pussy carjacking victim, God takes one look at this thing and is just like, "Mike, show this fucking douchebag the door".  The Archangel Michael calmly nods his head, slowly takes the cigarette out of his mouth and flicks it onto the floor, cracks his knuckles and confidently strides towards Lucifer.


Michael doesn't just whip Lucifer's ass, he completely fucking humiliates him by slamming him face-first to the turf and then stepping on his head for no reason other than to be a jackass.  I mean, Michael has huge-ass wings so he doesn't even need to set foot on the ground for any reason, but he's badass enough to know that when you're jacking the Prince of Darkness' shit up royally for fucking with your boss, you might as well get your digs in there and add to the humiliation of his defeat.  In case you didn't notice, Michael's not even breaking a sweat here either.  He's just that hardcore.

But maybe it's not enough for you that Mike is the only living entity to ever defeat the living embodiment of Pure Evil in single combat.  Well according to Hebrew, Christian and Muslim myth, he's not only credited with kicking Lucifer's ass but also whipping several other lesser Devils' balls off as well.

For instance when the Demon Belial, the Angel of Darkness and the Patron of Idolatry, flipped out Antichrist-style and proclaimed himself to be the Messiah who do you think had to step in and Layeth the Almighty Smacketh Down?  Jesus?  Whatever.  Belial and his army, the Sons of Darkness, met up with Michael and his Sons of Light and they had an old-school throwdown.

Michael executes his Limit Break Special Attack and trashes some bozos.

Michael, the patron saint of getting shit done, went off and started kicking asses all over the place, tearing the Demon Belial a new asshole and wrecking the shit of his stupid "Army of Pussies" (Michael's term for them, not mine).  He was so insane in the battle that he even beat fifteen fiery demons to death with their own arms.

But that's not even the end of it.  According to the Kabbalah the fallen Seraphim Samael, the Angel of Death and the Demon of Lust and Wrath, trieed to start shit with Moses and the Israelites while they were trolling around in the desert with the Ark of the Covenant.  Once again Michael is the dude who has to step in and stomp some faces.  He shows up and tells Samael that he better pack up and get the fuck out of Dodge while he still has the use of his appendages but Samael keeps talking shit so Michael finally agrees to face him mano-e-mano in a one-on-one duel.

Yeah, that demon doesn't look too happy.  But that's what you get for fucking with the Big M.  You get your goddamned neck stepped on so hard that your eyes bug out of your head.  Michael goes out and battles all these crazy demons, fallen angels and dudes who have names that sound like they should be shitty Scandinavian death metal album titles, and he manages to ruin their collective asses like a ten foot-tall soccer hooligan in an albino nerd-filled mosh pit at E3.  Oh, and then he steps on their heads to prove how hard he is.

In addition to being the big man's personal enforcer, Michael is the patron of Chivalry and Knightly Orders, which is badass.  He's also the Defender of Justice, the Healer of the Sick, the Shepherd of the Righteous and an all-around kickass motherfucker in all three major Abrahamic traditions.  Now I'm exactly not a religious man, but I'd be remiss in making Satan the Badass of the Week while not giving credit to the guy who Pedigreed him Triple H-style onto a bed of tacks and then stepped on his stupid horned head.  I mean if you can honestly look at that ridiculous picture of Michael desecrating Lucifer's unconscious body like a passed out jock at a frat party and tell me that Satan's the most badass mythological creature ever, then there's something wrong.


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