"I need a hacksaw."
The Badass this week was just going to be Jack Bauer from 24 until I saw this clip where Keifer Sutherland breakdances his ass off like an extra in a bad 70s blaxploitation movie and then KICKS THE ASS of a giant Christmas tree in a hotel lobby with a cat-like flying leap. If you read the story behind it, Keifer's drunk off his ass at like 3am when the Xmas tree starts looking at him funny. Before going Macho Man Randy Savage on it, Keifer goes up to one of the hotel employees and says something to the effect of, "I hate that fucking Christmas tree. That tree HAS to come down. I'm smashing it."
I probably don't even have to tell you that when Keifer's not busy dive-bombing Christmas trees like a deranged flying squirrel he's torturing drug dealers and rocking terrorists' faces off as the toughest no-bullshit cop on TV, CTU agent Jack Bauer.
Jack is ex-SWAT, ex-Delta Force and ex-CIA. They haven't mentioned it yet, but he's probably also ex-KGB, SAS, Spetznatz, GSG, French Foreign Legion and Roman Praetorian Guardsman as well. Basically he's served in every single special forces outfit ever assembled and in his years of training and asskicking he's become the ultimate killing machine, learning to outsmart his opponents MacGuyver-style and cap bitches like Dennis Hopper in the face without even thinking twice about it. On top of his vast experience in the killing people industry, he also vacillates between being an emotionless automaton and a borderline psychotic. Bauer can watch some horrible shit happening without batting an eye, and he's also the kind of guy where if you crack your knuckles too loudly and he hears it and gets irritated by it then he breaks your neck, cuts your hands off and beats your family to death with them. And with Jack the ends always justify the means, so if it means saving the entire Los Angeles Metro Area from being simultaneously blown up, nuked, poisoned irratiated and infected with Smallpox by a conglomerate of seventeen different terrorist organizations under the control of the Chinese, Russian and American governments, Jack's more than willing to beat a couple dozen people to death with his bare hands, armwrestle a bear, kick the Secretary of Defense in the ballsack and slap the First Lady in the face while biting the ear off a rodeo clown.
Another thing that makes 24 kickass is when you combine it with the Jack Bauer Power Hour. It's basically just a standard power hour (take one shot of beer every minute on the minute for an hour) except you do it in REAL TIME while watching 24. You'd think it would take the edge off from watching the show, but it really just makes you that much more drunk and pissed. I tend to believe however that watching the show drunk makes you appreciate Jack's badassery that much more.
And as if playing total badass Jack Bauer and beating the holy living shit out of a wayward Xmas tree aren't enough, here are two other things about Kiefer Sutherland that make him awesome:
- His real name is Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland. It's a little known rule that only total badasses are allowed to have more than four names.
- His grandfather, Thomas Douglas, was the father of Canadian Medicare and was voted "The Greatest Canadian" by the CBC in 2004.
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