Paul Rusesabagina

When you peruse the five years (!) worth of content now located on this website, more often than not you're face-punched by stories of some of the most insane assbeaters that our ultra-xtreme warlike species has ever produced. These neck-snapping shitkickers have stabbed people in the fucking face, hacked warriors to pieces, machine-gunned Nazis by the dozen, and generally just made their mark on history by pummeling the fuck out of their enemies until all that was left was an increasingly-long trail of severed appendages, shredded armor, and empty shell casings.

That said, it may come as a surprise to hear that amassing towering piles of limbless corpses while riding on the back of a nuclear-powered buzzsaw-rocket isn't necessarily a prerequisite for badassitude.  In fact, in the case of Paul Rusesabagina, the exact opposite is true;  this fearless hardass actually risked his life to prevent machete-wielding maniacs from going Voorhees on everything with a pulse by standing up to heavily-armed thugs time and time again, even when the situation seemed insanely hopeless – an act of bravery that requires a gigantic, planet-sized nutsack and an incredible display of testicular fortitude that makes this man a total badass in his own right.

The first thing you should know about the sub-Saharan African nation of Rwanda is that it's dominated by two tribal ethnic groups – the Hutu and the Tutsi.  Even though these two factions are from the same ancestral land, speak the same language, and are about as physiologically different as a pair of identical twin dopplegangers, they still seriously hate each other's guts out with the fiery rage of a million suns for some stupid reason I can't be bothered to look up right now.  The smart money is probably on European colonization being the root of the problem, but who knows – I pretty much tend to blame Europeans for everything from nuclear war and hand grenades to reality television and colon cancer.  But whatever, the point here is that these two remarkably-similar cultural groups basically go together like a high-powered nail gun and an unsuspecting crotch.

Well in 1994 the Hutu got really sick of the situation and decided to do something about it.  All of a sudden one morning they flipped out like the zombies at the beginning of Dawn of the Dead, grabbed the pointiest things they could find, and started massacring Tutsis across the country.

Paul Rusesabagina was a Hutu, but for some reason he really just couldn't bring himself to jump axe-first onto the genocide bandwagon and start brutally executing his neighbors just because some douchebag with a megaphone told him to.  Arbitrary manslaughter just wasn't really his bag, which I guess is pretty understandable I suppose.  Instead, this oppositional-defiant civil disobeyer decided that he was going to sack up and do whatever it took to protect himself, his family, and anybody else that required his assistance.

Unlike many of his countrymen who were forced into service by the unruly hordes, Rusesabagina was actually in a pretty good situation to tell the rampaging killbots to get bent like a horseshoe magnet.  He was the manager of a posh Belgian-owned, super-mega obscenely expensive luxury hotel in the city of Kigali known as the Mille Collines.  Since the Belgians pretty much hauled ass out of there on their jetpacks as soon as they caught sight of the vengeful machete-swinging hordes, Paul decided to move his family into the hotel and hunker down for the inevitable siege.  He loaded his family and friends up in a hotel van and hauled ass through Kigali like the APC scene from Aliens, breaking through roadblocks and power-sliding into the Mille Collines parking garage at fifty miles an hour.  Once inside, he opened the hotel's doors to persecuted Rwandans across the countryside, regardless of ethnic background, and made a determined effort to do everything in his power to keep the men and women in the hotel from having their heads chopped off in a really violent manner by a bunch of sick sadistic freaks with bladed weapons.