The Badass of the Week.

George Washington

Once upon a time, George Washington was awesome.  He was not only the first President of the United States but also the commander of the American Revolutionary Army and one of the reasons why the United States version of Democracy actually managed to take root.

George Washington grew up in Virginia and got his start as a Colonel of Colonial Forces in the French and Indian (Seven Years') War, where he went out into the woods and beat the holy living hell out of a bunch of French soldiers.  When he gained a foothold in French territory in the West of Virginia, they called for reinforcements and completely surrounded his fortress, forcing him to surrender.  So what did he do?  He went out into the woods and ambushed any French units that came his way.  He personally would punch French ministers in the mouth and then hold them upside down by their feet while all their change fell out of their fruity coin purses so that he could send the money back the Britain to help pay for the crown jewels.  Eventually, the French realized he was awesome and they gave up trying to fight him.

Many years later, the American colonies decided to secede from Great Britain and the British people really got their crumpets in a teabag about it.  So once again the colonies called on George Washington to save their asses, and he met the invading British army at Boston.  Unfortunately, Washington was sick on the day of the battle so he sent his troops out to fight for him and they got their asses kicked because they didn't have any bullets or shoes or anything, so he had to retreat to Delaware because he knew that the British would never want to go there.  Then, when the British were camped out for Christmas, George Washington donned his battle gear and sailed across the Delaware river and into the British camp.

Washington brought only himself, his boat, a boombox blasting N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton" album and his trusty Dragon Katana and was preparted to dish out cold justice.  When the British looked up from their evening tea time, crumpets, footers and cricket games they saw Washington crash the boat into some rocks, somersault out and then start wasting redcoats.

General Cornwallis saw what was going on and pulled out his dueling sabre to battle Washington, but GW just chopped it in half with the Dragon Katana and then kicked Cornwallis off a cliff onto some rocks. Eventually the British had enough of getting wrecked and surrendered.

The Americans realized Washington was better than all of them and they elected him King.  GW was like, "Dude, we just got rid of a king.  How about I be the President insead?" and America thought that was a pretty cool idea. He ran the show for a couple of years and then when everyone was like "George you are awesome.  You should rule our country for life" he told everyone that he had better things to do than waste his time being the leader of all of us.  So he stepped down and went off to free all of his slaves and battle injustice around the country.

And that's why the United States is a Democracy.  George Washington rules.  He's the greatest President ever, and he KNOWS that when you're talking Priority Mail, you're talking 2-3 days, $3.20.

Update: Also, this is awesome.


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