The Badass of the Week.

Abraham Van Helsing

"He is a philosopher and a metaphysician, and one of the most advanced scientists of his day... this, with an iron nerve, a temper of the ice-brook, and indomitable resolution, self-command, and toleration exalted from virtues to blessings, and the kindliest and truest heart that beats, these form his equipment for the noble work that he is doing for mankind, work both in theory and practice, for his views are as wide as his all-embracing sympathy."


Nothing says "Halloween" quite like a huge spooky castle, a dark and stormy night, and a terrifying pale-faced blood-sucking Eastern European nobleman with slicked-back hair puncturing the necks of beautiful women with his gleaming, over-developed canine teeth.  Count Dracula, and the hordes of assorted vampires spawned by him, have been terrifying teenagers, duchesses, and college Freshmen for decades with their blood-chugging antics, terrible fake accents, and varying degrees of rampant metrosexuality.  These creatures of the night have feasted on thousands of unsuspecting victims over the years, and have been excel in everything from feats of physical strength to technical skill on the electric guitar.

However, for as long as there has been Dracula, there has been Professor Abraham Van Helsing.  This Dutch scientist, physician, philosopher, and eccentric occult genius is the Original Gangsta of badass fucking vampire killers - a man so dedicated to his work that he left no stone unturned in his unwavering quest to find and exterminate all forms of the undead, and a badass hero who paved the way for the Dracula-stabbing exploits of everyone from Simon Belmont to Buffy Summers.

First off, Van Helsing is fucking brilliant.  He is highly educated in a wide variety of mostly-useless information ranging from classical literature to hypnotism, and has a well-rounded fund of knowledge in philosophy, vampire lore, and obscure diseases.  In addition to being a walking intellectual cross between Wikipedia and the Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual, Van Helsing also realized that he needed to be tough as shit if he was going to go up and try to crack a bunch of undead heads together like over-ripened coconuts.  Despite the fact that he was what doctors like to refer to as, "pretty fucking old" (we never know what his actual age is, but it's pretty safe to say that this guy wasn't exactly going to get carded while trying to buy booze at the 7-11 down the street), he still busted his balls all day long to turn himself into an insane vampire-slaughtering motherfucker.  He was big, broad-shouldered, tough, and so manly that he could induce puberty in adolescent boys just by slapping them in the face really hard.  He also was fearless, dedicated to lacerating the aortas of Nosferatus with everything from railway spikes to Philips-head screwdrivers, and so morally righteous that he could easily resist the scantily-clad legion of hot topless vampire babes Dracula sent to seduce and/or bite his face off.  He spent countless hours studying vampire lore and training in the weapons and tactics necessary to combat these monsters, constantly kept in fighting shape, and his strength of will was the only thing that stood between the vile bloodsucker and the rest of the civilized world.






Dr. Van Helsing was called to London by a former student to investigate a mysterious illness plaguing the guy's slutty girlfriend.  When Abe first arrived and noticed two giant fang-holes in this chick's neck, he knew she was totally boned in a way she had not yet been boned before.  Realizing he couldn't save her, but not wanting to tell the guy what's up and risk sounding like a fucking whack-job, Van Helsing did what he could to treat her symptoms.  Of course, she eventually died, and AVH didn't have a problem staking her in the heart and beheading her once she came back as a vampire.  Sorry about your girlfriend, dude, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

So Van Helsing, now seeking revenge for the dead girl and more than eager to rid the world of the scourge of vampirism, put together a team of able-bodied average Joes, briefed them on what they were up against, gave them the necessary bloodsucker-killing weapons and equipment, and led a balls-out assault on Dracula's lair. After traveling halfway across the world and gunning down a couple of gypsies who for some dumbshit reason were trying to protect the Prince of Fucking Darkness, Van Helsing and his crew did battle with Count Dracula himself. The undead nobleman didn't stand a chance against this high-level Fighter/Cleric and his posse of slayers, and Drac met a grisly end when he was stabbed in the right ventricle and had his neck slashed off with a machete.

Professor Van Helsing was a badass vampire hunter ready to take on Dracula, Blacula, Dr. Acula, Robo-Dracula, and pretty much any other bipedal fanged creature that can be killed by ramming a sharpened wooden spike into its chest (a tactic that is actually highly effective against a wide range of creatures, both living and undead). He was the first man to take on Nosferatu and emerge victorious, setting the precedent and creating the blueprint for the countless hunters and slayers that followed him, and showed the world that not even the most badass undead monster out there could stand up to a good old-fashioned mortal man with a bad attitude and a big pointy fucking stick.




Links:

Wikipedia

Abraham Van Helsing







Main

The Complete List

About the Author

Miscellaneous Articles

RSS