The Badass of the Week.

The Bride

If there's one thing that being engaged has taught me, it's that you never EVER fuck with a bride for any reason ever.  Especially if that bride is a trained assassin babe holding a hugeass samurai sword and you're not 100% confident that she won't lop your nuts off if you give her a hard time about her choice of hors d'oeuvres.

Beatrix Kiddo is a prime example of this.  Considering the fact that most brides totally freak out and get homicidal/hysterical over stupid shit like the flower arrangements being made out of crimson roses instead of vermillion ones, you can pretty much imagine what would happen if instead of something like the DJ showing up late to the reception, the bride's ex-boyfriend and former co-workers show up and start shooting everyone.

Well this happened to The Bride in Kill Bill and as soon as she got out of the coma she went on a mission of revenge like you wouldn't believe.  She traveled the world hunting down and killing every single person responsible for fucking up her wedding, and quite a few people who really had nothing to do with it because when you're truly a total Class-A badass, you can get caught up in that whole decapitating people thing and just start lopping henchmen's stupid heads off for no reason at all.

The Bride is one of the most kickass bitches in movie history.  She's a highly trained assassin, marksman, swordswoman and the self-proclaimed "most dangerous woman in the world", which she fucking proves when she goes into the House of Blue Leaves and kills like a million Yakuza swordsmen before chopping Lucy Liu's brain in half.  Once her wedding gets fucked up she has nothing to live for but revenge, so she just runs around doing all sorts of badass shit like hacking people's appendages off, swordfighting every single person in Japan, stabbing bitches to death, using ancient Chinese martial arts to instantly kill people, punching boards in half and kicking hillbillies in the head.  Oh yeah, and she fucking pulls Daryl Hannah's only functional eye out, steps on it and then lets her live so that she can just be a blind miserable fucking wretch for the rest of her days.  It really doesn't get more badass then that, especially since Daryl was expecting this big-time honorable sword duel for the title of "biggest badass ever" and all of a sudden BAM! -- her fucking eye gets yanked out Tiger Crane style, and Uma doesn't even give a shit.  Even later when she finds out that her ex-boyfriend and former mentor Bill has been taking care of her kid for a couple years and the kid really likes him, The Bride is just like, "whatever" and fucking kills him anyway because like a true badass, she knows that NOTHING comes before vengeance.

Plus she's like invincible.  She gets gunned down at her wedding by a machine gun, shot in the head at point-blank range, buried alive, slashed, cut, shot, stabbed, paralyzed, tied up, beaten up, spit on and probably like hit in the head with a slingshot or something.  You can't kill her.  You can't phase her.  She's so determined to slaughter everyone who's wronged her that nothing will stand between her Hanzo Steel and ultimate vengeance.  And if that isn't the textbook definition of badass, then I'm obviously not qualified to run this website.


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